Drunk again. Kinda need to be in order to really have a stream of conscious post. There’s a lot on my mind. None of it I think I can or want to articulate. While drinking, I had the realiziation that I really need to kill myself. Like really need to. I’m not cut out for this. The whole living thing. Making relationships, having a career, being happy. It’s just not in the cards for me. A bullet to the brain whould fix all my problems. Emphasis on the my. I get that it would make people upset. I get that. But I think that my problems would just be solved. I don’t belong here. In my grad program. In my lab. I’m no good and everyone knows. I don’t know how or why I ended up where I am, but I kind of wish whatever prick god or whatever that made it happen goes and screws himself. I don’t know. It kind of makes me sick.
Of course I started thinking about her. I managed to delete her contact info and just started to move on, but god fucking forbid I actually make progress in the forgetting her department. Soon it will just be a faded memory. A small part of me hopes she still checks this place. Hopes that she comes around and contacts me. I hope that part of me dies soon. She’s gone. I just got to learn to accept that.
I wish my fucking ice cream would melt so I can scoop it without a hassle.