talked to a woman on a hotline. mixed reaction. talked to brother. i was seriously considering suicide, but it’s all made up in my head. i’ve been telling others and myself various stories since i’ve been young, and no one spots the discrepancies because i’m smarter than them. but paradoxically, less common sense. acting against my own best interest. this looks like extraordinarily low empathy, but it’s more like empathy towards the wrong people, like to concerning degrees. i became various people i wanted to save, and what did i get in return? such shit responses. perhaps firm, but lacking. mental health everywhere is so shit. no one has any interest in it. recently i discovered that keeping safe against dangerous personalities is in fact more important to my psychological health than i thought, but it feels so wrong (and boring) to shut that curiousity off. people seem so insensitive and dull to the point where i feel actively malicious towards them. guess it’s just in the cards for me to specialize in psych. but i’m not a good person. i mean i am, but people don’t see the darker parts, the darker motivations in there. and it makes me want to make them see, even if one of us has to die in the process.
getting into characters of the damned makes life so fucking bleak. it’s an empathic skill i have. i wonder how common this skill is. i think i have ocpd, but i was diagnosed cluster b recently. i am losing hope or maybe let’s say getting less attached to having relationships, which may improve success. i was always going to balance myself out even if i wanted to go to those extremes.
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“i’ve been telling others and myself various stories since i’ve been young, and no one spots the discrepancies because i’m smarter than them. but paradoxically, less common sense.”
I can’t resist picking at this one. It’s not necessarily a fault, as in based on the information you have it probably makes sense and proves out. It’s that I’ve always been fascianted by anti social behavior and statements of intelligence.
There’s no doubt that you are of above average intellect, your writing is evidence enough of that. Seriously, part of my college experience was reading lots of writing by people of average intellect, and it sadly decreased my aspirations for our species. If a person can write coherently, they’re doing pretty well.
The deliberate deception working as proof of your intellect is on unstable ground though. I can agree that it is proof of your curiousity, which is a precursor to intellect. That notion, that their anti social/deceptive nature is an advantage is fundamentally flawed. It demonstrates a lack of understanding of why people are so trusting to begin with. Being trusting is still the greater adaptive advantage, the flaw of being relatively easy to bipass in a singular incidence is part of the cost which still remains lower than the benefits of that type of behavior.
In the cases I’ve worked with this attribute, that lack of understanding of the value of trust is usually an isolating factor and one of the big problems in this type of behavior. I don’t know that I’ve adaquitely refuted your notion, but hope that I’ve stimulated some introspection on the subject.
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“guess it’s just in the cards for me to specialize in psych. but i’m not a good person”
This one made me smile. I don’t know that anyone specializing in psych would qualify as a “good person”. It’s the type of people who want to take people apart, figure out mechanics and figure out how to exploit them. Psychology studies is a socially acceptable method to deal with a desire to manipulate others, which most humans consider “evil.”
I think a lot of people with tendencies that would make them murderers or rapists end up in psychology. It took me much longer than I’m proud of to realize that most of the people I worked with in mental health were severely scarred and strange. It’s counter-intuitive, it would seem to follow that the people most engaged with mental health would be the most stable.
However, most of them need that deeper insight to function. They adapted that way because it was the only way to participate in normal society.
So I guess that’s my warning about the field. It makes it easier to hide or disquise darker elements. If anything it makes you more manipulative, and less morally offended by that fact.
yeah, I know that being prosocial is typically the “smarter” move.. well, let me just say i’m actually a bit divided on that subject. because not being antisocial enough in some circumstances can cause emotional scarring and worse decision making, not to mention life satisfaction.
well, thanks for the warning I guess. i am a bit intimidated, but i would really like the knowledge. i don’t think i’m as good at emotions/interpersonal exchanges as I tend to feel I am sometimes, so i’m looking for enhancement in that area. i think knowledge of psychology can mask certain things (I’m not really looking to do that right now, no) , but i think it can point me into the right direction when it comes to “the better angels of our nature”/who i aspire to be, and i can’t be that, then just study the darker parts to better manage them and not slip into them. also guarding other people against others/themselves
Sure, I think. I feel like you should do what you want. Be that giving into curiosity or showing others who you really are. Not sure if this is good advice.
i would say knowledge of mental health is a plus in general for most people, and i don’t think i’m so damaged that i would solely use this knowledge for evil. by “showing others who i really am,” i would mean in the sense of authenticity, and not allowing myself to be corrupt.