I don’t know why I’m even bothering, but what the hell. I’m still here. Still not in the pokey, either, though I suspect I’m running out of time.
I think I’m sticking around just to piss people off. I’m probably just chickenshit.
It dawned on me this morning that if I was someone else looking at my life and my situation, I’d be telling me to fight hell and high water. Even if I lose, I’d still get to take down a few assholes with me. My brother deserves to be in jail for rape. My narcissistic sister needs a serious dose of reality to shatter her  mask. Why have I kept my mouth shut? Dad’s been dead for years, so there’s no need to protect him from knowing about this shit. He’s not gonna rise from the grave and go kill anybody.
I don’t know where to even start, though. Worse, I don’t know if my motives for wanting to speak up now are good or not. Yeah, I know, that’s ridiculous, right? Here I am, ready to blow my brains out or face prison for a mistake, and I’m questioning whether my heart’s in the right place. But I don’t want to be a selfish bastard, either. I’ve never been good at being selfish, lol. Probably 80% of the reason I’m in this mess….
Meh. Screw it.
Anyway, in my moment of clarity this morning, I realized that I would tell myself that if I can’t have justice, I can at least get revenge.
2 comments
Speaking out and getting justice isnt being selfish its what you deserve!!
🙂 I appreciate the thought, exhausted. I’m still fighting a lifetime of conditioning, though. When you grow up in a household dominated by narcissists, you learn very early and very well that speaking up just makes things worse.