My name is John and I and 19. I have no real friends to speak of, I’ve lost interesting in the only thing that has been really keeping me going and I’ve been wishing the past few years for something to happen that would get me killed. I can’t commit suicide because my mind and body physically won’t allow me to do so. I don’t know when exactly I started feeling the way i did, but the feeling has only grown stronger over the years especially in the last few months.
I have no job, no drivers license because i can’t afford the insurance, no friends that bother to check up on me or care how I’m doing and no reason to go out anymore. I don’t think I’ve ever really had anyone ask me if i wanted to go do something ever. I have no one to talk with about my life, my real problem or anything. I used to be more faithful in God, but the past month I’ve just been losing it more and more. I’m nearing the end of my rope and i know the impact of death will be relatively unnoticed at this point.
I don’t know why I’m bothering to write this. I don’t think anything anyone can say will do anything for me.
8 comments
Hey there John..I’m Ryan. I hear you loud and clear about what your saying with people not being there for you. It’s like you walk the earth alone, I get that. And having a failing faith in god.
My view point of this whole situation is this.. Im not religious but I do have faith in a higher power. I believe that god designs us in a way that only fits us individually, no one else can know what makes you hurt, happy, or what helps you survive. We all need something different.
When we just focus on what life isn’t giving us, it can be really hard to see what life gives us. If your friends don’t want to check on you then maybe you should take action to make new friends or learn to live without them, like I have. When life or god won’t just hand you friends then maybe it’s better to just be a singular individual. It’s really up to you how you want to live your life. There’s always some one who needs a friend.
And when god leaves us stranded on the road to happiness or success, you gotta take it as a sign. You have to do something about it, you can’t just do nothing. Or you’ll stay stranded. God wants you to have faith and find your own way at the same time. You know, the “help yourself” approach.
My problem with making friends is i have a really annoying social anxiety that makes it really hard for me to open up around anyone. I really need to be around people at the same time though because i need the accompaniment of others. My emotions are very unstable and when I’m around others my emotions stabilize of what they give off themselves. I depend on others emotions to change mine to what is needed.
Then maybe that’s your real test.
So, are you saying that if you don’t have friends around you can’t shake off the anxiety?
What do they do for you when your closed off? What do they do to help you?
i am here, you have a purpose and some people just hit an all time low where they feel as if life is taking them on a downward spiral. things have to get worse before they get better sometimes and when you feel worthless its the hardest thing. you have a purpose and people do care about you.
make a list of things to live for, things you want to see and do ; similar to a bucket list and in that moment youll realize you still have so much living to do
i am here, you have a purpose and some people just hit an all time low where they feel as if life is taking them on a downward spiral. things have to get worse before they get better sometimes and when you feel worthless its the hardest thing. you have a purpose and people do care about you.
make a list of things to live for, things you want to see and do ; similar to a bucket list and in that moment youll realize you still have so much living to do
Looking back on your comment I see what you mean. My advise is this…
John..your shadowing the emotions of others, creating temporary valences to cope with social acceptance. Basically you rely on others to feel happy cuz you don’t know how to feel. It’s ok man..tons of people deal with this, even me.
My trick.. You need a hero that isn’t some one else. You need to be that hero in your life. Think of 5 of the strongest, smartest, most composed people you know, and really focus on what makes them some one you want to be. Incorporate the strongest parts of their persona and study well. Become your own hero, to give others some one to look up to. You need to become that person, I believe it’s the only way out. And maybe that is your real test that god has given you. Keep the faith!
The only “friend” i have right now is off at college over 3 hours away. I literally have no one to be around anymore.
Just checking back in on your post:
Sounds like you want to be hopeless..no? No one will be able to solve your problm but yourself John. It’s all on you buddy, if you want to be more and accomplish more in this life, you gotta fight for it. Take care.