Might Have Fucked Up

So I called my mom to tell her I’m going to flunk. She asked what was next and if I need to stay another semester, but I told her 2 was enough. That I’d go ahead and come home and find work. Was crying but tried my best to sound grounded. Same spiel, keep going forward, once you work you’ll be fine yada yada. Then I let out a little more than I should have. Told her 25 was very long. She wanted me to elaborate. I said 25 years is pretty long. She kept pressing me and I just said I think I’ve seen enough. She asked me to explain, and I think I tried but couldn’t really do it. I’ve never been able to talk to my parents. Ever since I was a teenager, I’ve avoided talking to them about all this life purpose not good enough to exist stuff. Just never was able to see my point of view. They didn’t need to agree with it, but at least not think it was bullshit. I think at one point I tried to make the analogy of it’s ok to leave the theater if you’re watching a bad movie. I don’t really think that helped. So I might have fucked myself. They are on to me. I think they think that my suicidal thoughts only come and go when I’m really stressed. They have no clue that it’s on loop in my brain 24/7. So I might have tipped my hand about killing myself before my birthday. Funnily enough when asked why I didn’t want to try for an extra semester, I told them I set a time limit of 2 years. They said that was fair. They didn’t know I also meant that I set the time limit for my own life. They think one is fair and one is crazy. Funny how that works.