i’m sick of living.

um,i don’t know how to start this,i’ve never talked about my suicidal thoughts to anyone,ever,but i felt like you people can at least understand cause you’ve had it bad too. well,let’s start with family eh? my family,my father is a ***** who left me and my brothers with our mother for 10 years and now he wants me to get back with him. me and my brothers tried to forgive him for all that he’ve done through out all these years but he wouldn’t let us. it’s like he wants us to hate him but go with him,and leave my mother alone. i’m the one who had it worst,i remember every time he hit my mother and how it felt like being a 3 year old girl watching my parents fighting. it hurts. i tried making it better by standing up for my mother when he came back to our lives but i couldn’t cause it would threaten me,he could take me away by law. i would leave my family forever. my mother. my brothers. my cousins. it hurt me so bad. i fought with him on the phone for everyday,this needs a whole other draft, anyways now let’s go to my mother. i love her so much,she had done so much for me and my brothers to keep us safe,but i can’t live like this. she doesn’t make me feel like we’re friends,i can’t enjoy my time with her,she thinks i hate her but i really love her. i try so hard to make our relationship grow better but she pushes me away and expects me to keep trying. my brothers make me feel unwanted,i feel like i’m the reason for everything bad that happens. so does my mother. they all make me feel guilty,guilty cause i was born. my friends,they make me laugh but they never wanna listen to me. i listen to them all the time,understand them,comfort them,but when i’m in my darkest hours i find no one by my side. and if i find a friend i feel like i’m annoying them when i talk to them. and i can’t tell anyone about my family problems because than they’ll feel pity for me more then they actually do now. i’m just tired of listening to everyone and trying to make them feel better about themselves and making them feel stronger when i’m the weakest. i’m the one who needs to cry and let it all out,who needs someone to talk to,who will understand. i started cutting a year ago and stopped cause my cousin saw me,so i promised her i wouldn’t cut again. and now,after a year of holding the urge,i started cutting again,and now i’m fighting the urge to cut again. i feel suicidal all the time and no one even notices. i think how the world would be without me,and i promise it would be a much better place. everyone would have a better life then they already do without me. being dead is beautiful to me and to everyone else. sure,some will cry and some will forget as fast as lightning,but they’re all gonna move on,and by the time they move on they’ll realize their lives just got 100x times better without me. i feel like a mistake,a disgrace,a guilty child. i’m just 13 and i’m hurting so bad. don’t tell me i shouldn’t think like this because i already do. life has done so much bad things to me. and right now i’m having a fight with one of my dearest friends. i don’t know what to do or where to go,i wanna escape. telling me i’m beautiful won’t help,telling me to hold on won’t help either to be honest. because everyone else says that and i don’t see the point of doing it anymore. you all say it gets better but it never does,i’m sick of holding on and living in this terrible life. i can’t feel better. i can’t be fixed. i don’t know what to say more,i have a lot more to say but i just can’t put it into words. i’m sorry for bothering you. you don’t have to read this. thank you.