I don’t know how I’m holding together at this point. As previously mentioned, I’m near as bleak as I’ve ever been. All signs point to that I should be flat on my back, unable to sit up. This entire thing, the work, the burnout, then this past week…… certainly no part of myself thought me strong enough to still be standing after all of this.
To be fair maybe I’m not, I haven’t been clear eyed sober in some time. Better days those where, when it was safe to trust anyone other than me. I don’t even trust me, it’s just I can set my watch on myself. I can expect what’s going to come out of me, because the results are the same.
Times like these a man meets who he really is, and stops pretending to be anyone else.
This is who I always was, under the bluff and bluster. All I wanted the whole time was a war worth fighting, and I got it. I got it to no end…… It’s really difficult to express or even understand sometimes, how it lights me up to be in these sorts of situations, where my back is against the wall and I have to be really clever. That most of the time I was just bored and feeling ignored.
It was better then though, to be bored. When I’m needed those are bad times. I’m only necessary when things go wrong. I’d rather be obsolete, written off….. but maybe that’s just a selfish wish. They say it’s futile to wish for peace and plenty. I get it anyway, one knows I never go hungry. The food just doesn’t taste good knowing others aren’t eating.
So I just smoke, I can always smoke.
That’s my hypothesis as to what keeps me upright, the smoking.
What a horrible time for treatment plan review to come around. So now, without a therapist, I come around to trying to hold it together alone for a bit. I owned up to my self harm, they weren’t fans of that, but what can they do? Obviously very little.
I hold only a slight grip on reality, and that’s the way I prefer it. Other poor sods, they have to live in this. I might plummet over the edge at any moment. Everyone is so sorry about it too, that’s what makes it so interesting that they didn’t stop it. They won’t stop it. I would, were I them, but I’m a person of action, when I have the influence I use it.
I guess that’s why I’m where I’m at. Choke the worth out of it, then on to the next oppertunity. There may not be any tomorrow, someday soon, and if all that matters is today, the most must be made of it.
Some things endure, I suppose I’m one of them. For what? Heck if I know. but you might be in the same boat yourself someday. Death might escape you every time you chase it same as it did me. It cracks me up how the death phobic run from death, for all the good it does them, while we chase it, for all the good it does us.
We’re all going to get there, in our own time. Whenever that is.
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I’m sorry you feel worn out. I guess you’re right about a man meets who he really is during these times. If it’s any consolation, I don’t mind the man that wrote this post. He doesn’t seem half bad. At least when he was helping other poor bastard out on this site like he always does.
Trying to find purpose and stuff is hard. But you know that. It’ a good thin you’d stop it if you could. Someone going over the edge. It shows you at least give a shit. Hope things get better. And yeah it’s pretty hilarious how we chase different things than everyone else.
I’ve come to the point where I am figuring out who to give some of my most expensive possessions too before I die. I recognize that i”m one step closer to the commitment of death’s sweet embrace. The tricky part is getting people to take these things without them being in my will or raising any red flags. But one person in particular was a last minute addition to my list of people who deserve something nice. I realize the process of parting with one’s possessions is a clear sign that i’m nearing my goal. But it’s time to be done with this. I am parsing off my gaming collection. Not for money, but for preservation. It should go to people that cared at the work that was put into it. That’s where i’m at.
i am sorry life threw us curve balls at every turn. Here’s to hoping the game is almost over.
“I don’t know how I’m holding together at this point.”
Well, not that my little opinion is worth anything, but I’ve always thought you were more able to “pull yourself up” than some of us here. That even though you struggled with things like getting a job, you did it. I mean yes, this job ended up to be a shitty job, but at the time, you pulled through and did it- faced many rejections, many interviews, many things that lead nowhere. You persevered.
This is a shit job and eventually you ought to look for another job. But, the new job will likely also be shit bc the way our economy is the past decade, very few have the luxury of having a “good” job or a job they like anymore.
But you’ll figure it out and do what you need to. You seem intelligent and capable, and you’ll do what needs to be done. At least on the outside- for money, for job, etc.
On the inside, all of us here are broken. But you seem more capable than you feel. Certainly more capable than me. Not that my opinion means diddly squat. But yeah, you’ll leave the job when you’re fed up enough and find another. But the soul, yeah idk. We are all kinda fucked in that area.
Yeah, it’s pressure that I wouldn’t put on anyone, being capable and intelligent…. But these things happen. I took a real shot at not being that, and I screwed that up. This part leaked through. It would be so nice to be simple.
I really appreciate the boost. For so long I’ve felt shame about not living up to my potential, and it’s only been a few years of actually going for it. What I really can’t stand is wasted material, and thats what I was turning into.
Which is why I see the world the way I do, and the people on this site as I do. Broken, sure, but none in such a way as can’t be reversed….. it feels like my relative stability means I should be trying to help others, or if not help at least understand the problem.
I guess that’s the frustration at the end of the day, that I don’t understand the problem. There need to be a series of corrective actions put into place to fix the specific problem I see, and I don’t have the education to describe it. If you can’t describe something you can’t deal with it.
An egoist approach would say it is excessively complex, it MUST be if it confounds me but that is not so. It merely has to be constructed in a way that evades my understanding of the world.
I do have a set of corrective actions, to that point, but not the confidence to try and sell them. Confounded as I am, there are some definite problems I’d remove first if I could. Right to work state, gone. That law that makes people on public healthcare only go to doctors in state even if it is life saving, that’ll be done thanks. Teachers regain the right to strike without losing their teachers licences. Unionize the entire public workforce.
*sigh* I could be a perfectly fine despot if anyone gave me a chance, but I’ll just be over here reading my horror novels.
“For so long I’ve felt shame about not living up to my potential,”
–Have you watched the movie Gattaca? Describes the co-main character who had all the potential but didn’t want any of it, and the one that didn’t have the potential fought like hell to achieve anything and everything.
“For so long I’ve felt shame about not living up to my potential, and it’s only been a few years of actually going for it. What I really can’t stand is wasted material, and thats what I was turning into.”
–That’s sadly me as well. Why I’m so depressed is bc I *COULD* be doing SO much more with my life, but I’m not. Every day is wasted. The past 16 years has been wasted, due to being sick so legit excuse but wasted nonetheless. I mean, I suppose I could have pushed myself harder, made different choices. Battled my health and chronic fatigue better? idk. I lost that battle for 16 fookin years. I ought to jump like a fire on my butt to make up for lost time- I know that’s what i *OUGHT* to do, but it’s not easy battled fucking chronic fatigue- and depression- which in turn causes me to be even MORE depressed and non-moving with my life.
So what do I do? I NEED to get my motivation, my OOMPH back. When you lose your motivation, it’s hard to even just get up and shower let alone fight like hell to achieve SOMETHING meaningful.
“Broken, sure, but none in such a way as can’t be reversed…..”
Yes, we COULD all potentially fix our lives, but…realistically, most of us won’t, and wind up depressed and fucked up for life. Only a few make it out. That’s sadly the statistic- bc we who are depressed or sick or poor or all 3- whatever our issues- we need HELP. Like real help not the bullshit “help” that they claim we have (drs, hospitals, meds, therapists, etc). IF we were all to get the RIGHT HELP that we NEED, all of us here could be “fixed,” or at least not so damn broken. We’d at least be functional. I know I COULD still be happy if my life was fixed. But I need help. Financial, physical, and emotional help. Need $$$, which is security, need my health fixed, need friends- a caring person who listens and understands and motivates- without pointing the finger of blame on me. THAT is incredibly hard to find- a friend first of all- but also a friend who understands and listens and helps but does not point the blame finger and judge and demean/shame us for our depression and not being able to do things.
COULD we all get better? Sure. But realistically, most of us here will continue to be broken, for decades. Most here will have some ups and downs, some good and bad. But at the core broken. And depressed. That’s just realism. A few here will get better and do ok. But the majority of us will rot. That is the reality of the depressed sacks of potatoes that we are. -_-
“I guess that’s the frustration at the end of the day, that I don’t understand the problem.”
What do you mean you don’t understand the problem? Firstly, what IS the exact problem you mean?