It pisses me off to no end how making ONE decision would alter your life so much, and that these decisions, while on paper seem very logical and the best move to make- turned out to be THE WORST decisions in my life.
Like for example- I went to the #1 ranked State University- it was the best ranked, and the most affordable, and the most logical thing to do. But turns out it was one of the WORST decisions of life. My idiot friend who got kicked out of my school for having 2.0-2.5 GPA, went to a rich kids expensive private school, and got a “4.0” GPA and got hooked up with rick kids and rich parents who gave her a 6 figure job right out of college.
Example- taking 1 job offer vs another- oh how I screwed myself. Turns out the job I took had the WORST fucking racist and sexist manager and OFC I was screwed bc I wasn’t the right sex/race. And no, and internal audit was done by an external company and found it was true so it’s not me just saying “racism” and “sexism.” My manager HATED men and non-whites, and wouldn’t pay the non-whites and men the same pay as a white woman, as well as treating the “inferior” people like dirt. OH- did I mention- that dept was created TO FIGHT racism by the federal govt to boot. Oh the irony… I would laugh if it wasn’t such a shitty and painful experience that ruined my life and left me jaded AF.
Example- moving to this particular state where 3mo after moving there, I was hit by a shitty asshole driver who refused to stop while I was crossing the street. Changed my life forever. How was I supposed to know I shouldn’t have ever moved there?? Or hell, if I had move there even 3mo later, this shit probably wouldn’t have happened.
Just lots of decisions that made logical sense turned out to be literally THE WORST decisions I could ever make.
It isn’t just these few decisions- it’s literally one after another after another- that on the surface SEEMED like good choices, but literally ANY other choice wouldn’t have resulted in such shit. It’s not a few but the CONSTANT screwing that just batters me, the straw that broke the camel’s back. It’s relentless how I constantly get screwed or get the short end of the stick.
IDK- I feel like I’m cursed. No matter what decision I make in life, I always manage to get screwed in the end. I’m tired of it. And yeah, it makes you no longer want to work hard and fight, or try anymore. Like why try when you’re just gonna get shit in the end? And no, I’ve tried SO many times and gotten smacked down that I just have no more fight in me.
And no, it’s not easy to just “get back up and fight again.” It’s like depression- you really can’t tell yourself “I’m not depressed, I’m not depressed”, and whala- depression is gone. Same as telling yourself to not be jaded or think that this world is shitty and fucked up- bc it IS fucked up and unfair and where being smart and working hard just doesn’t get you anywhere.
I honestly feel cursed.
1 comment
Exactly…same here. I keep asking myself ‘why keep living’? Putting aside people we care about, why do we cling to life no matter how often we’re beaten down and how many failures we experience.
I guess it takes us into the realm of philosophy, but say for a moment everyone had access to euthanasia, so it no longer became an excuse not to ‘do it.’
For now, I think about the things that I wanted and missed out on, even a small taste of it, just to have that satisfaction…like having a truly great relationship with an s/o…I came close many times but usually I dated the wrong girls and was left disappointed.
But the day we walk into that office and close our eyes for the last time, that’ll be it. Everything we worried about, cared about, all the silly wants, needs, obsessions would be over. We’d never even know we were alive…we’d be truly gone forever.
No one else would know or care what we did or achieve and the small circle of people would then fade into history themselves.
I think this is why people turn to religion and accept laughable, poor answers to life…because they fear death and don’t want to believe they end and there’s nothing after.
By all measures, I really should off myself in an objective sense. My best years are behind me, I’m dealing with health issues which will only get worse in time. My life isn’t anything to be excited about…I’m barely getting by while others are living the dream, traveling, basking in their great/happy lives.
I missed out on Bitcoin/mining, on the Dotcom boom of the 2000s…on so many other ways of making great money. Seriously my life is utter garbage…I got problems up the ying-yang and very few people really care about me and ofc they have their own issues.
Let’s say I worked hard and somehow made more money…ok great, now I’m in a slightly better tax bracket…maybe even on par with my buddies…so freaking what?
Trying to find a great s/o is going to be just as hard if not harder and my standards are much too high for a guy in my position…I’m hoping to ‘win the lottery’ in that case…I had it easier when I was younger and it still wasn’t that easy.
I wish I didn’t care so much about looks…and could be content with an average to attractive girl…but I like girls that get your pulse racing and inspire you in a thousand different ways…average has never been for me.
And yet with a firm decision, I could end all of this chatter in my head. We’re all going to die one day anyways. This decision would be a no-brainer if I was a child in poverty in some third world country. I’d know it’ll never get better.
But it’s because I’m here in the West where you have the illusion of potential success if you work hard enough that keeps you going…hoping one day to ‘make it’ like others have.
What if 10 or 20 years from now we’re in the EXACT same place we are in today? Just scraping along, hoping it’ll get better but the time on the ‘Life Clock’ has pretty much run out.
I’d laugh at myself for stupidly holding on to the dream of improving my life and all I managed to do was just pay my bills so I could live to see another day. Utter garbage and not worth it.
I think I need to think much more seriously about my situation. For now I am tied here to this life cause of people I care about. Only when I know they’ll be ok without me would I think go forward with euthanasia…but to think within the next few months if I really wanted to ‘go’…I could and all that bullshit of a bad life, of missed opportunities, of decades of pointless suffering would fade away into nothingness.
Seriously I have way more reasons to leave this world than I have to stay. There’s very little payoff unless I actually win the lottery or it turns around in a big way somehow.
Age plays a big role too…the older I get the more pointless it is to live. If I was in my 30s or 40s, I’d feel I still had plenty of time to get my stuff sorted, but nearing 60…unless I got rich, there’s little reason to keep going.
And I agree with your point on depression…one can’t just ‘snap out of it.’ It’s a serious, persistent state of mind that isn’t easily resolved. That adds to the already hard lives we have.
Which takes me full circle to my point…why do we keep trying when life keeps knocking us down and tells us to ‘stay down?’