the warm fuzzy feeling i had last week didn’t last too long. the feeling that maybe life isn’t such a bad thing and maybe there was hope for the future. my talent for self sabotage rears its head again. it is a talent rooted in self protection. always waiting for the other shoe to drop. no good deed goes unpunished so to speak. if i feel good about myself and life karma always seems to find a way to kick me in the ass. i tell you god is one twisted mofo. but as i am constantly reminded i am still here. can’t be all bad-i haven’t killed myself yet. touche. i am currently finding more subversive ways to destroy myself. i have become a wanna be anorexic. i am simply not hungry. but more than that i don’t want to eat. that little voice tells me not to. i am losing weight at a nice pace and no one will notice for awhile as i have been a fat girl for quite some time. the other act of self sabotage is my increased use of intoxicating substances. legal or otherwise. it is a temporary escape . i do it at home alone so as to not draw attention. it doesn’t interfere with my ability to work or conduct myself in public. yet-i hear every counselor online say. i don’t know when my self hatred developed exactly(childhood obviously) but i have fine tuned it to a point where it is not obvious to any outside person. but yet firmly ingrained into my personality. i have always believed that i would die by my own hand. that has always been an option for me. sometimes it is a comforting thought. whether it is overt or covert remains to be seen. i guess i will know when the time is right. in previous times there was always a push , some event that clarified my position. as i age those clarion events will only increase in magnitude and frequency. so yes doc i do have a death wish. i have always felt myself insignificant. spent countless hours trying to make myself “invisible”. mentally erasing myself from peoples lives. i don’t believe myself worthy of love or life for that matter. a mantra that has served to “toughen” me up so to speak. if anyone has ever seen the play “death of a salesman” the salesman dies a lonely, gray, insignificant man. that play always spoke to me . the futility of his life in ways mirroring my own. well i guess that is enough amateur philosophy for one day. while my posts don’t express the drama the others do, know that i have been there in spades many times over the course of 42 years. i am still here. i don’t know why or for how long. something has to give.