alienation from self

There’s a kind of mental suffering that’s hard to put your finger on or express, but I guess I’m trying to process that. I’d say one aspect comes from the awareness that you’re not a good person. Not just in terms of your actions, but also your emotions. Your desires. What you want from the world is not good. And you can’t just stop desiring something. That’s not how that works. So you continue to feel the desire, while simultaneously being aware that it’s wrong. And I think as a result you become alienated from yourself on a fundamental level, which is deeply painful. You still have the initial feeling, the impulse – “This  is great, this is wonderful, this is what life’s all about.” But at the same time a part of you stands back from the emotion, aware that it’s suspect, undercutting the experience. So you’re no longer able to feel anything “purely”, or ever get caught up in the moment. Nothing is ever truly enjoyable. Everything becomes contaminated by doubt.