I am 23 years old. Â I am a new to this forum. Â The reason I joined is because I feel relentlessly hopeless like all of you. Â I feel I no longer have an escape. Â I have burned all my previous ties with my family and friends, and I have not had a social life in over 2 years. In fact, I do not even leave the house anymore. Â I am alone, in debt, and miserably empty.
In High school I had an extremely fruitful social life.  At the age of 18 I was slowly covered by a blanket of  torturous anxiety. The anxiety is strictly social.  At first it started as a simple performance anxiety affecting my core talents, which I felt defined me as a person.  After some time, consistently failing at the things I valued the most, I began to find it nearly impossible to be around other people. I felt like any minor mistake in my speech, or perhaps an awkward face might make them feel unwelcome.  The fear has grown out of control. I cannot speak to anyone, and every time I try it results in the momentous build of pain that only results in a loss of words.
I have stopped taking care of myself.  I have no money and no one to run to.  I am trying to find work, but every interview I attend the supervisor finds me unfit for one reason or another. I can not do it much longer. The most painful part of it all is people think I am retarded.  I will be at the store and cashiers will almost yell at me in the check out line as if I am “special” like how an ignorant person confronts a foreigner. I can see people make eye contact and quickly look away, and it is not as if I am bringing this on myself.  I do not have wild tattoos or pink hair.
The point I am trying to bring this to is that I legitimately want to die.  I want my life to be over.  I have no hopeful prospects, and as a man there is no charitable organization that would help me get psychiatric help.  I have massive loans, and a part time warehouse job.  Suicide seems to be the most logical choice.
4 comments
Hey anthropophobia.
I’m 20, from Australia. I saw your post and for some reason or another was compelled to reply. The main reason is because I want you to know that wherever you are, there’s a complete stranger who cares about you.
I wish I could hold you and tell you it would be alright, that things will get better. I don’t know that – no one does. But I guess what made me want to go on was that I wanted to find out if it does.. and remember what happy really feels like.
I hope things get better for you.
brighteyes. xx
Why don’t you just assume that it is they who are retarded and yell at them in the same way. You can’t expect people to hold your hand and be understanding because the world is not that way. Sure, people on suicide sites can do that but that’s easy over the Internet. How many would run up to a homeless guy or ugly person in the street and try to be their friend instead. I’m not very compassionate because I tell the truth that people don’t like to here. Not good for somebody new. I mean, am I commenting because I care or because I want to express an opinion. Does it matter.
Look, you have to help yourself. There are ways to deal with anxiety. Medication definitely helps but you have to find the right one. Doctors can’t take a look inside and see what’s wrong so it takes time. As soon as you start to feel more confident then look for a full time job. As soon as you start earning more the debt problem will begin to resolve itself. When you address these fundamental problems the rest will follow. You will find it much easier to make friends with like minded people by putting yourself out there and enrolling in classes.
There is no short term solution. You can do it, but it’s not going to happen overnight. We are talking months and years, not weeks before you get to where you need to be. You can’t change every characteristic you find unappealing and will ultimately need to set yourself a realistic target otherwise it could quickly develop into a psychological disorder preceding you from becoming content.
Take immediate action and don’t despair that you don’t see any results immediately or later encounter a set back.
Preventing not preceding
No short term and help yourself indeed. Right on, Duke.