Finally. I did it. I finally did it. I finally ripped the band-aid off. I deleted her contact info and threw away that stupid stuffed bear. It took me being very drunk and a coin flip to do it, but I finally did it. I called her earlier. Straight to voice mail. She blocked me of course. But now I can finally move on. It hurt. It really did. Bitter sweet as hell, but I did it. When I sober up there’s nothing I can do about it. I memorized her phone number, but even then her pics and the discord info is gone.
I was drinking at the arcade again. I thought that drinking didn’t really do anythin for me anymore. That I didn’t feel happy or sad or numbr or anythin when I drank. But the trick is to drink alot and fast. I thought about how I am always going to be alone. There is no other half for me. I’m just a whole nobody. I’ll die alone with nothing. But that’s just how it is. So might as well accept it.
I’m screwed for my lab and class work. I’m just a screw up after all. Got to accept that. Nothing I do matters. None of it. I said I’d kill myself by 25. I got less than 2 months left. I thought about it while I was really drunk if I could do it while really drunk. Even then I wasn’t sure. I always said I’d hire an escort if I was still a virgin by then. Don’t really got the money for that, so I’d probably drop that part.
Well I did and and now there’s nothing to do but move forward.
6 comments
If it means anything, I’m proud of you for being able to do it. I know that must have been pretty difficult, but probably for the best. Not sure if I can/could do that myself. Probably not.
I know awhile ago you said something along the lines of not minding to be a nobody, which I understand, but I still don’t think you are. I think you’re a good person who deserves good things. The things you do matter, I try to hold to the belief that that mistakes don’t make up the entire being. Obviously, I don’t know your whole situation, I don’t mean to come off insensitive/ignorant/rude etc, sorry in advance if so.
I hope you find your way, I hope things get better for you. Your replies to me always helped me feel heard and comforted in a way, and I’ve always appreciated them. Wishing you well as always.
No worries. Nothing you said was upsetting or rude. I’m glad you think I’m a good person. But I’m not really sure if it matters whether or not that I am.
Now that I’m sober, I still don’t regret letting go. It was long overdue I just needed a push. Overtime that push becomes a bit easier. I hope that if it’s needed, you eventually get your push.
Hope things get better for you too.
Congrats! It’s hard to let go.
Also, I don’t see anything wrong with getting an escort for your 25th bday. Just make sure the “company” is reputable enough and the escorts are disease-free. And ofc, wear protection.
This is a true story- there was this old man this lived above this lady who was a former “friend” (frenemy) of mine. He had a heart attack and was told he had a month+ to live. So he literally spent the last few weeks of his life getting different escorts every night (or most nights) until he finally died. O_o Sounds like he lived it up till the last moment.
Thanks. And also it’s not really a shame thing but a I have no money thing. Otherwise I’d probably go ahead and do it.
that sucks. i have no idea how much a “reputable” escort costs, but that would be some bday 😉 maybe you can save up? are you working?
have one on your 26th bday if you’re still around then