I finally started talking to my counselor because I need help. Biggest mistake ever. She told me if I was going to commit suicide she had to tell my parents. She lied. I told her I think about it a lot. Now I sleep on my parents floor like a dog. Everyone talks to me like I’m about to die. I really messed up. I don’t think anyone would ever understand how much I care for my family. They are all I have even if that’s not much they made mistakes but I don’t like to stress them out or make them cry. I wish life was simple and fun. Not dull and hurtful. I have a boyfriend. He has problems also it’s kinda a lot to deal with mine and his problems. I wish he would listen… I can’t help but resist when someone try’s to touch me I trying to get comfortable with it but I don’t let anyone hug me or even hold my hand. I can’t tell him that I was raped I don’t trust anyone. I hit rock bottom running out of options. I post stuff here hoping I’m not alone and let everything out. That’s not enough. Cutting is beginning to not work like it use to I have to keep going deeper I will have scars for the rest of my life. I don’t think I’m gonna last very long. I hope one day I will love myself, but that will take a bunch of change. I see fat and other people see bones.. I’m sick and tired of this.
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3 comments
They have the posters on their walls, urging everyone to “fight the astigma” of depression. Maybe they mean it sincerely, but there’s also a line in the sand. We are urged to tell others if/when we have thoughts about self harm, so we fess up.
That’s when they put us away, because (to them) clearly we are batsh!t cRaZy. It’s in the rules, it makes for great small talk at the watercooler, and there might be a promotion in it. Our economy gets stimulated while we’re in there, to the tune of 3-7 thou$and each day. So the monkey gets fed and everyone’s happy.
Far beyond this scenario this lesson applies: that others each have sets of motivations that are often 1.) surprising to the client/patient/citizen/customer, and 2.) seem to be nearly the opposite of what was advertised. I think it’s important to give them a try. Worst case, we get put away for a week or a month. I’ve been there, it’s not too bad.
My point is that there’s a chance that maybe they can help each of us. It’s natural to try their advice. But it’s natural to tire of the apparent deception and Jekyll-Hyde dichotomy of their standard operating procedure. It makes sense to recoil when we know that we’ve been deliberately marginalized. These responses seem appropriate in their cause and effect to me; but then again, they say I’m crazy.
Your counselor probably thought that was the best action to take, but maybe it’s good to try it her way. I don’t know how to make things well and I’m more sure it will get even harder, but every little step you take will help.
Your counsellor is a jerk. You took a chance to trust a “professional” with your issues and they ratted you out. No wonder your having a tough time of it.
Hugs…….that’s all I can do.