I’m probably not real anymore

I haven’t been able to think straight for days now. Dreams seem like they are real and the real world seems fake. I’m really tired. I try to be nice to others and somehow it pushes them away. A 5 year old girl on the metro said I look really good today though 🙂

But it seems like a lot of adult women are repulsed by me, somehow. Even though I have more friends than I’ve ever had, and pretty good friends I think, I feel strange. Something about me just doesn’t feel right. The only girls that ever interest me in real life and on the internet are the ones that are mentally ill anyway. I would like to talk to more girls actually. I definitely should… men are so boring. In my experience, anyway. I’ve never had a male friend that I really like. Girls have always been easier to talk to. And somehow I’m shy around girls? Well, not all the time. Either way, it makes no sense.

When I was away on Friday to um, apply for a school, I met what looked like a single mother, and two girls who seemed really depressed. I felt bad for them, but I didn’t know what I should say. I could tell that they were depressed because one of them had a really sad aura, similar aura to the one I’ve noticed around people with no parents, and the other one started crying after sitting next to me for ten minutes on the metro. And the mother just seemed really tired. I wish I had helped them somehow, but it’s too late now.

Today I’ve felt dizzy and confused the whole day. I was really dissociated on the train while I was going to church. I felt like I do right now. This phone doesn’t look real, but I’m typing on it anyway, and the letters appear on it. I don’t know what I should do… my therapist was really rude to me the last few times I contacted her, and I’ve always had trouble with that clinic, so I don’t want to deal with that anymore. The medication I took never helped me, it only made me worse. But now I feel bad again. I don’t know what to do.

I don’t feel like I’m real