To preface, I am very drunk. Like really drunk. i wanted to be drunk when I posted again. I’ve been putting this off for more than a month. My head’s been leaking, but I kept putting it off. This summer has been ok. Nothing major happened. Just working at a grocery store. Nothing much else. But school is slowly coming. I don’t really think it has sunk in. Once it does, I’m pretty sure I’ll be a nervous wreck. But until then, I’ll keep on keeping on. My mother’s birthday was the 28th of July. I went back to spend time with her. I wasn’t able to last year because I was in the ER due to my manic episode. It’s been 1 year since I’ve had it and lately I’ve been thinking about it alot. What happened. The weird delusions I had. I can’t tell what really happened and what was a dream. What was stuff I made up in my diseased ridden mind. I don’t really want to know. On the 25th it was also her birthday. She hasn’t said anything back to me in a whole year. I’ve texted and called, and all I hear is radio silence. Regardless I left her a voice mail and a text. Doubt she read or listened to them. She’ll probably never talk to me again. I keep repeating that in my head, but it never seems to stick. I hope she is ok. Why do I want her to be ok? She never gave a single fuck about me and she never will. I wish I can forget about her. But she still persists in my head. Like a cancer. Oh well. You know I think I might have said or done something horrible to her when I was manic. Like send her a dick pic or something. Thing is I don’t remember doing anything like that. Maybe it was so horrible my brain blocked it out. Whatever it is, she isn’t talking to me. Nothing I can do, but accept it . Right now it is all stream of conscious. That’s why I wanted to do it when I was drunk. Just let it flow out. You know? Here are some songs I’ve been thinking about alot.
There’s probably alot more songs I want to share, but right now I can’t think of them. Oh well. I hope someone responds to this. I’m just so tired of feeling alone. I don’t think anything will ever change that though. Oh well. It is what it is.
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coincidence, I was also drinking last night. My old friend came out of the woodwork and so we sat in the yard with canned margaritas and talked about her woes…. one of which, again coincidentally was her mother.
My mom’s no prize either….. what’s the deal with moms? Seriously, there’s something so broken in our culture, because dads are expected to do so little….. as a somewhat nurturing guy people act like I’m going above and beyond…. and I’m not, I promise.
Song reference (I’d link it…. but then my comment ends up in moderation hell for awhile… if you’re interested look it up); I Palindrome I, the actual opening lyrics are
“someday mother will die and I’ll get the money
mom leans down and says “my sentiments exactly”
you son of a b-tch I palindrome I”
that was off the top of my head….. lots of stupid stuff I’ve memorized. but yeah, I’m waiting for my folks to die after which I can probably retire…. but I feel guilty about it, so that’s something. My mom and I talk, but I’m not convinced it helps anything other than secure my inheritance, that’s awful right? it feels awful.
grad school is….. elusive I guess is the right word. Finally after months of work I’m finally registered and into my account…. and there STILL isn’t money there for it. There’s debt, as if I wanted more debt, $100k over the course of the degree….. and people in my field, cybersecurity, are being laid off actively, right now…. so it’s probably not going to work out.
It’s not my fault though! I get some joy there, they dithered and refused to come around to financing for months and months….. it shocks me they have students.
Oh, but that tangent done; alcohol still sucks for me. It didn’t keep me up late this time, so score, but I woke up in the middle of the night with a headache…. which is just… yuck, then I didn’t sleep as well the second half of the night…. I’ve never had a period of drinking pleasurable enough to justify the sleep disturbances accompanying it….
but maybe it’s different off anti depressants and anti anxiety medications. I hope to find out….. because alcohol is cheap and tasty….. I’d like to enjoy it and then sleep okay after.
My childhood therapist had a pillow on his couch that said “if it’s not one thing, it’s your mother”…. which on one hand I appreciate as a Freud joke…. but as I age…. I wonder if it was even a joke at all.
The problem with silence is you really don’t know what she is thinking. Maybe you did something awful, but maybe you didn’t. She may feels guilty, she may not know what to say, her emotional tank may be on “E” so she has nothing to give.
There’s not enough to go on to assume that she doesn’t love you or wants nothing to do with you for the rest of your life. Motherhood is a gift not every woman knows how to embrace.
It’s good you reached out to her, though, and very, very brave.
I can see where I might have gotten some people confused. My mother and I have a fine relationship. The person I am talking about when I say she hasn’t talked to me in a year is a friend from high-school. Both happen to have a birthday at the end of July, the 28th and 25th.