Well, the deed is done. My grandfather is “buried”. Not really buried actually. Apparently its a thing where a large marbel slab houses a bunch of caskets. Part of the slab is opened up and the coffin just slides right in. So theres this big strucutre that holds a bunch of dead bodies stacked on top of each other in like rows and columns. Very odd. He was put up on the highest row. They needed to have a little pneumatic lift raise the casket up and some dudes had to push him into the slot using a little pole. Room was made for when my grandmother eventually dies. She’s going in front of him. Overall the funeral and observation were ok. A couple people got teary eyed. A few cousins, an uncle, and my grandmother. I even so my dad break a little. I have never in my life seen that. He didn’t start sobbing or anything. Just a little teary eyed and a litter waver in his voice. I imagine it will be harder when my grandmother dies. It was kind of cool to see all my cousins again. The circumstances were unfortunate, but still it was nice to have everyone together. Some of my cousins have their own families and lives now. I have a bunch of second cousins I don’t really know. They were just around and didn’t really seem to know what was going on. I think the oldest of them is like in middle school. They were kind of clumsy putting flowers on the casket, but I think they just wanted to be included. Overall it was nice. In a sad way. My grandparents are super Catholic so for the past week they were holding a rosary session at my grandparents. You just sit down and say the Hail Mary prayer like 20 times. Sometimes in spanish. I didn’t really understand any of it, but I just tried to go along with it. Of course there was also the mass before the funeral. We went to the church my grandparents always used to go to. I’ve been there a bunch when I was younger. I would go with my grandparents when they were taking care of me. It’s pretty nutty thinking about how I grew up Catholic for the first 12ish years of my life. Never got my comfirmation. The whole ordeal also made me realize how much fear the church drives into you. The rosery sessions were all done to ensure that my grandfather wouldn’t go to hell. Even though he was a nice guy his whole life. I don’t know I just think it was kind of odd. But that’s what was taught so you do it.
It’s me and my grandpa. My mom gave me some pictures before I left. He’s gone now. Wherever he is, I hope is happy.
Now that that’s done, I have to focus on school. I missed two days. I was only supposed to miss the first day, but plane scheduling kind of screwed me. Apparently I also missed a homework, so that’s a ***** and a half. I’ll have to email for an extension, but I kind of got the vibe from this teacher that he’s not into that. At least from the few emails I sent to him explaining my absence. Hope I can catch up. I hope so. Tomorrow is the first time I’ll be meeting with my lab team. I am not looking forward to that. At all. Fuck all has been done by me this summer. I tried to help my teammate, but he seemed like he never really wanted me around. At least that’s the vibe I got. Can’t blame it on him though. It’s on me to really put myself out there and try and help. I didn’t do that. Now to pay for it. I don’t know. I just hope I can get through tomorrow. Right now I’m not really paniced. Last semester was a whole different story. I was a damn wreck. Couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep. Just a miserable pile. Now, I just am I guess. Scared, but still going through the motions. I wonder how long I’ll last. Not very long.
And of course what would one of my posts be without me whining about her again? Honestly, during this whole ordeal I didn’t really think about her. Much. Which is expected. At the time I needed to focus on family. Why would I think about her at a time like that? But even then, I couldn’t help but have my mind wonder towards her. Evertyime I think about her, it’s always about how I’ll never see her again and I should get used to that. About how tired I am even giving brain functionality to this. The thing is, I know what steps I need to take to even begin letting it go. 1) Delete her contact info (phone/discord) 2) Delete the two photos I have of her 3) Throw that stupid fucking stuffed bear away. Three simple steps. Yet I don’t do them. It’s a pain. I don’t know. I just hope I find the strength to do it some day.