I feel like very little focus has been given by society to the question of how to cope with having to give up on one’s deepest needs/desires/longings. The assumption always seems to be that with the right fix, the right help, everything is achievable, for everybody. And I just don’t think that’s the case.
Sometimes, there are things that feel crucially important that you just can’t pursue, without compromising other fundamental needs, or putting the wellbeing of others at risk. And acknowledging that to yourself doesn’t stop the longing for those things. It doesn’t make the pain go away.
Example – a significant part of me deeply wants a family. I think that’s a pretty common, run-of-the-mill sentiment. Most hominids throughout history could relate. I’ve also come to the firm conclusion that it would be deeply unwise/irresponsible/fucked up to try and pursue that, for the wellbeing of everyone concerned. So that’s resolved, right? No need to think about it further. Except my subconscious mind constantly bends back towards it, and fixates on anything around the topic. And I have to remind myself over and over again why this seemingly key part of the human experience is not something I’m pursuing. And it sucks.
It makes sense why few people would want to discuss how to deal with seemingly fundamental aspirations being impossible to meet. Until you’ve experienced it yourself, it doesn’t seem relevant. Maybe there’s nothing useful or relevant to say anyway. Or maybe it is addressed frequently, and nobody sent me the memo. Maybe I’ve simply discovered what everyone else always knew, and never talked about. I guess it just seems like it would help to feel less alone/lost if there were more discussion along the lines of: “So, your fundamental needs/assumptions/hopes/desires/plans for your life are irredeemably fucked. What now?”
6 comments
I always feel like a space alien talking about it, but I have things I want that I don’t think I’m going to get around to getting, and so I’m always working on letting go.
like there’s this obsessive spiral, and the sick thing is that it really isn’t that different regardless of the focus. It gets sick when you realize you’ll never land, you’ll never satisfy, or at least it’ll be an indefinite amount of time before it happens, it’ll drive you mad, literally.
maybe I was lucky, maybe I was cursed to have a Buddhist mentor. I’m not a Buddhist, but I picked some things up about attachment. When attachment becomes a curse, let go.
I live in a heavy tornado area, the sky turns certain colors when a destructive storm is coming. So that’s kind of what the obsessive spiral forming is like. When the sky turns orange, that’s what we look out for. When the sky turns orange, we get to rooms with no windows, we make sure we know where our emergency kits are.
When the sky turns orange in my heart, I close the windows, I turn inward and try to wait for the storm to pass. I hope that helps.
“Obsessive spiral” sounds about right. I think for me it does somewhat differ sometimes depending on how deep/fundamental the want/need is. I can certainly get caught up on some extremely superficial shit and temporarily feel like it’s really important, but it doesn’t quite hurt as deep as more basic stuff.
I guess Buddhism is one of the schools of thought that grapples with it, though I never learned much about how one is supposed to let go.
Like suppose that some reminder of a frustrated desire triggers a downward spiral in mood, what would it mean to “close the windows, turn inward and wait for it to pass”? Would that mean disengaging from whatever you’re doing, and just sitting staring at the ceiling till it passes? And would that make it less painful?
I suppose what you’re getting at there is kind of mindfulness/meditation? Which I’m generally terrible at/highly resistant to. But which I nevertheless feel I should be working on. Maybe that’s the best answer there is to this kind of emotional suffering.
yeah it’s kind of a mix of healthy and unhealthy avoidance…… remember I’ve been dealing with deep grief and loss for the entirety of my living memory, so in some sense I go back to age 5-7 and take my juice box to my room and draw my pictures…… but someone I love died, they aint coming back there isn’t a healing balm for that, and it all feels like echoes of that pain
In more recent sense, there was the year and a half I locked myself in this very office, got extremely high, had sex with everything willing to have sex with me, because my ex wife didn’t love me anymore. You can’t see it but I’m smiling. Those scars have finally healed over, but it was hard.
So there’s a kind of flesh wisdom to the whole thing, which is why I never wrote the book on it. My legs and stomach told me what to do, and I did it, worked out okay. New wounds, still consulting the flesh, still trying to figure it out. Yet now, I get to do it while looking healthy, so that’s an improvement right?
I really think there’s a getting out of your own way thing to it. There’s a bit of native american wisdom to it as well, ear to the ground. One day suddenly there’s a stillness, where before everything was hectic and noisy, things seem calm, and there’s a readiness to move on with life.
so yeah, mindfulness about covers it, just don’t buy any crystals, rocks or tarot cards. Maybe a little Genesha statue you rub when you get discouraged, remover of obstacles you know, only supernational entity I ever felt any attraction to…… well, that and the ancient underground moose spirit, but I’m still trying to figure out what that even is.
Damn, 5-7 is rough. The first 9 years of my life were very easy & sheltered, so I don’t think I really learned many coping skills as a child. I suppose when things got harder after that I buried myself in video games and other addictive pastimes as convenient ways to avoid the pain, which probably wasn’t great for my development, and they became less effective as escapes the more depressed I became.
Sounds like the past wounds you’ve suffered have to some extent taught you how to cope. Which is something.
There’s probably something to the importance of stillness. I’ve spent most of my life desperately trying to drown out my own awareness. I’m never relaxed, always churning inside. Even lying in bed, my legs constantly twitch. I probably need to try and stop running so much, and face what I’m actually experiencing.
Which brings it back to mindfulness… sigh. No crystals, no rocks or cards, but I’ve got a subscription to a meditation app that I haven’t used in over a year. I’ve kept paying it all this time, telling myself that soon I’ll get back to it. I’m in a fair bit more physical pain than I was then… I suppose I’m averse to the idea of purposely sitting and exploring that, or acknowledging it.
It’s not like it was ever some magical cure-all. But I do think at times I made a little progress towards being able to live with my own minute-to-minute experience. And I guess that’s what I need.
I guess it just seems like it would help to feel less alone/lost if there were more discussion along the lines of: “So, your fundamental needs/assumptions/hopes/desires/plans for your life are irredeemably fucked. What now?”
i have read a lot and discovered a lot about my lack of feeling and the negative emotions i do feel that are all under my generic label of depression.
the SP is the closet i have found where folks talk about this.