While dreaming, upon coming face to face with a former childhood friend, I apologise for being like the person who hurt her, the one who messed her up. I repeat multiple times that I wish I wasn’t what I am. At least in that moment, I think I meant it. I honestly repent of who I am and what I’ve done. But there’s no going back, there’s no undoing what’s been done, so…
Except now, I’m suddenly lying face down, and the bed drops out from beneath me. And I’m falling, fast. It’s kind of exhilarating, almost like flying. And the thought fills me that maybe this is finally the end. That I can let go. And it feels… liberating. But then the awareness of the imminent impact overwhelms me, and I’m gripped with pure terror as the ground approaches.
And I wake, screaming, jumping out of bed. I stare at my reflection in a mirror, still gripped by terror, still screaming. It’s not my face. It’s some beastlike version of me, with fangs and hollow eyes. I scramble from mirror to mirror, clawing at my face, still manically screaming, but every reflection is the same.
And then I actually wake up (unless this is still part of it.) The fear still has a hold, and I quickly reach for the lamp switch, and briefly panic when I cannot find it. I don’t wish to be in the dark. To turn my head from the shadow in the corner. A feeling lingers, of malevolent forces beyond my control, fucking with me. That something may be watching me. It gradually fades as I type this. As I reassert order and logic, and a world where one thing rationally follows from the next.
The malevolent force fucking with me is my own mind. My guilt, my self-hatred, my regret. Entirely useless, but turned malignant. Set on depriving me of any peace or rest. On sabotaging any effort to improve my situation or become better than I was. Undoing any resolution I make. I’m that fundamentally broken.
My subconscious torments me, when I have no control, no power to prevent it. Because I deny it the death that it knows I deserve.
17 comments
funny, you and i have the opposite problem- you feel guilt for the stuff you did do- and i feel so much anger for all the stuff i DIDN’T do- ie be TOO nice to ppl my whole life, which led ppl to lie to me, take advantage of me, use me, manipulate me, etc. What did being nice and a good person EVER do for me other than to get used and taken advantaged of? I NEVER got anywhere with life, and people never reciprocate kindness. People just took took took, never gave anything back.
I am simmering with anger- if only I was selfish and a d*ick like everyone else, if only I saw ppl as a convenience and used everyone like they used me, I would probably have a high paying career and achieved something “great” with my life. Instead, I am a broken person, someone who is now bitter and hates the world and everyone and everything in it. This world has destroyed me.
Well- I suppose being the person I am, even if I did do bad things, I’d probably end up like you feeling endlessly guilty about the stuff I did. Damn, I can’t win -_-
Is this anger you feel directed more at yourself, for acting in that way, or at others for taking advantage?
I do think there’s definitely a balance – if you’re too naive, then unprincipled people can take advantage and exploit you. But it also really depends on the people around you. If you were lucky enough to be born into a loving family and a supportive community, you could easily have gone your whole life without running into anyone who would take advantage of your sweet nature. I think what matters for survival is that you’re appropriately adapted to the environment around you. Some are far more cut-throat than others. Some require you to genuinely care about others’ feelings.
Ultimately though, I think the only things that make life tolerable require being able to trust others. Kindness, mutual care, genuine connection. You could be the most ruthless, high-flying, cut-throat corporate sociopath. And maybe you’d get a thrill from exploiting others and crushing them underfoot. From all the prestige and power. But at the end of the day, you’d still be all alone. Unable to trust those around you, even romantic partners. Waiting for the moment you became weak, knowing they’d turn on you as soon as they could.
And if you still had a conscience, if you weren’t really a sociopath, you would be miserable.
It depends on your perspective, but for me, the only people “winning” are those fortunate enough to find a few moments of genuine connection with another person, where they can lower their emotional shields and be vulnerable. The rich and the powerful aren’t “winning”. There’s no peace there – only endless appetite. They’re feeding the void inside, just the same as me. Their world is shinier and more comfortable, but it’s just as empty. They just don’t realise it until they hit the end, and all the grandeur drops away. Rich or poor, we all end up materially the same, buried in the dirt. The only “winning” is in your mind, in terms of the peace and connection you find with others.
So you can berate yourself for not being better adapted to your environment (though obviously that wasn’t a conscious choice.) But I wouldn’t take the lesson from that to be that callousness or sociopathy is the way to go either. More that it’s important to protect yourself, to shield yourself from those who might exploit you. But it’s also essential to seek out those who are more trustworthy, and to be able to tell the difference. And if someone seems trustworthy but still goes on to exploit you, that isn’t your fault. It’s just bad luck.
This is anger directed at ALL the assholes that lied/used/manipulated/took advantaged/etc.
” you were lucky enough to be born into a loving family and a supportive community, ”
There is the rub, isn’t there? That ALL of my issues stem from being born into a shitty family/shitty parents. I could have grown up in poverty like I did but as long as I had A parent that cared (hell not even asking for two), I wouldn’t have grown up so broken.
Studies that shown that those who grew up in broken households rarely ever “make it”- and by make it I don’t just mean financially get out of poverty- most ppl who grew up poor in broken or abusive households have mental issues for life.
So yes, while it hurts that’s the reality of life. Everything impinges on WHO you were born to. Our American cultures LOVES to harp on the spiel that you can achieve anything, if you just “put your mind to it” and hard work blah blah. Studies already show financially most ppl cannot and do not grow up to get out of their financial bracket- ie the poor stay poor and the well to do spawn children that are well to do- even middle class.
All that drivel about “be all you can be” is utter bullshit. And none is more bullshit than the idea that you will be “fine” when you grow up with an abusive family. VERY few make it out without lifelong depression and mental issues. As hard as it is to break free from being poor- it is 100x harder to break the chains of mental issues. I knew many ppl who were poor- a few became successful- but ALL were from families/parents who CARED and were loving, nurturing, supportive.
Hell, I’ve always knew I’d trade money for happiness and love. I knew that as a kid. That is what I wished for every time I saw a shooting star as a kid. It was never wishing for success for money or fame or what have you.
I was SO close to breaking those chains too. I had a “nice” middle class job- I worked in finance in a prestigious place- I worked SO hard to get myself out of poverty- and would have been able to live at least a comfortable middle class life (at least financially) if not for the fact that I had a car accident/got sick. Well, I was already having health issues as early as 17 from growing up poor and neglected. So there’s that. A person can never fully escape their shitty past. Americans LOVE to promote independence and all that nonsense, but when you grow up with nothing and no one, VERY few grow up to have successful and happy lives. It’s still possible if you grow up poor but have a loving and supportive mother or father, but not if you don’t have that love and support. We are shaped by our past and experiences- Americans LOVE to spew “just get over the past” but it’s impossible- if it were possible, ppl who grew up poor and abused/neglected wouldn’t have mental issues for life. It is insanely difficult to “get over it.”
If you watch documentaries on serial killers, that’s how monsters are made. Most (like a good 90% of them) come from poverty and abusive or neglected childhoods. When you watch the stories of their childhoods, you start to understand how they became what they are.
“IF you were lucky enough to be born into a loving family and a supportive community,” The IF accidentally didn’t get copy and pasted. Key word. It’s annoying we can’t edit our comments.
“You could be the most ruthless, high-flying, cut-throat corporate sociopath. And maybe you’d get a thrill from exploiting others and crushing them underfoot. From all the prestige and power. But at the end of the day, you’d still be all alone. Unable to trust those around you,”
Oh no, I’m not talking about those ppl. Those are obvious and hated.
The ppl that I HATE the MOST are the narcissists and sociopaths who are sheeps in wolves clothing. They are SUPER successful- seems like the recipe for a happy successful life is to be a selfish manipulative ass but outwardly appear to be so sweet and nice and kind- like honey luring a fly to it’s death. I know many ppl like that- that’s how they are able to manipulate and use others- bc they appear to others are so nice and sweet and loving- and so ppl fall for the trap and get used/manipulated. These ppl 1- care not they are using others 2- get off on being able to fool and manipulate others and 3- have a rich social life surrounded by tons of good ppl. Apparently these ppl know exactly how to find and prey on nice kind-hearted ppl.
These ppl are who I hate the most. Bc they are assholes but get everything in life bc they pretend to be nice and loving and everyone falls for it. Which is why I have less hate for assholes who are obvious or who don’t pretend or disguise themselves as someone nice.
I’m not talking about ppl like you- I get you have to hide your true nature and you have to appear to be something you’re not. I’m talking about the ppl who are not loners- loners they keep to themselves and don’t generally go about prolifically manipulating and using ppl. No, the ppl I’m talking about are the sweet lady or nice guy that everyone thinks is so nice, and has so many friends, and is friendly to everyone. People trust those guys, and a good 80% of the time, those ppl who are the biggest manipulators and con artists. And they are VERY prolific- they are always out hunting and manipulating others. And it’s so hard to detect who these ppl are bc by the time they are adults, they’ve perfected the art of usery and manipulation, and of crafting the appearance of being the sweetest and nicest person.
THESE are the kinds of ppl who have the richest and happiest lives- they get to be selfish assholes who all they do is use and manipulate ppl, but appear to be the “sweetest person” so they have TONS of friends and loving ppl around them. These ppl also know how to sniff out and find the nicest ppl too. And they know exactly how to get to them to use/manipulate them. It’s a skill that honestly is quite impressive- and I’m not talking about the avg user/manipulator/liar. Those are common. Nooo- I’m talking about ppl who are MASTERS at the craft of deceit and manipulation- it really does take a certain skill bc they are so good at it, and there aren’t many at THAT level. And they are the BEST at finding and sniffing out the nicest ppl who are able to be manipulated too- so their circle of friends are literally the nicest and kind-hearted ppl.
Ppl like that BURN me- bc I was genuinely nice and a good person, these sharks hunt for ppl like me. So you wind up in their clutches, time and again. These ppl HUNT for prey like me, which is why and how genuinely good ppl keep getting used and manipulated. It’s not about being naive- even if you know there’s good ppl and bad ppl- I mean I was not stupid to believe everyone I meet is kind or nice or whatever crap- but these ppl purposely hunt for their victims like me- so it’s hard to escape it. And again, I’m not talking about the avg user/manipulator- there’s tons of them. I’m talking the ones who are SO good at masquerading- that EVERYONE is fooled by them, not just the “easy victims.”
THESE are the ppl who have made me HATE humans. I get the obvious assholes- we all see who they are. But it’s the wolves and snakes that are so good at masquerading and using and manipulating and stealing our trust that pushes me over the edge. These are the WORST kinds of ppl- the ones who fuck with your mind- and they are the HARDEST to weed out bc they are so good at being a covert manipulator. Again, I’m not talking about the avg user/manipulator. It’s hard to explain, but when you come across one of these ppl, you see how they are able to masterfully use and manipulate others that it’s kind of impressive- except they are deadly. THESE are the ppl who fuck with your mind and destroy you from the inside out. And they’re able to do that bc they wait for you to trust them first. Then they strike.
Which is why I just don’t trust anyone anymore. I know that’s not a good thing, to not trust anyone, and not a good way to live life, but that’s not a feeling I can control, just like we can’t control our depression.
Yes, I do hate how I have turned angry and bitter- I wasn’t this way until the proverbial straw that broke the camels back. And that was in 2020. So for the past 4 years I’ve been the miserable wretch I didn’t want to be- angry and hateful at ppl. Even tho I’ve had all this happen in my life, I was still sweet and loved meeting ppl and making friends UNTIL the last few years. I mean, even tho ppl were unkind to me my whole life, it wasn’t until the last few years that I’ve become hateful of humans. Not that life was great when I was still trusting of humans but I wasn’t so hateful. And no, it’s not something I can just say “oh humans are great, don’t be so angry and bitter” and bam, I’m not. If it were that easy, I’d do it. Bc it’s not fun living life being so hateful of humans. WHen you’ve been screwed one too many times, this is what happens.
i never cared to be rich and powerful- and don’t care to be around ppl like that either. all i’ve ever wanted was to be happy and loved, and not poor. that’s it. that’s all i’ve ever asked for and apparently that’s asking for too much.
“And if someone seems trustworthy but still goes on to exploit you, that isn’t your fault. It’s just bad luck.”
Not bad luck. These kinds of ppl seek out ppl like me- so that’s how we routinely get manipulated. They are sharks who hunt for prey. And that is exactly how they view us- as prey.
It’s not just about being aware- I am DEFINITELY aware of ppl like that out there- but it’s the “vibe” we give off- that we are lonely/depressed/desire friendship/connection- that these ppl can sense. And they purposely befriend us to gain our trust to then attack/manipulate/abuse.
and yes, it does burn me that THESE asshole manipulators and phonies are the ones who are “winning” in life. Bc they are.
also, bc i’ve been fooled by so many “nice” ppl, i’ve now become TOO aware and TOO hypervigilant about users. Like I see it all the time in normal avg ppl too when they do it. They’re not “evil” per se but I can see it and I get disgusted by it. It’s like once your eyes have been opened, you can’t unopen them.
Hmmm… so I think I probably don’t have enough experience with the kind of people you’re so angry at to fully grasp it. I’m extremely socially avoidant, so whenever I get any kind of inkling that someone is doing something that seems at all “off”, I guess I try to distance myself from them. If someone seems aggressively friendly it generally puts me off, unless I have a sense of where it’s coming from and the psychological motives behind it. Even on the rare occasions where I do make friends, I always necessarily keep them at a distance. So it’s probably pretty hard for someone to manipulate me into doing something I really don’t want to do. And if I do later realise that they’ve been using me unfairly, it probably won’t hurt me that deeply. So yeah, I can’t say I fully get it or know the type. It seems from the way you describe it that one should still theoretically be able to filter out that kind of person. But without much personal experience, I can’t say for sure.
There is an element of exploitation to most human interaction – you generally want something from someone, even if it’s only their love/company/approval. And there’s some stuff you really need from others, that they won’t just give you, like work opportunities. I get what you mean though, about seeing it in everyone. There is something very off-putting about seeing through the veneer of a person’s niceness, to the self-interest below. As long as they’re not trying to take something from you by force or otherwise violate your rights though, I generally try to look past it. Most people really are just doing what they’ve learned to survive.
But yeah, I get that your capacity for trust has been damaged. It’s understandable if it needs a lot of careful positive exposure to rebuild.
I would certainly agree that poverty and abusive parenting is a terrible combination, which can make things far more difficult for people. And that we’re shaped by our past and experiences (in combination with our natural dispositions.) As to whether any individual case is hopeless or impossible to treat, there’s no way for me to comment from the outside. But you’d probably expect it to require a more radical intervention.
You can obviously only ever do what’s within your power. But it’s usually hard to know how much capability for change you have within you. And your beliefs really can alter your perception of that. Which doesn’t mean we can easily change our beliefs. We don’t impartially choose our beliefs based on how useful they are. We believe something, and then respond accordingly. And if you believe that something is pointless, it’s far harder to do, because you’re fighting yourself ¯\_(?)_/¯
I’m not talking about the avg person who tries to “use” someone else. They’re not the ones that target ppl like me. It’s hard to explain these types of ppl unless you’ve seen 1 of them first-hand, and seen how they utterly and masterfully manipulate everyone, and has a very well concealed mask. Those types are not very easy to uncover- the avg person who tries, yes, but those types I’m describing- they’re masters at the craft of manipulation and control and usery and hiding it behind the nicest smiles and sweetest words.
and these kinds of ppl generally fool 90% of the population.
I’m not saying I’m hopeless or impossible to treat- if I thought I was 100% hopeless, I’d have already attempted Sui. I’m more just very angry at the world and disappointed at just how many shitty ppl there are, and just how ppl genuinely good ppl there are. Especially since there’s so many shitty ppl who present to the world as super nice/sweet/etc.
“Which doesn’t mean we can easily change our beliefs.”
^That is where the problem is.
1- I can’t change my beliefs even if I wanted to.
2- Even when I WAS trusting of ppl and believed in humanity- it wasn’t like I had a great life and had great friends or any of that. 3- Which is why after like 40 years I eventually just became hateful of humans. So for 39 years before that, no matter what happened to me, I didn’t have this kind of hatred for humans. So even if I somehow went back to believing in the goodness of humans, that doesn’t mean life would be great again bc it never was.
3- In order to change my view about humans, I would need humans, at least ONE person, to show me genuine kindness and care.
4- The problem is that it’s a Catch 22- Ppl generally don’t want to befriend broken ppl or ppl who are weird or loners or just not the typical extraverted happy-happy person. Normal ppl tend to avoid ppl with depression- and treat us like we have the plague that they can catch from us.
So if I have no one to show me love or kindness or care, then my views on humans will not change. And if my views on humans stay the same, then I’m not going to go out and chat with ppl and try to make friends. (bc even when I did- I tried so many times to make friends- 99% of the effort did not pan out). In the past, I go through cycles of hermitting and then going all out to events, pretending I’m outgoing, meeting ppl, doing meetups, etc. It just feels like all that effort yields little to no results. Yes I have made a few friends along the way, but none that lasts. The longest was 14 years, but she and I no longer are friends- she’s changed and I’ve changed since we met. She used to be a very nice person, genuinely nice, and now she’s such a shitty person and turned really cold. Apparently no one helped her (financially) when she was in a bind. I’m disabled and poor so I couldn’t help her. But her parents who could refused. And I guess her friends who could chose not to. And now she’s just not a good friend- to anyone. I mean she’ll be outwardly fake nice, but that’s not real. Yes, I get that I have become sus of ppl like her. Although in her case she’s one of those ppl who are fake nice and ppl buy that facade. Me, I just choose to not talk to ppl when I’ve determined they’re not nice/good/etc.
5- Anyhow, long and short of it is, in order for things to change, I need to meet at least ONE human who gives a damn about me. And doesn’t try to use/manipulate me.
“And if you believe that something is pointless,”
I don’t believe everything is pointless- it’s just that things never turn out right for me in the end- especially when it comes to making friends. When you’re disabled, sick with chronic health issues, not working and depressed- ppl don’t want to be friends with you. Just ONE of those is enough for ppl to want to stay away let alone all of the above. And ppl are SO not understanding and compassionate when it comes to depression or health issues. If ppl don’t see you in a wheelchair or have something like cancer, then they just think you’re lazy when you can’t physically do things, or work.
It’s hard to explain to someone when this is not your world and you don’t understand chronic illness. But basically ppl treat you like a worthless POS if you’re not a healthy able-bodied person, and don’t want to be friends with someone who is sick/injured/not working.
I was healthy and working and middle class once. I know what that’s like. It’s a whole different ballgame when ppl know you’re depressed/sick/not working/etc. The sick and disabled are cast aside and avoided, like we are the plague.
Hmmm, interesting interpretation on why the dreams torment you.
It’s why I say so much of my awful stuff, because getting it out has a real effect. I keep the wounds in my mind drained…. if that analogy makes sense.
It just seems like removable pain, even if it would take awhile, multiple sessions of getting gut level with yourself. I haven’t had a sufficient sample size to have confidence in it, but it seems to be true.
For me the madness became a wall, part of how I talked to parts of myself that I couldn’t remember while awake. It definitely doesn’t want me dead, it wants me more creatively insane. Which I’m working on.
Yeah, I guess it’s all just guesswork. I know I have this submerged terror of this part of myself, of being confronted with it and having to answer for it. Everything else is just the narrative my mind puts on it at 5am.
I mean I suppose a lot of my posts here are about trying to express that suppressed part of me – that knows deep down that I deserve punishment. Maybe that’s not something you can drain through words though.