Someone please read, give me any advice you can. I am in desperate need of it.

This is going to be long, I apologize in advance. I guess I can start by saying I am a 16 year old girl, although I hardly resemble a girl, and very depressed. I have been depressed for almost 2 years. I self harm, but cutting usually, I’ll pull my hair in the extremely emotionally painful moments, or I’ll pinch my arms. Its been a year since I have posted here, but I’m in need of some type of empathy. My family on a scale from 1-10, is a good strong 7.5, we have our fights, but i generally thing we all do love one and other. My dad almost died of alcoholism 5 years ago, he has always been the most important person in my life, I cannot live without him, he quit drinking, but recently he has started up again, which has made me so scared and nervous inside. I’ve tried talking to him, explaining to him why I need him to stop, he refuses. I can’t control him, and I think hes even more tired of life than I am. He is a very angry man, but he doesn’t mean half of the things he says when he is angry, and that’s one trait of his I wish I didn’t have. In school boys pay no attention to me, and until I hit high school I really didn’t care. Seeing all those couples though, made me start to crave and want all of that. Since about 7th grade I had found my escape from my world in an online world. Basically a site where you go and meet strangers, teens usually. I made more real friends here then i ever did in real life. I met a guy on that game, who changed my whole view about life and love. We began texting and eventually I felt no need to even go online. I just needed him. I was deep in love, with this beautiful boy, and he wanted me, despite my weight, face, and million flaws. We were very happy, and in my eyes very in love for exactly 6 months until something horrible happened. His story is that his mother died. Til this day I don’t know if i really believe him, or if it was just an easy way to get rid of me. 3 days after our 6 month “anniversary” I lost all contact with him. He didn’t call, text, or anything. He had abandoned me just like that. I had no warning, or no idea why. It was so sudden and out of no where. When this happened my depression got a million times worse than it had ever been before. We had talked about marriage and children, and living together, I never thought I would lose the boy who I spent every waking minute talking to. But I did. For the next 6 months I returned to my game  in need of the friends I had made and their comforting love for me. The only friends I really trusted. They tried there very best to help me but the pain never went away. I would send him a text every single day. For 6 months, usually I would send them in my break-down moments. Where I would be locked in the bathroom crying, holding my mouth shut in fear of someone hearing me. The pain never got any easier. Months came and went, and I still had all my love for this boy. I don’t recall being able to go more than 2 days without crying. I had finally given up, because a new boy, from online of course, had been giving me a different type of attention, one that made me feel whole again. 2 weeks after I had stopped my daily texts to this boy, he texted me, with a long story about how he had gotten arrested and had no way of contacting me. I was in total shock, There I was thinking I was moving on, FINALLY, with this new boy, and he comes back into my life. I didn’t know what to do. I told the new boy, whose name was Tyler, what had happened. He couldn’t believe it either. I couldn’t leave tyler though. Not after sitting with me through all my pain and sorrow, he was the one who helped me get through it all? How could I just leave him now, for the boy who hurt me, not even sure if i believed his story. I stayed with Tyler, telling the other boy that I couldn’t do it. He claimed he still loved me, but in all honesty, all I had wanted was closure. I was ok with letting him go again. Within a few days he abandoned me again. We had agreed to be friends, but I guess he couldn’t handle it, or didn’t feel like wasting his time on me again. Whatever the reason was, he was gone, but this time I was OK. A few months passed and I was becoming very happy with Tyler, feeling love again was very good for me, and I had quit that game slowly but surely, and no longer needed it. One day after a bit of detective work on my part, I found out that beautiful blue eyed “Tyler” was a girl. I had spent the last months texting and calling a girl, who simply acted like a boy. When I found this out I just broke completely. This was the last thing I would have ever expected. I told her, she was crazy and a list of other things that I don’t think need to be mentioned, and that I never wanted to speak to her again. She understood and respected my decision. Within a few days, I calmed down and texted her, I mainly just wanted to know why? Why would she take the time to put me back together to just break me again. Her replies were that she just wanted friends, but it escalated, her gay friend had introduced her to this game, and told her to “dress as a boy”. Her being just a 6th grader at the time, did as she was told, but had continued to do this until I caught her, when she was 16. For 5 years she had been a boy online, and I was the one to catch her. I agreed I would be her friend, it was hard for me not to talk to someone I had been so close with, regardless if they were a boy or a girl. Time passed, and we eventually fell for each other, I had never in my life had feelings for a girl before her. I had fallen deep in love with my best friend, and this time I knew it was so real. We skyped, texted, called, every moment we had the chance. She had never been with a girl either. It was odd to think we would only go gay for each other. We were doing fantastic for months and months, we had our arguments but what couple doesn’t. She likes to drink, smoke weed, and after my experiences with my dad, it bothers me very much, but we both agreed to compromise. I do drink and smoke but very very occasionally. She will probably do it every weekend. About 2 weeks ago, I got very very drunk. We were on the phone together as always, and I began to be sort of rude to her. Telling her to “Shut the fu*k up”; is the one I remember doing most. Normally, I treat this girl like my princess, always calling her by cute pet-names, telling her how beautiful I think she is, telling her how amazing and perfect she is. Because she really is in my eyes. I love her so dearly. Eventually she got fed up with me that night and went to bed, thinking back on it now, sober, I would have done the same, if she was being drunkenly rude to me too, for no reason, but I was very drunk. Out of anger for her ignoring my phone calls I sent her a very long, strongly worded, mean text message telling her basically that I gave up on her, and how I am never enough, and I can’t make her happy. I told her to find a guy to make her happy, basically 5 pages of bullshit. In the morning when she had woken up she tried to call me, and I wasn’t in the best place to answer a call from my girlfriend. In the living room with my dad and sister, who don’t know I’m madly in love with a girl. So i rejected the call and texted her that I couldn’t talk. Honestly I wasn’t in the mood to fight on the phone, so she texted me saying she was done with me basically, telling me I don’t know the half of how she feels about me, and that it’d be the last time she would ever cry over me again. When she said that all of my anger melted and I tried to call her, I was panicked. She told me to just leave her alone, she she didn’t want to talk to me. A few days later I worked things out with her, like we always do. For the next week she acted very strange, she was not excited to talk to me, didn’t miss the short times where we couldn’t talk, she didn’t seem the least bit interested in me anymore. I broke down and told her that it was killing me to feel so unwanted by her. Her response was that she had lost all her feelings for me. That they had simply gone away, and that she cannot get them back. She broke up with me, I just about begged her, crying on the phone to her, not to do it, but she did. I’m so lost without her. I’m so broken, I just want her back. I love her with all my heart, and I know i treat her very well, I just turn into a dick when I drink. I need advice, we talk, but not nearly as much, and she told me over and over she only wants to be friends and no more, and that she cant help that they’re gone. I feel depressed again, I have no motivation for anything, and I have no one to talk to about this because I cant tell them I’m hurt over a girl. I just wish I could go back to that night and not even drink, I lost her over something so unnecessary, it wasn’t like we had been unhappy for a long time, we had actually been doing a lot better at not arguing, we had been getting closer, i felt myself becoming so happy and in love. I just don’t know what to do. Please help me. I am terrified to go through my deep depression again. I’ve been cutting almost daily. I cry every time I’m alone. I do believe she is the love of my life. We spent hours talking about our future. She said nothing would make her leave me. How can I get my girl back?