Today sucks, I completely freaked out today and I was very angry. Angry on myself, on the world, on my sister, on my parents, on the stupid weather, on everything. But mostly on myself. Directly after or actually during my angerexplosion I went to my room, jumped into my bed and started to hit myself. On my wrists, my chest and my shin. After that I still were angry, so I decided I needed more pain. Grabbed my knife and started cutting. After a while I had stopped and my mother walked into my room. She asked some things and I had to cry… After lots of tears I told her that I can’t take this anymore (or clearer: that I want to commit suicide, but that is rude to say in The Netherlands). Also she had to cry and I felt really guilty. I know she’s worried about me, but she just have to let me go my own way. I hope she sleeps well tonight…
Little poem written by myself:
What if there’s only one way out?
One way to feel better,
one way to love myself.
What if it’s the only option left?
The only option to feel better,
the only option to love myself.
But wouldn’t it be selfish to commit suicide?
6 comments
I’ve been in this same situation. Only my parents had to find out the hard way, by my school called then that I’m not allowed on school grounds until I was professionally checked out by a mental health doctor.
It may seem like there’s only one option, but if you read the many surviving suicide stories, these people find that treatment helps, and they were terrified that they had went as far as to try it. I hope everything gets better, because there will be lots of rough patches. It’s not considered weakness to ask for help.
@ Domino, I have treatment and maybe that’s the problem. I have been to a mental health institution in may, where I first got just 1 talk with a psychotherapist a week and once a month with a psychiatrist. But that didn’t work (it was cognitive therapy), so they decided to sent me to the part-time therapy (same organisation). Since 5 november I have part-time therapy 5 days a week, each day from 9 am till 3 pm. I have all kinds of therapy on a day. But also that don’t work for me… And since may it only gets worse and worse and also since I went to part-time therapy. They also don’t want to give me any medications, because they think I might change from depressed to manice and I will get bipolar. They think that because my father is bipolar. I’ve been walking eith problems for about 12 years now (I’m 16) and I’ve got lots of different therapies and all didn’t seem to work.
For me therapy isn’t really an option any more.
I hear ya, I’m 15.
I won’t suggesting to fake happy, because honestly, I’m on the verge of breaking myself. Try to get medicines. It does not hurt to try them. But the so many therapy sessions, I think it’s too much. Maybe you just need to find your own ways of relaxing?
I could tell my mama but she already thinks I’m crazy… No use.
Hé Engeltje,
I have read all your posts and found it terrible to hear that no one takes you seriously.
Telling your mother that you have suicidal thoughts isn’t rude but brave. you have a some struggles with your life and you are free to speak and share it,especially with your parents. i hope they have open there eyes.
Im also from the Netherlands and have similar experiences.. intimidation, therapy without any results, quitted my school and be misunderstood. in a earlier post you where asking for help because of your bad situation so has it been improved since u told your mother about your condition u are in? are there people who are listen? do you still feel wretched?
Greets from Hoofddorp.
@ Boot777, thank you for your reply. I really thought I was the only one from The Netherlands here XD but I’m not 🙂 I hope telling my parents and the therapists that I’m getting worse will help, but I’m not sure. Tuesday I have a talk with my parents and my mentor from therapy about the last 7 weeks and what to do next. I really hope they will understand me better now, but we will see that tuesday. It hasn’t been improved since I told my mom. I also feel guilty about it because she is really worried now and sleeps very bad 🙁 I still feel me very miserable. The only people that listen are all the people here… I really feel understoodment here, really like that. Boot777, do you know Roelofarendsveen? I live there, it’s not far away from Hoofddorp 😉 I hope someday we will meet…..
Greets from Roelofarendsveen