My little brother and my dog. I love them. I want them to be healthy, and I don’t want them to be down, and I don’t want my little brother to spend so much time in front of a screen. He is only 9 years old. I am the one that has to take care of them. My father doesn’t, my mother does sometimes. She always cooks for us at least. I like it more when I have more responsibility. I want to drown in all the work and all the rituals and forget that I exist. All of the money in the world couldn’t make me happy, and women couldn’t either. But maybe I could make someone else happy. At least that would be something, I hope. I miss the girl I met so long ago. Even though she never told me her name… I know she loved me. But she died last year. Anything to take my mind off of things. Anything, please. I cut my hand by accident when I was cooking and it felt good. I don’t want to go back, I hate it there. I can’t, I can’t, I just can’t. I wish I could think clearly. Yeah. I wish I could. It’s been a weeewwk of this. I don’t know why. But a timeago, my left arm has started shaking sometimes. Before my family left, my mother was talking to me,- I looked at the walland it was moving back and forth like an ocean. To the side and to the other side. Why does it do that? I wish I could kiss someone but I think it would make me feel worse. I do, I really do think it would make me feel worse. Is it really that nice to press your face against someone else’s? I’ve never done it, but it seems so exaggerated in movies. I want to kiss someone, even if that’s the case, I just want a kiss. I want to feel romance. I want to feel excitement. I want to make art. I wish I was a doll, I wish I was beautiful and made people happy all the time. I feel awful. I’m tired, my whole body hurts, I’m sweating, my ears are ringing, my eyes sting, my mouth is dry, my head feels dizzy. I just want to be loved, by a woman, even if it would make me feel worse. That’s what I want. I don’t even want to die, I just… don’t have anywhere else to put my feelings, I’m sorry.
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I love that you feel like you have to, it’s so sweet, it’s something so missing in the modern world…. because in practical terms you don’t. Like you talk about other people dropping the ball, sometimes that happens with the whole fam damnly. Then child welfare turns up and tells them; “you’ve got to feed your kids, or we’re taking them away.”
I wish there was a force like that for dogs. I love my dog so much, because his happiest place is falling asleep on my feet, and it’s so reassuring. I need so little from him, and he goes above and beyond.
anyway, point is it’s nice that you’re still able to care about others like that, I miss it.
After just lying in my bed for three years and doing nothing… it’s something.
Thank you though, for saying that. I read a lot of your posts, even though I rarely reply to them. You seem like such a cool guy, honestly. In a way, you remind me a bit of my uncle. He cleans windows for a living, and plays board games as a hobby. I really like him, and when my mother told me that he was on antidepressants I was quite shocked. He always seems so cheerful whenever I meet him.
For my little brother, well… he only wants to eat unhealthy food, and refuses to eat a lot of the food I make for him. I don’t know how to help him. Some days I feel better than others, but the hard days are the ones where I struggle even to get out of bed. I force myself to do the things I have to do, the same way I forced myself to cut my skin when I felt like I had to. That’s a sentence I doubt anyone has thought of before. Anyway, thank you. I hope you’ll be able to take care of your dog.