go back in time and undo some decisions… -_-
I haven’t done anything “bad” but like…some decisions have just fucked me up really fucking bad. Just went to the wrong university, got the wrong degree, moved to the wrong cities, and definitely shouldn’t have moved home to my abusive mom’s shitty house- what a boneheaded move…just a whole bunch of stuff like that.
Like some I really didn’t know what was going to happen (like taking that job offer or moving to that city) but others like moving back home- THAT I should have known better. I feel like a dumbass for making ALL the wrong fucking decisions in my life. Like every decision led up to me being here, right?
Like how much is it circumstance (ie growing up poor and abused, bad drs, shitty bosses, asshole driver that ran me over) vs how much is it MY fault (me choosing x dr off of Google based on good reviews, me choosing to move to x city, etc).
Most of my decisions weren’t due to “bad” judgement (minus the last one of moving back home)- but like how much of the blame is on me? I mean yes, I do blame the fucking universe for constantly heaping shit at me, but I can only do so much given the shit life I have and the limited choices I can make. If I had money, my choices would ALL have been vastly different.
IDK. A part of me blames myself for all the “wrong” decisions in my life…but how TF was I supposed to know they were all the WRONG ones??
If only I chose a different college…
If only I chose a different major…
If only I chose not to work so much during college, I would have maintained a higher GPA (wound up with 3.3, wasn’t bad but definitely terrible given my academic background up till then)…
If only I chose to look for a good bf/husband while in college and not focused everything on school/work…
If only I had pursued x, y, z when I was younger and healthy…
If only I chose not to join the military…
If only I hadn’t talked to x guy who turned out to be an asshole and r*ped me…
If only, If only…
IDK- how much is self-blame? Maybe I shouldn’t blame myself for ANY of these things but it’s hard NOT to blame oneself…
I made the best decision I thought I could at the time, BUT what if maybe I don’t know how to make “good” decisions?? Every “good” or “logical” decision I made still had me wind up in the shits.
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the only useful thing I got from the 12 step movement is the concept of “my part”. Anything that happens in your life (other than abuse), you have a part in. Other people have a part too though, usually. The whole making amends process is about coming to a peace with the “my part” of it all. Fearless moral inventory and whatnot.
I wonder about, if I hadn’t of dropped out of high school. If I had taken the free four year degree. If I had taken more math. But then on that last one, I could correct it couldn’t I? I have tons of self learning books for trig and calculus, the two maths I missed. Whatever defect stopped me then still stops me now.
but the decision making process, that can be analyzed and optimized. There are two parts; the gathering of data and interpretation/analysis. Most of the faults I’ve found in my decision making process was the gathering of data. Given that info, that’s what I’ve been working on. Evidenced by me making fewer bad choices the further in life I get.
It seems to me that the emotional part is where you get stuck, trying to forgive yourself your faults. But, logically, as long as you have that block, you can’t move on. You become puppet to the strings of your own self loathing and self doubt.
because the relevant question is how you make decisions now, that’s where you still have control. How you made decisions should inform that process, and if it isn’t, there’s your defect.
the problem is this- i used to be confident in my decisions, confident in myself. then i met this asshole, this gaslighter and manipulator who chiseled away my confidence in myself, and have not been able to get it back since. bc i now lack confidence, i am not able to make decisions with confidence. before, i made a decision and that was it. i went full in. now, i make a decision and regret it / think i shouldn’t have / mull it over and over in my head / etc.
none of which i can really control, or tell myself to NOT do.
Ya I’ve pondered that a lot too…imagine if there was a god/alien/fairy, who took pity on our plight and decided to let us go back in time…to any point you wanted.
It’d be a one-time deal and no changes after that…I’d wonder if I’d make the same foolish mistakes or get it right this time-assuming I could go with the knowledge I have today.
Then at the same time I really wouldn’t want to live out my life again, like watching a bad movie twice…hearing the same lines…but this time it’s not a movie. If something bad happens, you suffer, say health issues or something else.
But ya if I had my brains now with my younger/healthier body…I guess it’d be worth it. I’d probably bypass my stupid hard-as-fcuk eng degree and go for something easier…I intended to do a business deg anyways (my 2nd choice).
Maybe load up on bitcoin, drop whatever cash I had on the booming tech stocks…ride the market both ways on the dotcom boom/bust.
Yes totally worth it I’d do it. Would be nice to be young again…and I’d use it to my full advantage.
However that’d do nothing for my present situation…I couldn’t leave my family in their present state, unless they got a reboot too….if so then it’s cool…but I’d never abandon them for my own selfish betterment.
One zig I zagged that I would unzag is that I doing this shitty bank job (rotten manager), I had the chance of making a lot of money off a tech giant, I was unable to make the trade because back then technology was limited, I should’ve just taken a frigging day off or something, durr.
Anyways, I got a promotion and it was pivotal…had I not taken it, I could’ve traded and made more in a month than I made in a year at that job….that would’ve allowed me to just go trading FT and quit that garbage job…wish I did that.
That’s the thing I had the brains for this field and I was always so close to making a lot of money, but my life stopped me from taking advantage…but if I made one or two good trades, then I would’ve been set for life thereafter. It was my shitty jobs and family problems always holding me back.
*more money…
but the thing is, MY “mistakes” weren’t necessarily “foolish.” Most were made in a very logical manner, especially the decisions I had made earlier in life. I was very logical and pragmatic and chose the “best” option I could. And even then, it always somehow turned into the “worst” decision…
yes, the decisions I’m making now, may not be the best sound decision (like my idiotic move back home, i didn’t want to but ignored my gut and caved in to pressure from extended family, plus “free rent”). yes, that one is on me, i should have followed my gut. No amount of saving money is worth living with my shitty narcissistic mother.
but all the other ones- especially the well-thought out past decisions from my teens and 20s- back when I was very stoic and thought like Data from Star Wars- being logical and pragmatic had not produce good results. Somehow, the logical decisions always had me wind up with the shittiest bosses, shittiest sargeants, shittiest outcomes, shittiest luck.
i just feel so defeated.
aside from my boneheaded move back home, most of my other decisions from the past 10 years also have been logical- none were obviously bad/shitty/foolish decisions. if they were, it’d be easy to correct.
Then you do have to blame your environment…it’s like me too, I felt I made the best choices at the time. I took my degree because I thought there would be money at the end and also just the rep the degree would give me.
Little did I know I’d be surrounded by obnoxious (nerdy-not the good kind) people in a very hard program. What’s even worse is that it was a smaller univ with something to prove…they needed accredidation so even though they had a rep for being one of the best school’s for my program, they literally doubled our course-load.
That was my signal to drop this POS uni…or program and go elsewhere. I was accepted at the most reputable uni in Canada (and it was my first choice) for a ‘lesser’ eng degree (civil)…but I felt it’d be a downgrade. I could’ve gone there and try to switch after, but it’s very hard to get good grades in eng as most people know.
Anyways, I stupidly stuck with the program, it took me longer to graduate and what’s worse is that outsiders didn’t believe we were doing twice as much work as any other school and in the end I got nothing for it. Eventually they reduced the load since they were ruining people’s lives-azzholes…but I had graduated by that time.
My other sister tried to talk me out of it-there were times we got along well and always tried to give each other good advice, but because I started doing well I stuck with it.
As Viking (I believe) said in a similar post, you make the choices you can and live with them because at the time they seem right.
This is really the game of life….I believe in your choices you did the best you could but it was the crappy city and people in it that tripped you up repeatedly…because bad people are everywhere and I’d even say they’re the norm in our world.
As for going with your gut, yes you should trust it. Sometimes people have their own agenda for telling you things, sometimes they’re totally clueless and think it’s the right thing to do. Some people actually want to see others fail and laugh about it.
What we need in society is probably the most critical skill in life, the ability to think and project into the future-run various scenarios in my head.
For example, I knew the course load would eff me up…but I had “hopes” and “dreams” I’d make it…and that I’d beat the odds. Rather than coldly, clinically realize the odds are against me, I’d suffer for no reason and there was no pot of gold at the end of that rainbow.
Now in Canada if I went for med school, that’s a very different thing…you’re bascially guaranteed a job if you finish the program…but I don’t like blood and guts and dealing with diseases so I avoided it, but ofc I would’ve been set for life if I became a doctor.
That’s why banks in Canada give med students $100k (or more) unsecured student loans, because there’s a very low rate of default….the eng field-all fields should be the same, do the fcuking program, you are guaranteed a job at the end…but we had to prove ourselves at every interview.
How can they expect you to memorize 4 years of equations and other BS? We’ve proven our ability to think/solve problems, that should be enough.
Ya what I’d give to go back and change certain choices…undo stupid mistakes and ofc take the good opps.
It seems living with your mom was one of the worst decisions for you….like for me living where I am now-but I had very little choice but to take it.
Basically we both need to move to a better place to improve our lives. My job is on the line right now cause I missed a lot of work…hopefully my superiors will be sensible and allow me to move to improve my situation and then I have no doubt I’ll be fine after.
Given your health situation I feel you are stuck right now but I hope you too are able to get yourself out of that trap.
my health was already not great to begin with, but since moving here, it’s fucked me up real bad, my mom’s shitty disgusting house. my personal area is clean but you can’t do anything about the old ass wood and shit like that.
idk what to do. i’m too sick to move, but staying here means i get even sicker. but i’m too sick to move… so FML.
It’s one of those ‘desperate times calls for desperate measures.’ If you can stay somewhere like a hostel or capsule hotel (if they have any)…then it might be worth it.
Health comes first…without it, we can’t make any real changes in life. I’m lucky I still can get some sleep but it’s at the wrong times.
Otherwise my health is also greatly affected by where I live…I mean it’s a clean ok place, thank god for that, but noise is a major problem…so I have to find something better.
I think if you can find somewhere better to live it could help a lot. Sometimes people even go to other countries to drop the cost of living-like Thailand or elsewhere.
Speaking of which, condos/houses are very affordable in some Asian nations that are up and coming….but I like where I am so I wouldn’t go there, despite knowing my life will be way better than.
i wish i could go to SE Asia. it’s the smart logical thing to do- safe, good medical care, low cost- but it’s too hot and humid and my body can’t hack it -_-
i was thinking either Mexico or Ecuador but getting situated anywhere in a new country is going to be hard- extra extra hard for me- disabled and all by myself with no help. idk what to do. i could take the plunge but what if i get stuck in Ecuador with no help and problems arise?
hell, this fucking infection is still not cleared and i’ve been battling this shit for almost 3mo. the drs here are shit.
Ya good idea, some S American countries are good places to live too…some US ex-pats retire in those places because of safety, lost cost of living, decent health care…I saw a documentary about that once.
But ya I wouldn’t suggest it if you have health issues and are alone. In my case, I have severe back issues that can hit me every so often…and when my back is ‘out’…I can’t even look after myself and do basic things like make my own breakfast…I need a few days of total bedrest till it’s strong enough to get around.
Thankfully my mom is with me and she’s been a huge help. I plan to go back to the gym to strengthen it so I never have this problem again…but for now I’m in a vulnerable situation. That’s another good reason to have an s/o in your life to help each other.
So ya until your health is 100% or you have a best friend/family member or s/o you can count on, best not to travel/live alone…esp. as a woman.
One of my things to do on my bucket list is to travel to Europe…a couple of my friends went travelling around SE Asia and they had a blast…I think it’s just best having at least one or more people to share your travel experience with.
the problem is there is NO way my health can go to 100%, bc it’s been 21 fucking years and being in shithole USA with shit healthcare and shit drs who only make me worse, i only get sicker. i should have fucking gone straight from my last place to overseas, and NOT gone fucking home. My mother’s fucking SHIT place wrecked my body. I’ve NEVER had an infection ever, let alone one this fucking bad, and it wasn’t just one fucking infection. It’s completely wrecked my body, and my mother doesn’t give one shit, and all the rest of my extended family wants is for me to leave bc SHE wants me gone, and NONE of my extended family give a shit that i’m so sick. not only they’re all shit but this infection has permanently fucked with my body. fucking SHITHOLE of a place.
i NEED to gtfoh. but idk where to go. and it’s NOT easy for me to go. but i can’t stay here either. mom’s place is a shithole. even the bed here is a piece of crap bc she didn’t spend a single dime to fix my place up. did literally the BARE fucking minimum.
the problem is that being here fucked my body up- in so many ways. i’ve never been so sick in my life. i’m sick bc my mother is a fucking dirty disgusting b!tch. bacteria every fucking where. and not ONE iota fucking sorry i got sick bc of HER disgusting house and her disgusting habits. the rest of the family is not one iota sorry or care either, bc of whatever SHE told them about me bc she’s a lying sack of shit.
she even lies about her not having the keys to my area. an obvious lie but they just buy her lies. like wtf. like how would SHE not have keys to her OWN fucking house? not even a smart lie but my uncle believes her. “she told me she doesn’t have the keys to your place, so i just believe her.” and i told him that was an obvious lie and that i could show him the keys in her cabinet. no response from him. like WTF. HOW does everyone just fucking believe this c/unt? yet *I* am the one being painted as the evil shitty person. fucking hell. EVERY single thing out of her mouth is a fucking lie. i didn’t know just what a fucking b!tch she was. what a shitty nasty evil b!tch she is. and now all of family is against me. the way she got EVERYONE against my father when he was alive. EVERY single thing was blamed on him. and everyone just believed EVERYTHING she said.
and god knows what lies she’s telling the rest of the family about me. and shame on them for just believing everything she says, and no matter what i say they just believe her. fucking shit family. fucking assholes. i wish to god i never fucking let them convince me to move here.
I truly feel for you Eternal but that’s the ugly, evil world we live in. Your doctors probably need to use stronger antibiotics as the infection could’ve adapted.
Your mom’s place sounds like a nightmare…I’m assuming you have some savings….if I was in your shoes I wouldn’t hesitate to apply for any social programs, to help you survive in the meantime.
In Canada, had you paid into it for a while, you’d easily get welfare and also income for being disabled and that’d be plenty to live on your own and meet your needs…you wouldn’t have to depend on anyone. Then you could focus on recovering and return to working.
If your health was a bit better, I would’ve suggested going to some European nations like Germany or Netherlands which have a very substantial social safety net that unfortunately migrants are fully taking advantage of.
They didn’t pay into it, but are claiming benefits that native Europeans aren’t getting…you could try to go there as an economic migrant and see if they’d help you out-or call before going and get the ppwk done beforehand.
Again given how bad your situation is and your desire for a better life, then you’d need to do whatever you could to get out of the tough spot you’re in.
I’ll confess my dad had suggested that I find a woman from our culture and marry for economic reasons…it certainly would bring in much needed income and drastically change my situation…but I don’t think I’m desperate enough to do that.
Plus I tend to have high standards and have always dated pretty girls (from here)…I just can’t settle for anything less.
Actually one time I met a hot girl (easily a 9.5/10 on anyone’s scale), from my culture when I was in high school…but I just wasn’t into her and I do feel bad for walking away from her-she was interested…we’d have made a great couple, but if I don’t feel that spark/chemistry with someone, then there’s no point for me.
So in the meantime I’m just going to continue to focus on bettering my life, maybe get my trading going and hopefully end up in a better situation…but my dad was not wrong.
Everything is very expensive here and we’re barely getting by. An extra income would be a game-changer for my mom and I.
Though I’d much rather increase my income and then find a partner who I’d be happy with…it’s always been one of my ‘dreams’ and I can’t settle for less.
Ya you’re in a toxic situation, not just because of the house but your mom/family. I lived with my dad on and off…when he was divorced, he was intolerable to live with, a psycho…my step-mom has experienced it.
Luckily for me, I was just able to move back with my mom (when I was a kid)…so I understand where you’re coming from. Bottom line here is that you have to get away from her and her house…it’ll probably do her in being in such a nasty place.
It’s just unfortunate you have no other family member you can live with temporarily till you get yourself on your feet again.
I replied to another post of yours yesterday but it’s currently in moderation…hopefully it’ll get approved soon.
my problem is that moving here has irreparably damaged my health, which i am fucking angry and bitter about. my skin, my legs, my veins, all fucked up.
i was apprehensive about going overseas on my own to a country i know nothing about and know no one nor the language. i thought it was smarter to have housing here in the USA secured first, so i can hop back and forth overseas and the USA.
but being here has damaged my health so much, and ironic bc my apprehensive on leaving to overseas in the first place was bc of my bad health, but now staying here has damaged my health SO SO SO much more. like infinitely more in just a span of a few months.
So NOW I am really fucked- trying to go overseas when I am now even MORE sick and vulnerable. FML.
I have NO other options.
Ya it’s a good idea…if you do have a place in your country first in case you have to come back. I’d suggest a European nation for the reasons mentioned earlier and I think English is pretty common among those nations.
But your health is a deal-breaker…that’s priority one. Whatever you can do to fix it is what is needed at this time…then moving, etc…is secondary. But without our health, we can’t make changes in life.
Hmmm, maybe you can room with someone…sometimes it’s pretty cheap to do and most importantly it gets you out of your mom’s place. Though I have heard some people have had not so good experiences.
Another option is to find a dirt cheap rental…just to get you out of where you are…turn over every rock…even if the place is a bit sub-par, so long as it’s clean and let’s you recover…just a thought.
Some people would even live out of their car in a situation like yours…like if you could at least sleep in it at night.
no, i can’t room with someone. they’re not that much cheaper and dealing with other ppl is a PITA. and a cheap rental will probably have shit like mom’s place. and airbnb is fucking ridiculous now.
i can’t spend time and energy on finding a new place when it’s going to be temporary. it’s too hard to spend so much energy on something i need for a few months, when it is so hard for me to settle in, buy everything i need for the place, figure out my surroundings/stores, etc, only to leave in a few months. i know a normal healthy person can do it, but not when i’m unhealthy. if i move, i can’t get stuck at ANOTHER fucking place. and me being sick means if i move somewhere in the USA temporarily means i’ll just fucking get stuck here.
BUT- i need to fucking leave here. it’s about to turn into summer soon in 2 mo and summer is fucking awful here. and summer is like 5-6mo. UGH.
i NEED to fucking leave, but i have nowhere to go. no good cheap/affordable options in the USA. so ONLY solution is to go overseas. but again, i run into problems of being sick and not knowing anyone and not knowing the language and having to set everything up on my own is going to be a b!tch and a half. and not sure i can do it. but i don’t have a choice.
and my problem is that i
1- dont have the confidence in myself that i need to do it on my own
2- i don’t have the oompf/zest to go after it. my head says it’s the logical thing to do, but when your heart or drive isn’t in it, then it’s like forcing yourself to do laundry or some other kind of chore. it doesn’t work well unless i can get back that drive, but i haven’t got the drive in years, the more depressed, jaded, and sick i’ve gotten.
but i can’t do NOTHING. that is the worst.
basically every option is a bad one. no good options here in the USA and god knows what’ll happen if i try going off on my own now that my health is fucking shit.
and again, can’t stay in shithole USA. everywhere is expensive. where it isn’t super expensive, i’d need to buy a car, and that in of itself, is a large expense. so it doesn’t work..
yes, i wish i had my own nice place here, would solve everything, but i don’t.
i feel so fucked. this is why my life never fucking works out, bc i have very limited “choices” i can make to begin with
i’m depressed as shit. time is running out and i’m still fucking stuck and now 100x more sick than before i came here. FML.
god i just wish someone would come along and rescue me. i know that’s not happening bc reality sucks ass, but seriously, i’ve fended for myself since i was 7 yo, i’m a sick, weak girl and i’m FUCKING TIRED. -_-.
Overseas could be your best option, as cost of living is dirt cheap compared to N America…like Thailand, you can’t go wrong and they’re reasonably developed too.
Yes there is a language barrier, I don’t want to mislead you as most of these places probably don’t speak much English but it is spreading to such places, Philippines might have more English speakers.
I think we all wish we had someone that could bail us out of our situation…unfortunately few of us have rich uncles to save us…most of us are on our own and have to fight for everything we want in life.
There’s not a lot keeping me afloat either and I don’t have the will to live like some people.
For me if my “world fell apart” as I know it, then I’m done fighting. I’ve fought, suffered, been the underdog, taken a lot of crap I didn’t deserve from people…for nothing…all because I was born into a lower income family and the choices I made didn’t pan out.
I’m just fed up with all the BS I’ve gone through and have reached my limit. This ‘phase’ is my final attempt at trying to cobble together a decent life…I’m headed into the oblivion of old age anyways where life becomes fairly pointless, esp. if one doesn’t have an s/o by them.
If I lose my mom, it won’t be a ‘last straw’ but close, I might have to stay with my dad for a bit until I find an s/o….he grudgingly agreed if this was to happen.
But little is tying me here…just living off my dreams/desire to do some things I wanted in life…so we’ll see how it goes…so far I’m ok so I’m going to keep chugging along.
If my health goes and I mean in a bad way, no hope of improving, then that’s the end for me…seeing one’s life come to a close is scary but it’ll happen one way or another…would rather do it on my own terms than to die from let’s say ending up homeless or something and dying from the elements.
The problem is I can’t live in most places. I can’t live in SE Asia, otherwise I would’ve already moved there. The options I have are slim- it’s basically Ecuador I can afford. I can’t even get permanent residency in fucking Mexico, bc they require more $$$ bc so many American’s are flocking to Mexico to retire.
Even Ecuador isn’t cheap. Not after Covid. Hell, I can’t even afford Chile. Chile costs more to live than Mexico. There’s some countries I could afford to go to, but none that are desireable. I don’t want to go to like Africa. That’s the only other place that’s cheap/affordable.
True I’d avoid Africa…they have a long way to go still to develop and it’s very risky.
But Ecuador sounds reasonable.
Ideally though if you could improve your health, you could just stay in the US and enjoy the standard of living here.
USA is too fucking expensive. rent/food is insane. even healthy able-bodied ppl can’t afford to live here.
I hear ya.
life is bullshit. life is hell unless you have money. and when you’re born poor and disadvantaged, it’s even worse bc there is very little upward mobility.
“most of us are on our own and have to fight for everything we want in life.”
Yeah I get that, but I NEVER even had a childhood where I was EVER taken care of. It’s not the same when you’ve been taken care of for 18 years, then grow up and take care of yourself. When you’ve NEVER had that security, NEVER had that love or nurturing, NEVER had anyone take care of you and you’ve had to take care of yourself since age 7- I can’t explain how it changes/shapes a person.
I’m fucking tired is what.
I could’ve done what ALL the other fucking girls did in college, which was latch onto some rich guy, then do nothing and be a housewife/trophy wife.
But no. I wanted to make something of myself, want to achieve things, and so I worked hard af, worked long hours, devoted myself to career, thinking hard work pays off. But no. All that ever did was screw myself over- the best years of my life working for some corporation/govt entity that gives you a pittance in wages for your efforts and labour. Meanwhile, you have built nothing in your own personal life, bf/husb, friends, social life, having fun, etc.
I’ve never once been able to relax- most ppl had a childhood where they were free, no worries, had fun. I had to work in a sweatshop since age 7. So fuck this world. I’m fucking tired. I just want a good and happy life. I’m tired of struggling, of being poor, or of working myself to death.
And yes, as a female, I DO want a man to take care of me. In non-western cultures, men still do that, though it’s dying there as well. Once upon a time, even 30-40 years ago, even in the USA, a man worked and his ONE salary was able to take care of the WHOLE family. Now 2 incomes barely pay all the bills.
and yes, i was very pretty when i was younger so i could definitely have chosen a much easier path (i used to be a model at one point). i didn’t have to work so hard, i didn’t have to join the military. i could have easily just married a man i didn’t love to take care of me like all the women i saw around me do.
but no. i wanted love. i wanted to achieve something on my own. i just had to be a good person and work hard and achieve something on my own. stupidest decision ever when i literally could have rested on my laurels and just used my good looks to snag a rich or well-to-do husband.
there is no meritocracy. hard work doesn’t pay off. and being intelligent counts for diddly squat. my idiot 2.5 GPA friend is making 250K and where am I? Where are you? I skipped grades in school, started college at 15. I got into a Genetic Engineering program. I could’ve done that, and I was good at the sciences. I know engineering is a hard degree- it was known to be hard and was respected in my school.
But where are we? Knowledge and intelligence counts for diddly squat in today’s world.
Ya you had it rough…sometimes it’s just better to take the easy road…esp. for women, if you’re attractive you can bag a rich guy….have a strong prenup in case he dumps you and you’re set for life.
I don’t blame women for wanting that…if I was wealthy I wouldn’t mind that a woman would want me for my money, so long as she genuinely liked me to…if not no thanks. But otherwise I guess I’m more ‘traditional’ I don’t expect my s/o to work.
Only that as you mentioned now we need 2 incomes to survive…for women not to work it’s a luxury now…if the guy earns enough.
sadly, now i’m now middle age and can no longer use my looks. i mean, this is what i get for WANTING to work hard and achieve something on my own merit, of wanting a bf/husband for love and not for money. THIS is what I fucking get. You have no idea how pissed off I am. I know so many girls who are living great cushy lives rn doing nothing but spending the husband’s money, and they’re not even that pretty. but they spent their youth chasing a rich guy, so now they got that cushy life. -_- Sigh…
Yep, I know the feeling…I have a friend who is a moron and barely made it through our program. If not for the help he got from my other friends and profs, he would’ve flunked…now he’s an arrogant bigmouth and acts like he’s some genius…my other friend told me I’m way smarter and should’ve gone further than him and he just lucked out.
But that’s life…these losers around us just manage to squeak by and do well in life, but those of us who put in the hard work and are generally good to others get shafted.
It goes back to making the right choices at the right time…like you want to be independent, but for some reason it just didn’t pay off…however you were sidelined because of that accident. In my case-it was poor decision making.
Anyways, in a way I feel I got what I deserved, because in hindsight I think I could’ve made better use of my time…and the opportunities I had. Can’t do anything about it now but try to make my situation better or to ‘opt out’ of living. So I’m trying for the former…as I still want to keep going for now.
I wasn’t sidelined just by that ONE accident. if it were, i would not be so bitter. it’s constantly being shafted, time and time again, starting at birth and throughout my whole childhood, and then all sorts of shit thrown at me in my adulthood. i manage to get screwed over and over again. THAT is what pisses me off. If it was just ONE thing, but it isn’t. It’s the multitudes of shit that keeps getting thrown my way, since birth, and I’m fucking sick of it.
No certainly not…I meant that the accident had a major impact, but ofc you were getting attacked by life from many directions and reasons, similar to me as well…but not to the same extent.
i’m tired, man. i’m tired of life never working out for me. i’m tired of the universe shitting on me. i’m tired of constantly struggling with one health problem after another, most of which is fueled by poverty.
i’m just tired of this shitty unfair life. why do *I* have to get shafted when others who aren’t talented or smart get ahead in life? the ppl who get ahead aren’t the smart and talented ones. well, a small percentage. but mostly the ones who get ahead in life are the ones who’ve learned how to use and manipulate ppl. or ppl born into it. i’ve seen it time and time again. look at all the ppl who are ahead in life who don’t deserve. how did they get there?
i’m just tired of this shitty life. i’m tired of constantly struggling. i’m tired of getting shafted. i’m tired of seeing users and manipulators and idiots get ahead in life.
i’m beaten and battered.
i don’t have much left in the gas tank…
“There’s not a lot keeping me afloat either and I don’t have the will to live like some people.”
That’s the problem- after ALL the shit I’ve seen and experienced in this shitty world, I don’t have the will like I once did. And if you don’t have the will, the drive, then doing ANYTHING is going to be difficult af. Which is why I’m still here and not overseas already.
Agreed.
Well one great thing about this site, aside from talking with others in a similar boat is that it helps to clarify one’s mind and make better decisions and for me, to be more at peace with the idea of ending my life.
I’m also fortunate that Maid is becoming more liberal in Canada….so it won’t be too hard for me to get when I am truly ready to ‘go.’
Before coming here my head was a mess…unhappy with my life, thinking about suicide, etc…but now I have more direction, purpose and focus…that is I’m going to keep trying to better my life…give myself at least 10 years to reach my goals.
However if SHTF then I might bail out sooner and if after the decade I’m no better off then that’s the signal for me to pull the plug. Even today I’m ready to ‘throw in the towel’ excuse the cliches…but I’m going on because I believe I can make my life better.
At the same time I’m not clinging to life no matter how bad it gets…I’m ready to jump ship if I see turmoil in the future with no hope of improvement then I’m out. I really DGAF about living any more, like I used to when I was in my 20s and 30s…and put up with all kinds of crap…I’ve had my fill now.
I have a little savings left and might blow it on a last vacation or something…should my life fall apart and then I’ll leave forever….billions of people have come and gone…I’m just another number.