I was physically abused by my brother until I was 16 and left home. I admitted it to my parents, with whom I have always been very close with 3 years ago.
They claim to believe me. The claim to back me up. But after my last suicide attempt, after 3 days in 4 points in the ICU, when sent to the psych ward..they promised me certain things.
You see I uprooted my entire life on the West Coast to move back to the Midwest and help care for my sick father. He’s very young, only 65. But has a host of degenerative diseases. I went from Urban living with friends and a life, tho I was still suicidal to living in a rural area with no friends or life. I gave everything up to help them. Like I have since I was a child. I have quit jobs so that I could fly home and take care of both my parents for months after surgeries etc. My brother won’t even step foot in the hospital, or offer to come and mow their lawn, or do anything tho he lives less than an hour away and does absolutely nothing with his time.
So in the psych ward I made my parents promise me I would no longer be forced to leave the house, with nowhere to go, on Xmess day. Simply so a child who DOES NOT want to come and visit anyway, and it is just one of 3 “I feel like I must’ visits per year. They agreed, I would not be turned out of the house. I should not have to sit in a parking lot waiting for my phone to ring saying he had gone. (Also, I actually pay them rent, as they have very little so I have basic renter’s rights here)
They know he still threatens me as he does it in front of them. He raises his hand towards me and calls me every name you can call a person. But every year, even tho we made this ‘pact’ there is still much friction and strife over what day he will come up for Xmess and where I will go and on and on. Every year there is a huge fight.
I just got done with this years fight. It is the only fight I have with them. I am told over and over that I am making things up, that my feelings are not valid, that they shouldn’t be punished because I don’t “want” to see him. My physical abuse is belittled with comments such as “It happened 20 years ago, stop talking about it”
So again I was belittled, blamed for causing strife, told I was stirring the pot. Again my Mom flipped out and screamed at the top of her lungs for me to pack my shit and leave, get out, all we do is worry about YOU and YOUR MENTAL STATUS.
As if I do not contribute every single day. As if I do not look over my Dad all day, do the housework, do the heavy lifting, be their friend, be the best daughter one could ask for, PAY RENT. And help when problems arise, last month I bought a new stove as they had no funds to do so, and that took my meager savings down by 1/3.
I am constantly doing as asked. I take the meds for my ‘problems’ even tho they cause serious adverse side effects. I go see the shrink. I PHYSICALLY STOP MYSELF FROM MAKING MY ATTEMPT. Because they tell me I would ruin THEIR lives, and that I am selfish, and how could I do that to THEM?
My mental anguish isn’t thought about, my physical illness overlooked. It’s all a huge guilt trip that I can’t kill myself because they would suffer.
I’m tired of my suffering. I’m tired of acting as if the meds work. I’m tired of paying shrink bills and now Dr bills due to the serious adverse side effect of the meds. I’m tired of being mentally and physically ill. I’m tired of being told to pack my bags and leave. I’m tired of being told I am being dramatic for not wanting to be around my abuser. He’s beaten my Mom up too, but oh, he’s sick. He won’t get help. So they just have to love him and accept it. I DO NOT. I WILL NOT. I AM DONE.
My brain malfunctions. My 1st attempt was at age 4 with orange baby aspirin. Who does that? I have endured a harrowing existence, I have put myself in a pattern of abuse to mimic what my brother has always done to me, trying to THIS TIME, make that man love me and covet me and protect me as my older brother should have. My life is a series of horrendous incidents that most people would never see in 3 lifetimes.
I have been victim of men, of myself, of nature. I have survived 2 house fires, 4 tornadoes, Katrina, various other hurricanes, earthquakes, floods, you name it. I have  lost everything I owned over and over and made myself start from scratch.
I CANNOT DO IT ANY LONGER.
How many botched attempts must I make until I get it right? To date more than 20. All I have to show is HUGE medical debt. I want a real way to end this, no more ‘sure fires’ that end in rescue and resuscitation. I go away from home, I write suicide notes, I sharpie all over my body NO CODE/DNR. Yet always some hotel clerk is suspicious enough, or someone spots my car I have tried very hard to hide, or the method simply doesn’t work.
I have read of the ******** and helium methods, but am unsure if I could figure it out honestly. All the technical aspects of how much weight per liter and such makes my head spin in confusion.
So now I sit alone in my room, cast away as the troublemaker at Xmess, screamed at to leave. But my Dad already took all the car keys and most likely is sitting on them. I cannot leave. I am miles from a real roadway, I am in the middle of nowhere.
My xanax won’t kill me, I’ve tried that many times with huge doses. Doesn’t work. All the aspirin is hidden. I have a full bottle of belladonna tablets, 120. I have read they will cause vomiting so obviously they won’t work. I don’t have a gun nor trust them, I had a friend botch that and he is now in a new, fresh hell every day.
I am not allowed to be dead and quiet. I am given a guilt trip. And every Xmess told to to get the fuck out. I want this to be over, I have nothing I desire to do, or see, or experience. I want only a dirt nap. I am an atheist and have no fear of the after life. I realize that living is the real hell, and I am solidly entrenched in the blaze of hell fire every day I keep breathing.
I need help. I need a simple solution, a non botched end. Does anyone have that information??
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