—

Fuck. Okay here we go. Maybe if I write this letter out again, it’ll give me some relief. If not, well… see ya(not really. I’ll wuss out again I’m sure.)

To the ones I loved,

    I’m sorry. Nobody caused this. Nobody pushed me. Nobody but me fell short in any way. I made a very long, traceable string of decisions that put me in a very difficult situation. That paired with general depression I suppose was just a little too much. I’m not blind enough to think this was unavoidable. There are about a million things I could’ve done to improve my mental state and my situation and I did the opposite every time. Maybe I was afraid things would get better and I would still want to die? Or maybe I’m just a ticking time bomb and this was going to happen eventually no matter what, so I lept into every bad decision like it was an amusement park ride.

I’m not sure what’s on the other side and that fear and uncertainty had been enough to keep me alive until recently. I guess I just don’t care anymore. Maybe it’s nothing. Maybe when we’re gone that’s it.. Maybe there’s a God waiting to throw me into the deepest pit of hell. Maybe I’ll get a second chance. No matter what happens, I’m ready to take the gamble. I’m putting the weight down. I would ask that you don’t forget me, but what have I given you to remember? I’m not sure I would even expect you to grieve me at this point. I’ve isolated myself almost completely. My love for the people in my life never died, but my presence did and I’m too tired to fix it anyways.

I want to keep writing. To explain exactly how I got here. To find words of comfort for my mom. To find a way to tell my dogs they were the best boys in the world. I can’t. My brain is tearing itself to pieces and my heart isn’t far behind, but if you ever see this, please know how much you meant to me.. and give my dogs some extra love. If there’s a god, please don’t let my dogs think I decided not to come home. Please find a way to let them know I loved them with my whole heart until the very end. Someone give them extra snacks.. and someone give my mom the biggest, longest hug.

Goodnight.