Just a rant, and maybe some relief

I some times come to this site and read the articles on here. Sometimes to get ideas and others because it makes me feel less alone, but no matter how much I read it, I just feel useless. Why am I sad, why can’t I be happy, why can’t I want something, why do I have no motivation, no drive, no love for anything? Why can’t I try to be the person I want to be? Why can’t I end it? I just want it all to end and disappear I wish I was never born then I won’t be a burden on anyone, I wish I could erase my existence. For these 30 years of my life, I”ve amounted to nothing. I went back to school but nothing sticks, it just disappears, it’s all pointless. The only reason I’m still going is because I promised my mother I’d let her see me walk and I hate it, I didn’t do it when I got my associate because I didn’t fell like I deserved it and even now I don’t feel I deserve it. I’m stupid less than stupid, why can’t I remember? Why am I so useless?

Why do I feel all of this? I didn’t suffer in life, I had a roof over my head, food, water, parents who sort of loved me. I have a sister, who I connect to, well not really, if I tell her something she’ll just tell my mom. I learned that earlier in life when I used to keep a diary. Maybe more than a rant these are my last words. No one I know will see them, well I don’t really know many people anyways. The only friends I have, if you can even call them that are my family, and some online ones. I’ve gone to the same school for over 3 years and I haven’t made a single friend. I’m good at putting on a front in class but when I leave the classroom it disappears. Maybe my dog will miss me. Anyways, I’m 31 years old, I’ll graduate in May of next year, and a week or a month later I’ll take my life. It will be no loss to this world, and yes I’ve tried drugs and they didn’t help, I’ve got some counseling at the school but discontinued after the previous summer break, it didn’t feel right going back. I can’t really afford it anywhere else and since I’m suffering from social anxiety with depression as well group therapy wont work. I stopped taking my pills last month because I go through periods where I can’t afford it, and have to occasionally reapply for county medical, but I feel wrong doing it, when there are others with real problems who need it. Either way, after not taking it for a couple weeks I decided to go cold turkey. Did I ask my doctor? No. I’m pretty sure she sees me as a pain, and I don’t have a therapist, no money. Going on and off the pills hurt just as bad as being off of them, so meh.

I know this is long, but you don’t have to read it. I just need to write it somewhere. Anyways, I’m off my pills and don’t plan on going back, they work so well I made the mistake of telling my mom about my depression ( I still live with my parents by the way, and have no job), and telling her other things and got the same spiel about god saving me and him. It’s unfortunate but I don’t believe in the mythical man in the sky, well not hers, the way I see it , if God cared about me, he wouldn’t make me feel miserable. Or he’s punishing me for something I’ve done in a past life or something, either way he’s no help. My moms also a fan of the belief that I take too many pills and that my high blood pressure pills are the ones fixing my problems not the others, and even though I told her my problem it’s like she totally ignores it. I have to reassure her I”m not blaming her for something, and walk a tight line as usual. It was a mistake telling her anything and I regret it, I thinks she hates me now, or hates me more. I try so hard to be everything for everyone and it’s ripping me apart, and when I stop trying I just get blamed for things and yelled at. I make concessions for everyone else, work around everyone else’s schedule, do things for everyone else, because yes I can’t support myself right now, but even when I was young it was like that. I just can’t take it anymore, they act like I do nothing ,when I fix everything in this house, do her taxes, call the bills for her, make arrangements, sign papers, fix everything electrical they tend to break, but I do nothing. Sorry side note.

I’m off my pills, yes I’ve called a suicide hotline before, and I got put on hold, as demeaning as can get. I’m 350 pounds because I eat my way to happiness, and when I try to lose, I just get criticism, looks and stairs. I’m majoring in marine biology and everyone around me is thin, and beautiful, and smart, and I know I’ll never get a job in that field. It makes me miserable to go to class, I’m always the one falling behind, or who can’t engage in their conversation. I know they think, I don’t belong. I think it too. Either way, I’ve decided to grant my moms final wish, then a week later I’ll end it. With the last of my school money, I’ll rent a room, build an exit bag, use the months worth of pills I’ll save up and take my life. I figure if I mix my blood pressure pills, celexa, wellbutrin, allergy pills and some over the counter pain meds in a sludge, making sure to do it in a way to prevent a gag reflex, It should work. Oh, I’ll also leave a note for the person that finds me, to apologise for leaving something unsightly behind, and maybe a tip if I have it. I hope I can get the courage, I don’t know what’s after, but I hope I just become nothing. I don’t want anything after, just nothing, and I know my family will get over it, and they’ll be able to save some money and have more freedom than dealing with me. Either way, I just want it to end.