Well, i thought it was time to introduce myself. I’m a girl, sixteen years and I’m from The Netherlands (Please don’t mind my spelling and grammar) . My nickname (Engeltje) is Dutch and it means (Little) Angel. I live in the area of Amsterdam (I guess most of you know Amsterdam :P) . I live with my parents and an older sister. So that’s the general part and now a part that goes about my life. Okay, I’ll try to keep it short, so I will only tell the most important things.
I don’t know how it goes in the USA, but in The Netherlands you go to elementary school by the age of 4. You will stay there till your twelfth. The whole schooltime on the elementary school was like a hell for me. I was bullied by my whole class, 28 against 1. They scolded at me, ignored me, said stupid things like “you are really fat and ugly” while i was just skinny compared to others. Afther school they were waiting for me, to beat me up or to follow me till my home. The teachers did nothing, even if I showed them my bruises they still didn’t believed me. At home I felt like I couldn’t talk about it. My parents knew it, but they didn’t knew it was that bad. Because my father is bipolair I felt like I may not talk about problems and feelings, so I didn’t. In that time I felt very lonely. After elementary school, I had to go to secondary school. I was kind of smart, so I went to the highest class at school (we call it Gymnasium, and no, not the place where you can sport). But the whole story started again. They bullied me, locked me out, gossiped behind my back, and so on. Again I was disappointed, in myself and in other people, like a good friend of me. In the second class I decided to take a step back and I stopped follow Greek and Latin classes, which means I went a class lower (VWO). I stayed in the same class. Also the third year. I had to go to another school, where I would do my fourth year, again a lower class (HAVO). Finally everything seemed to be good. I had friends, weren’t bullied much, had a boyfriend and so on. But just when I thought my life came together, I realized it was all going to fell apart. From that moment on, it goes downhill. I felt lonely, sad and lot of anger. On 21 january 2012 I started cutting. First time I made a small scar on my hand, I lied to my friends and boyfriend about it. Second time followed (on my wrist) and also third, fourth and so on. One day I told my boyfriend about it, he was very shocked. A few weeks later my friends. In march it went wrong, I started to use a stanley knife instead of scissors. My boyfriend took me to the Social Worker. She said that my problems were too big to solve in ten sessions, so I had to go to an institution for Mental Health. My boyfriend pushed me to tell my parents about cutting, that was in april. I skipped school more often and my therapy at the Mental Health institution started in may. I had therapy with a psychologist once a week and with a psychiatrist once a month. School went bad, and my notes turned from 8 to 4. I broke up with my boyfriend after 8 months because of the misunderstanding and my mental health. Summer vacation started and therapy didn’t worked. The only thing I did in the vacation was sleeping and watching TV. After vacation school started and 5th year began. I only went once a week to school for only four hours. The institution for Mental Health decided that the therapy didn’t worked enough. On 5 november 2012 I started with a more intensifieded therapy. In a group of maximum 9 people, 5 days a week from 9 am till 3 pm. I quitted school. Now, more than two months further it only went worse and worse compared to june or july. I still cut, and research has shown that I probably have a depression (and slso suicide thoughts) since I was twelve and that I have ADD and anxiety.
This was my story and now I realize that it’s longer than I thought. I hope you guys don’t mind.
2 comments
I know what its like to go through things like that at such a young age, I started having depression in grade 7 so I was 11 or 12. I would cut myself, cry myself to sleep, and so on. It was hard and in all honesty its only gotten harder now that I’m 21 feels things are harder then ever but there is hope. One thing well two things I been doing to kind of make myself feel better is art, I paint out my frustrations same with drawing and then on top of it I teach a drawing class for little kids on the side type of thing at a community center and honestly it makes me feel better. I may of never or will ever meet you but all I can say is your strong and beauitful inside and probably out jsut keep on trying, things will get easier eventually.
Luck.Hope, thank you for your reply. When people say things like this, I feel me a little bit less lonely. 🙂 I would love to do something I love, but because of physical disabilities (injuries and diseases) I’m not able to do the thing I love and really works for me: running. I also like to dance, but I’m limited through those disabilities.
Besides: never say never 😉 If you really want something, you will succeed one day. You never know, maybe we will meet someday, miracles exist.