never ever say that this is the worst, because life will take it as a challenge. I’ve been suicidal, psychotic, blackout angry, blacout drunk, high, so sick I couldn’t walk and a wide variety of other kinds of fucked up
but life keeps coming up with new. If I wasn’t so pissed and tired I’d be impressed at the creativity. Perhaps there does have to be a creator, can such a screwed up situation as this be created by chance?!
because I’m not suicidal. Not for lack of ability, I certainly could be, if I felt so inclined. Perhaps I will be, what horrors come next, who’s to say?
I’m getting creative with my self harm. I’ve been taking a knife, and what I do is I drag it against my skin, not enough to draw blood, just enough to hurt. It doesn’t leave a mark at the time. Now, hours later, it looks like I slept on something in the shapes that I carved into my arm. haha, silly silly, I am an innovator in my own relationship with suffering. I discovered that the best results come from the most tender of skin. This is not a good idea at all. I’m a sick puppy, for sure.
but the pain is purifying. I was talking with Nevercara about pain, didn’t really get into that I might be a masochist, or a sadist, can you be both? I might be. You dive deep enough into empathy, you get fascinated by exotic pain. Sometimes I think about amputation. Never confessed that before, new depths of darkness are interesting, eh?
I’m just so sick of being honest, pure, kind, ethical, and I don’t know how to be otherwise. Apart from myself, I’m not that successful at hurting people. I can’t even steal a damn thing. and lying, not good at that either.
I’m supposed to draw people towards clean living, right? That’s the whole point of morality. But, for days like today………. don’t seek purity, don’t be ethical, kind or generous to your fellow human beings. It ain’t worth it. It’ll eat your whole life, and keep eating, eat everyone you ever loved too.
Steal whatever you want. Hurt people, as long as they have it coming. Live as you please, there’s no significant reason not to. You can repent right before death IF there even is some kind of great hereafter, WHICH I doubt. As above so below, I doubt there’s any more organization anywhere else than there is here.
36 years of playing by the rules, getting education, gaining skills, working hard being kind to others, and for what? this shit?
I want to speak to life’s manager, return this shit. Do you know who I am? I’m the man who’s going to burn your house down, with the lemons.
6 comments
“never ever say that this is the worst, because life will take it as a challenge. I’ve been suicidal, psychotic, blackout angry, blacout drunk, high, so sick I couldn’t walk and a wide variety of other kinds of fucked up but life keeps coming up with new.”
>>Story of my life homie :'(
“I’m just so sick of being honest, pure, kind, ethical, and I don’t know how to be otherwise. Apart from myself, I’m not that successful at hurting people.”
>>SAME here homie. Also don’t know how to lie, manipulate etc either. -_-
“36 years of playing by the rules, getting education, gaining skills, working hard being kind to others, and for what? this shit?”
>>Ditto. This is why I am so angry and bitter. -_-
Have you ever been diagnosed with BPD? The empathy and self harm bits sounds like it.
one day I hope to work with a therapist long enough to figure that riddle out, because while I was in school I took a test to see which personality tendencies I tested highest for, and it’s actually the contrary trait. Oh boy, big thing for me to try and unpack, I might not unpack it all
So each major personality disorder has an associated personality trait. For BPD it’s mercurial, fluidity and change lack of constancy appear to be core to the disorder. I’ve worked with a few people with BPD, this seems to track.
The opposing trait is conscientiousness, a craving for structure and order, which associates with obsessive personality disorder (not to be confused with obsessive compulsive disorder), which is what I test highest for. Well, what I tested highest for when I was at my highest level of function, four years ago.
but I only found the one book exploring this relationship and the existance of these traits in people without personality disorders. but to me it seems that it doesn’t work to say I absolutely have BPD, for one I have stable relationships, really stable relationships.
My deep resentment and issues are directed towards a certain kind of authority figure, a kind of authority figure I’ve struggled with my whole life. At this current juncture, I think projecting disfunction on me for it not working is victim blaming. I got a college degree, and in fact every time I’ve had a job where success was an option, I succeeded.
It’s just been recently, seeing it happen to other people, realizing that we’re all being gaslit into thinking that we’re the problem, when it’s the economy, it’s HR, it’s management, it’s the way employers treat people.
I probably have complex PTSD, but only when it comes to bad employers, and unfortunately that presents as BPD, and is unavoidable in the modern economy. That’s my hypothesis anyway.
could be high functioning. you just seem to have an artistic/sensitive temperament.