I spend most of each day lying in a darkened room. I don’t see anybody, or speak to anybody. No one knows I exist. Nobody thinks about me. Apart from close family, no one cares. I feel tired all the time. Broken. I have no drive, no fight, no energy to improve things. I’m defeated.
I still eat. I suppose there’s a deeper level of depression, where you’re completely catatonic and don’t even do the basics to keep yourself alive.
Beyond my parents, who I see once a fortnight, I have nobody. I have none of the social skills you need to build new relationships, and I’m long past the age where such inadequacy is socially acceptable. I am a void. I’m nothing.
3 comments
quite often I feel like Hoggle at the end of Labyrinth, “If you need us”. I identify with Hoggle
anyway, we know you exist, we at least enough to talk to you care.
but then there’s also the paranoid part of me; what if you’re a test case, because I never encountered a good test case of how much emotional pain one human can take (modern ethics would prevent it). However, throughout the history of psychology unethical experiments were happening on the fringes. It’s how we got the Unibomber!
Would that make it better, if your suffering were expanding the knowledge of mankind?
I do appreciate that, and I guess that’s part of why I post here. At the same time, it’s obviously not what I need. I need people in my real life, that really know me, accept me, value my company. And I’ve avoided that for so many years that now it feels impossible to go about trying to find it. I have this kind of pathological avoidance and loneliness in me.
I’m sure there are people who’ve gone through far more intense emotional pain than me. Those with much more tragic lives. But it’s hard to imagine someone more emotionally broken, wretched, or miserable than me… like I lack the capacity to connect with anyone. It’s like I’m causing myself constant pain over this absence that I don’t think I can fix. And I don’t know how to stop hurting, but I also can’t bring myself to push towards some kind of change. It’s been so long that it doesn’t seem possible.
I don’t think I’m selfless enough to take comfort in the idea that my suffering was helping others.
When I was depressed in high school…I’d walk around with a cloud over my head, thinking the worst things about myself and my life…until I ran across a friend or acquaintance who treated me with some respect and as a friend.
Then I’d think to myself, what’s wrong with me, that I feel so worthless but few people (apart from scumbag bullies-and that was fairly rare luckily) would give me a hard time apart from myself.
It’s hard not to hate oneself and one’s life if you feel you’ve been given the crappy end of the stick…I hated that I was average height, hated that I wasn’t beautiful/hot, but thankfully at least some pretty girls considered me to be cute and my looks started improving as I got older and got into exercise…. I hated being poor most of all.
Apart from that blow to my self-esteem, my POS dad also made me feel worthless in subtle and not-so-subtle ways…scum like him should be prevented from breeding.
In hindsight if I ended my life as a teenager, I think it would’ve been best….I really didn’t miss out on anything really…just the usual. Seeing girls I wish I could’ve had….or seeing people get successful/wealthy and being left behind.
There’s almost nothing I can look back on my life to, to say I was glad I was around for that, apart from helping my family (my mom/sisters) from ending up in terrible situations.
I kind of digressed, what I meant to say was that you need to reintegrate yourself back in life socially…being alone is painful and destructive.
You’re in kind of the situation I was in…that I described earlier. But if you put yourself in a place where you’re forced to talk to people, you’ll feel normal and human again, speaking from experience.
I think you needlessly use your mistakes of your past to stop enjoying your present or future and that just keeps you in the same hole that you’re in now.
Nobody knows your past, they don’t need to…so many people have done stupid, bad evil things, sometimes harmed others….but they’ve moved on. Sometimes they’ve made amends. Other times they’ve just stayed quiet about their deeds so they can marry and have a normal life.
Many of us here, that’s all we want-a normal life, family, kids, home, middle-class life/income. Or at least an s/o. I don’t think it’s a lot to ask for and at least it’s a goal within the reach of most of us.
At least for me I just couldn’t live like that…being depressed achieves nothing and wastes your years. That’s why I decided to change my mind set in university and I’m glad I did or I’d still be nowhere right now. Ofc in my case it was doable and I realize it might not be the same for others.
For me I have my own redlines…if my health goes, my closest family members pass away….if I permanently lose my friends…and say my job or a combination of bad things happen with no hope of getting better, then that’s the end for me.
Actually thank god they’ve made Maid more accessible here in Canada…plus one of the drugs they use is an anesthetic similar to Nem (which to me is the gold standard)…so it’s made it way easier for us to ‘pull the plug on a bad life.’
Some (rare) days I do wake up and feel excited about being alive…there are still things I love about it…and goals I really want to achieve…it’s just my crappy present situation that makes it hard to get to the next level I want to be at.
I think it’s a terrible place to be where one is in a bad/miserable state, but can’t change it or won’t.
It reminds me of the line by Nietzsche, the Tragic Azz (donkey)…”Can an azz be tragic? To perish under a burden one can neither bear nor throw off?”