Thinking

The thought of death sometimes gives me this warm tingly feeling inside. The thought of never having to worry about my life, or about what I am going to do with my life gives me a high. I look at knives and I cant help but pick one up…….I run my finger over the blade to feel how sharp it is, As I do that I think what would happen to my family? my friends? my boyfriend? Would I be selfish for leaving this world and leaving them behind? The pain of knowing how much it would hurt others is more painful than actually being here. I still have so much to do still. I still want to get married, have children, and make something of myself. I think about what my wedding dress would look like, how my boyfriend would look, if our unborn baby would have his thick hair and my eyes. I have these good thoughts in my head I feel my hand lowering the knife back into its droor. I walk away and remember that this is the only life I have and will ever have. I walk away and get into bed, I look at the walls with pictures of my family and friends I smile a little inside and I reach into my nightstand and take my antidepressant, I close my eyes and go to sleep and hope tomorrow I wont get such a good feeling when I think about death. I want this life and I decided to stay and make the most of it. I take my medicine as im told and after sometime I know I will feel better. I didnt promise myself to stay…….I promised my mom