I’m a 17 (almost 18) year old girl and this is my brain’s rant session.
I’m extremely distant from reality pretty much all day, my life seems so pointless and corrupted that I create these fantasies about people, usually guys, I wish I could affect, but actually am just obsolete to.
After seeing the film Girl, Interrupted, I had a kind of wake up call that I was almost identical to Susana Kaysen who had Boderline Personality Disorder, it made me feel like I could define myself finally instead of being this pathetic outcast. I took a test for this on the internet and it confirmed that I definately have this personality defect, but my family thinks I’m overreacting, they never listen to me properly.
I think about death a lot, I’ve tried to self harm and think about suicide but I’m so cowardly, I’m a strong atheist and I’ve realised that I dont want to die, I just want to feel alive and accepted instead of this kind of numb living death. I’ve been depressed the majority of my teens, more so now as my mum died cruelly from cancer almost two years ago, which haunts me everyday and I have very angry outbursts towards my friends at school, just because they’re often insensitive about my grief, like on the one year anniversary of my mum’s death, I turned to a friend for comfort, and she told me to not think about it, just because it was too awkward and intense for her, people say “if you need to talk, I’m here” but thats bullshit no-one actually cares until you do something dramatic, like suicide, which my thoughts keep circling back to.
I haven’t had a boyfriend since my mum died, it was easier for me to isolate myself from everyone, because the pain was so intense, my friends have disapproved that I’ve had one night stands, but commitment makes me feel trapped and frightened and no-one judges when a man has casual sex, women are permanently watched and seen as these godesses of perfection in the media, flaws and variety make people interesting.
I see no future for myself, I just kind of drift and I’ve inherited all of my mums bad qualities, she was depressed too, except her looks, she was beautiful and I’m grateful to resemble her, but I feel like I’m so socially lacking, people who know me, see this ugly, useless personality, what good is it being attractive if that’s all you are? My one talent is art, thats how I express my inappropiate deep emotions, it’s kind of like therapy to me, but I just wish I could connect with people and “fit in” like a normal person.
4 comments
I cannot even tell you how similar we are. I just turned 18 and i feel like I am just beginning to realize that everyone is only here for themselves. And if I am not happy, I should do something about it, since nobody else will. My friend recently committed suicide in March. At first I was so hurt that she couldn’t talk to me about the way she was feeling, but then I realized that I feel that I have nobody to talk to too. I wish I had her bravery, because I am so unhappy I feel that I am already dead. I too am thankful enough to be quite attractive, yet nobody wants to commit to me. I would love for someone to want to be with me, but I think I am just too depressing to be around quite honestly. Art is the only way I still exist, it is the only thing that cares about me. I know this is not nearly as deep and heartfelt as your writing. I just thought Id let you know basically that you are not alone, and that you should use art as a coping method every chance you get. Good luck.
Hi there,
I feel for you. Even if you are right and you suffer from Borderline personality disorder BPD – that does not mean it can not get better. And at age of 18 your personality still develops a little. Do not expect major leaps in that, but definitely there is the space to grow.
So taken you are right about the diagnosis of personality disorder – the insight is not the cure itself, but it is vital for progressing. You write in clear lines – clear thoughts – even about stuff that is messy. I see potential there. I repeat insight is not the cure itself and can be painful, but it can bring correction. We “inherit” lot of stuff – be it for good or bad, and basics of personality too, so it is not your blame or fault – well, that are the cards to play with – you can give up anytime later – but it is worth to give it a try.
As I understand BPD the central issue here is that people usually have som core ideas and feelings about who they are, what they feel, what they want or what are “their” basic values. Even when they are not nice persons, or are wrong in their self image – they experience it as pretty stable and can “rely” on it – they learn to live with it. In BPD the core can drift considerably – so one has to be much more flexible and at the same time much more disciplined to stand it.
To have good therapist is here vital. Friends can not do that, they are for other things, to say it so. I strongly advise to search for the therapist and be ready for the long way.
Wish you strong will, good feelings and success!
Hugo
i just want to say that im kinda like you, but im in like the earlier stages and that something that is helping me is music.
After 3 years, I hope that you got better, that your life is going good, and that now you feel free and happy. I am sorry I didn’t read this one before, but yet I am happy that you passed it! 🙂