It’s not okay.

I’m 18, and some days I do not know why I am alive. I have considered death when I’ve been at my weakest. I’ve wanted to go to the beach drunk & walk out into the water as far as I could go and just let go of everything. Let the waves take me away. I’ve wanted to overdose on my Zoloft. And when I really can’t handle anything I take a lighter to my left arm and burn myself. my arm is scarred up now. I HAD a boyfriend from April to this Sunday. We’ve been on and off for the last three months. I am in love with him, God knows I wish I had never gotten involved. I would worry myself sick about him out drinking and driving and getting high it’s not my problem though, I can’t save him from himself. I’ve endured being called every name under the sun, been told I’ve cheated when I haven’t, I’ve been faithful when he’s cheated on me the whole fucking time. He’s thrown me against the wall told me he was gonna kill me, told me to kill myself, he’s stuck a gun to my chest a knife up to my neck. I clean, cook, take care of him, groom him, give him money when he needs it, I do his laundry and I fuck him whenever where ever. He has it so made and he doesn’t even realize it, he’s taken me for granted time and time again. I told him if he kept pushing one day I would say fuck it and be done that day has finally come. I’m happy…. or so I’m trying to be. Right now I feel like screaming and getting drunk. I miss him so fucking much and it’s only been three days of no contact.