My heart and body are freezing.
I’ve tried to summon feelings of remorse but it feels like my chest is simply hollow. I have to go to school tomorrow too.
I have made mistakes. I have fallen, and I don’t really know how I will get up. I feel cold and empty. Literally, my legs are freezing. And my body feels hollow.
I silenced my conscience and forced myself to do it even though I don’t like it. And I don’t feel better. It’s late at night. I have a feeling that… I might have trouble sleeping.
I’ve acted irresponsibly. And I’m not sure this will make it better. I can move just fine at least. If I… were better, this wouldn’t have happened. But now I am here. And I don’t like it.
I become pulled toward this place when I isolate myself. When I stay inside. Something tells me that this will make me feel better. Looking at all of the posts on this website. And making my own.
Is this my addiction? I find some comfort in seeing other people suffer, I suppose. At least reading about it. I also suffer. I wouldn’t write this if I didn’t. I am quite a bad person. People always like me, but I’m not sure why. And I have been recommended not to tell others about my “internal struggle”, but I feel as though I must. I must write. It gives me a sense of relief. It’s something I know how to do. It helps me process my emotions. It couldn’t be bad, right?
But maybe it is, and I really hope not. Nobody likes getting punched in the face. At least I don’t think so. Fighting is different. When your adrenaline is so high, you don’t even feel the pain until after the fight is over. It becomes possible to push yourself to a point you would usually never be able to reach.
It does take its toll on the body. But I enjoy it. Surely it wouldn’t be so bad to do that. My body needs to become stronger. I have been abused by myself for far too long. But is that really necessary?
We all think about death so often, don’t we? Why else would we be here. I stopped thinking of death as a release. Maybe from this world, and the body. But I wonder what comes after. I only know it’s not the end. What could be on the other side? Judgement, I think. Is it really a good thing to live long in this life? I’m not sure what there is to enjoy. Only children are free. I just feel continually exhausted. Some days I am happy, even very happy. Then I think, “this is what I live for”. Everything is just a big paradox. Everything seems to be contradictory. But often, two contradicting things are true at the same time. For me, it appears to be that way in most cases.
I’m getting tired, and my emotions are numb. I actually have no emotions right now. Even as I wrote this whole thing, I have not felt any particular emotion. It’s fine. I can feel pain. And it’s not very nice, but I don’t want to complain about it. This is the life that I have chosen, I think. Or maybe it was meant to be this way. And I maybe can’t be free. In the sense that, in a very literal sense, my life will never be fully in my control, but I think that’s okay. I’m not very smart. Actually, I think I’m an idiot.
Everything that I clinged to for my dear life I must now let go of. My mind feels, in certain moments, torn in many directions. But I am free from those things in this moment. Which is fine by me. Only dark thoughts come to me now. How awful! I don’t wish to stay like this. I want to think good thoughts, perhaps not light, but probably bright ones. Lord have mercy.