Now I know every one who has ever killed himself or herself never had a good reason to do so (according to others). Still they do….. and will go on taking their own life, rejecting this wonderful gift given by God. Maybe to some this gift is not at all a gift. I don’t see it as a gift. For me life had always been a burden. Humanity is not like a Jane Austin book. It is at most times stark ugly and cruel. There are no happy endings in life just some good stuff followed by a lot of  bad stuff, then a good episode and then again the revelation that we are just kidding ourselves if we think that there is love, happiness, satisfaction, or even an eventual eutopia . I have lived enough. I felt this way when I was 23, I feel this way today. I don’t see the point of it at all. Earn more, spend more. Go here, go there. Do this creative thing…. meet that exciting person. After a while….. now what? Search for some meaning…… ya but there is no meaning! I have lived, seen enough if not all and am now at peace. It doesn’t matter anymore what all is out there. Why should I have to drag my life if i don’t want to? Everyone would rather have me live than to recognize the fact that I am done. I have had my fill. It is not a random outburst. I am not all emotional when I say this. I live out of some obligation to the society and my parents. They gave me life…. if I commit suicide, my father would be left alone. Alone to deal with grief, nosy people poking him asking him again and again what atrocity led me to take my own life. He will not have anything to live for. I love him and wouldn’t want him to suffer because of anything I do. Is that enough to keep on living….. because I don’t want to hurt anyone by dying? If I died naturally everyone would understand, my father will finally make his peace with it. Why the stigma on suicide? I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. I want to go where even thought ceases  to exist. I just want it to be over!
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I love him and wouldn’t want him to suffer because of anything I do. Is that enough to keep on living….. because I don’t want to hurt anyone by dying?
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I ask myself this every time I turn on the car in the garage. No one is in my life – if I ended this agony – it is to escape the hell in which I live.
In my case I have reached for help – I have tried to talk to those I would leave behind. What I realized is they do not ACTIVELY hear or listen to what I am saying. They deny, rage, scream and tell me my truth is shit. They impose their OWN truth on me and force feed me disgust for how I feel.
My shrink told me to wait until my kids were over 18 if I wanted to end it. She said leaving them the legacy of suicide during the formative yrs is not fair to them.
They are mid 20s and wont speak to me because of divorce. They were my everything. Their dad turned them against me – took all money and showers them with an expensive house with his new **** wife.
The kids dont want to see me except when my side of the family (which they now rejected after the divorce) tells them to have a heart.
I have missed milestones in their lives. I miss them.
If I am so horrible and they dont care I see it is now time to do what I wanted long before they were 18. I followed the shrinks advice.
I was depressed because my ex was a narcissistic control freak and his family despised me. They made my life hell.
I got out and he took my kids to punish me.
I understand what you are saying and while I dont know you – I sure as hell understand your question. I wish I had the answer for YOU. For me I have decided it is not enough to hang on because my family THINKS they care. But I have not seen them in yrs – they visit ohne another but dont want to be near the fuck up.
I have what my sister terms a LITTER of siblings. None of them grew up with me because they are older. They have told me they dont feel connected to me because I grew up outside of their age.
So they all visit. They all play this sick game of fake caring.
They are all fucking sick and it has made me give up.
I have lost two people to suicide in 2 yrs. I never was angry at them though I do miss them. I know I will see them again soon. Anything to alleviate living this hell of another christmas staring at the lights and watching people care about everyone else on the planet.
I hope you find the answers and I am not encrouaging you to give up. But I find your question is one I have grappled with for longer than I can bear.
When my daughter last came here to scream at me and run over my foot with her fucking car – I decided this holding on to hope and love is a lie.
So for as long as I can tolerate standing in this shitpile – I want to talk to others who hurt. At least I know I exist and not dead just yet.
i appreciate that you told your story. There are people who hear you and I am one of them. Though I cant fix it for you — I hear what you are saying and believe what you say is how you truly feel. I wish I could fix it. I hope you hold on and find peace.
meant to say they all visit one another – never me
KeepBreathing4Now sometimes people have to stop pretending. You have done that and have borne the brunt. This is what I am scared of…. being known as the fuck up! But who doesn’t mess up in their life. They just don’t admit it don’t talk about it. They are just not sensitive enough to feel the full force of things. I will wait till my father finds his second wife… he is on lookout. Once I know he is happy I will be free to end it all. Till then I have bear this cross. No one actually loves anyone in this world. The only bond that is pure love is of a mother and daughter. Your daughter broke yours. It is hard for me to comprehend. Your husband must have really screwed up with your kids’ heads. They will repent one day for sure once the realize that you did what was best for you at the time and also by extension for them. Thanks for kind words and the fact that you understand means a lot.