so i’ve been keyed into being an eccentric reclusive addictive for a while, i just took my first serious work questionnaire and remembered i can pick up social/financial skills if i so desire. previously considering it “beneath me” and not “authentic” but you know what? sometimes the truth is needed, and sometimes it isn’t. going to try to blend a little positivity into my jaded-ness. we share that only with close ones. i never learned how to put a mask on, time is now. will make life much easier, easier than trying to make every single person see me for me or themselves for themselves. pick my battles. a little psychology ala dbt must do well too.
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Heh, I figured out acting a long time before I figured out most social things. Even now, major efforts socially are more performances than anything else. That interview last week is a good example, I felt like I could feel the curtain going up, and I psyched myself up just like I would going on stage. Then when I hit a rough patch, I repeat in my head “the show must go on”, because the audience will usually forgive a stumble, but if you let it stop you entirely…. that’s a lot harder to get away with.
It’s not even entirely being someoene else. It’s more like performing stand-up or a monologue, it’s polished but it’s just energetic communicating.
I’m curious if you mean addictive as a general personality trait, or as a specific dependency. Also, kudos for going for DBT, it’s one of the most useful modern modalities.
i have a very complicated relationship with acting. i complicate it with capitalism. at the moment i’m a democratic socialist. interested in being “progressive,” though i’m afraid of the negative implications of the term aka being a naive softie. “anyone who participates in capitalism is a narcissist” = fun, reductive, but super laughable and stupid opinion. people have often told me i’d be a good comedian and that i’m witty, so i’m sure i can pick social scripts up, i’m just afraid of the mental reinforcement/becoming the mask. a personal fear of mine is losing myself to a particular role, but that might be just an irrational fear and more akin to a secret desire. anyway, complicated relationship with this stuff. when i mean addictive, i mean i get obsessive. it’s hard to pull back from certain things when my mind is set on it. almost got into legal trouble because of it. while i am learning to accept it as a trait, i’ll never forget the damage i caused, however slight.
Interesting allusion to one of the Vonnegut books I have less memorized, Mother Night; “You are who you pretend to be, so be careful who you pretend to be”
and though I have left leaning tendencies, I suppose I have sold out. I mean, I exclusively have worked for corrupt organizations, though this new thing would be a departure as I don’t think they think of themselves as corrupt. But that’s the entire point for me, studying the evil I want to attack. I suppose I also think of myself as evil, but a lesser evil in that I won’t allow myself to act out of those parts of myself, at least not towards people.
but I’ve only ever picked up masks near what I am already. Going back to Vonnegut, who I really recommend anyone interested in such philosophic issues read, I try to give a boost to the fictions that make people better than they actually are. Essentially, deception is unavoidable, the lies people tell themselves being the most potent.
but it’s a constant battle between being results driven, but not entirely believing that the ends justify the means. longing for truth, but also distrusting anyone who claims to know it, especially if they claim some exclusive understanding. Everyone runs on recycled code, what’s interesting is how they tweak it.
yeah i’ve been recommended vonnegut, although with me a lot of messages tend to go in one ear out the other as i feel i am in a vulnerable stage of my life right now. everyone is pretending. i remember in an earlier post being more conflicted about this, but i’m sure now that all emotion is tied to mental state/ego build. some of it is primal, like terror, but a lot of emotion is created. i sometimes wonder why chosen identities differ, like i’ve mentioned before, but i’ve come to find the narratives available to be fewer than i imagine. there’s about 36 plots in writing, i’ve read. how many paths a life can take? fewer than i imagined. but the dressing is all different.