Drunk again. Kinda need to be in order to really have a stream of conscious post. There’s a lot on my mind. None of it I think I can or want to articulate. While drinking, I had the realiziation that I really need to kill myself. Like really need to. I’m not cut out for this. The whole living thing. Making relationships, having a career, being happy. It’s just not in the cards for me. A bullet to the brain whould fix all my problems. Emphasis on the my. I get that it would make people upset. I get that. But I think that my problems would just be solved. I don’t belong here. In my grad program. In my lab. I’m no good and everyone knows. I don’t know how or why I ended up where I am, but I kind of wish whatever prick god or whatever that made it happen goes and screws himself. I don’t know. It kind of makes me sick.
Of course I started thinking about her. I managed to delete her contact info and just started to move on, but god fucking forbid I actually make progress in the forgetting her department. Soon it will just be a faded memory. A small part of me hopes she still checks this place. Hopes that she comes around and contacts me. I hope that part of me dies soon. She’s gone. I just got to learn to accept that.
I wish my fucking ice cream would melt so I can scoop it without a hassle.
2 comments
A part of your human side lingers and it’s in that lady.
There’s a quote I wanna share:
“Get busy living or get busy dying”
It’s from a movie I watched recently about a man who was wrongfully imprisoned.
Had a beautiful ending but that’s Hollywood for ya.
Reality is often cruel and not so happy.
People who are in your shoes aren’t really living. I don’t say that to insult you, believe me, I know what it’s like. I’m actually sipping on the cheap stuff right now, Steel Reserve.
It just sucks when everyone around you wants you to become Superman and do a complete 180 instantly. It doesn’t work like that, or at least it typically doesn’t. People heal slowly. They want you to build The Eiffel Tower so to speak meanwhile they’re living lives of mediocrity. But they’ll be sick about it, they’ll talk down to you make themselves feel better about what they’re doing in life. It’s natural and what we’re doing is what they would consider unnatural. How could we do this to our bodies and minds? They wonder. Empathy and Sympathy are 2 different things. I can understand you to a better degree than someone who doesn’t drink. The problem isn’t solved as easily as people think.
It’s like you said, nobody asks to be born into such a cruel world. It sucks to say this but people get off on seeing people like us miserable and “failing” at life. That’s why I feel like we don’t owe them a great redemption arc. If I redeem myself, it’ll be in the woods away from their prying eyes and judgement.
At first glance it seems your bad situation is more a result from your current circumstances than overall bad/hopeless.
(i may interpret it wrongly)
I dont know where you stand in your grad program. If it is close to finish it may be better to just suck trough it before you reevaluate your values/choices/directions/goals.
since especially in a grad program you are dependent on your own drive and self discipline. And properly reevaluating what you want, how you want to base your decision and where you want to go can fuck this up pretty badly.
But just a thought to consider regarding a few statements:
” I don’t belong here. In my grad program. In my lab. I’m no good and everyone knows.”
Here you could just change your environment. I expect that if you are in a grad program you are already way above average in a lot of criteria.
So just take a step down and you will see, that you are really good compared to others around you.
“The whole living thing. Making relationships, having a career, being happy.”
Why do you need those things (except the last one)? Why do you strive for those things?
In my personal experience it was mostly external factors. (status, “ego”, external expectations). And if i dont want to submit to them i am a lot more free in choosing my path. (but i also loose some big motivation factors which push me forward).
If you want to reevaluate the path you want to take in life i may! be able to help you a bit finding whats best for you.