I go back through my old posts every now and again to see where I was. Sometimes my problems seem so trivial and other times I remember the deep sadness I had back then. One post I made when I was around 17 I think mentioned that I don’t see myself living past 25. So that number has been in my head for sometime. I guess I just thought it was a good stopping point. I don’t turn 26 until December. There is still time to make good on my promise. Maybe failing this semester will give me that push.
This week was just completely unproductive. When is it not? I just couldn’t muster up the drive to really work on anything. The project for my one class is starting to pick up so I’ll have even less time to work on that stupid dumb ass robot of mine. Today that girl that I always talk about was giving a lab tour to some relatives. Unfortunately for me, I was working in the lab. She ask that I explain my robot a little bit and I barely mustered out a sentence or 2. Doubt I impressed those people. Glad I don’t care. I find it tragic when sure bets don’t end up happening. Me being alone on the weekend was always a sure bet.
I can’t tell why I’m so calm about my situation. Not completely calm. Still have anxiety when thinking about it, but I’m not freaking out either. Not like last month. Maybe I want to fail. Maybe it will give me my push. Honestly sometimes it doesn’t feel real. As hard as I try, I can’t imagine 2025. It’s like a roll of film that just ends and then burns up in the projector. Blank. There’s still time, but it’s running out.
1 comment
Sorry to hear JD…just do what you feel. If you’re not in the mood for socializing with others, you don’t have to.
In high school, I was deeply depressed and hated my life…I was fine talking with friends/family but not so good with strangers.
I was at the subway on time (I think I was 17 yrs old) and noticed this gorgeous brunette girl and she was checking me out too…as I was walking past her, she bumped into me, we both smiled and laughed and apologized…she could’ve been my future wife under other circumstances, she was totally my type. I wouldn’t have wanted anyone else, I mean unless we were really incompatible somehow, but I never got to find out.
Anyways, I wanted so desperately to talk to her, but I had social anxiety and a lack of confidence…life beats you down, but partly we do it to ourselves. I think if she said ‘Hi’ broke the ice, I might’ve snapped out of the crazy headspace I was in…but I just had no self-confidence and feared rejection.
I mean it’s crazy when we’re young, how much importance we give to ourselves and every little action we take. I think back now and feel like I was a total douchebag-to put myself in a corner like that-for nothing. I should’ve just realized I’m an average Joe and if I eff up, then so what?
Though ofc our experiences also shape us…it’s easy to look at it from the outside and say, just get over yourself, be your normal charming self…ugh, there were many wasted opportunities like that sadly.
Eventually when I became more confident/less depressed, I improved overall as a person. Mind you it wasn’t just being down about my life, I was also living with my dad who was a rotten scumbag and a tyrant and made my life miserable and I had to deal with some bullying at school, luckily it wasn’t terrible just a couple of guys getting in my face.
But when you add it all up…then it can weigh you down mentally. While I’m much better now, I wouldn’t say I’m at my best…part of that comes from my current living and job situation….which I’m hoping to improve.
I was thinking about this earlier…if I had the choice of having had all these experiences and emotions, but then ended up in my present situation and have no s/o or to be de.ad, I’d definitely go with the latter option. Unless it resulted in a better life, finding a person to share it with, that’s worth all the pain/suffering.
If in the end you wind up with nothing but misery, then living (for me) is utterly pointless and without worth and meaning.
I feel I’ve been much luckier than most men when it comes to dating, because I’ve had opportunities with girls that most guys could only dream about….at the same time, I rarely took advantage of those chances (like the example above) so it’s as if I never had them anyways.
And the worst part is, now that I’m in a better place, I’m smarter, have a steady income, etc, now I have no access to the types of girls I’ve had in the past…but also that I’m older and out of shape. I can’t win in this life, no matter what I do.
We’re all on our own journey, so whenever you feel comfortable to come out of your shell, you will and if you don’t, that’s fine too…we all have to work at our own level and do what makes us feel comfortable.
No need to persecute yourself for not doing this or that…or missing out on chances, like I have…because it achieves nothing. To be able to live a better life, we have to make our lives better.
If I won a million dollars back then (or even now), I know it would’ve solved a ton of problems for me and my confidence would’ve skyrocketed…but ofc I remained ‘average’ and miserable…all we can do is keep working at it till we’re in a better place in life. And if all else fails, so what? At least we tried….the option to leave this world is always there…if one is determined enough to do it.
For me it’s about finding some happiness in the time I have left…because life can also be fun and amazing. Plus we can do things to contribute to other people’s lives too.