this is the end

I have quite a few thoughts for you, and I’ll do my best to type them out for you coherently.

First of all, I think your reluctance to actually kill yourself – to cut your wrists – is fully explained in what you have written. Two things in particular strike me; first, that your suicidal thoughts aren’t fully developed – if you re-read your suicide story/idea, it has spelling mistakes and isn’t entirely explained; it lacks the emotion and the feelings of absolute despair and depression that leads to depression, and instead replaces that depth with dramatic behaviour. This is not a negative thing, it’s actually very good – it’s hopeful – but I’ll explain that more in a moment.

The second thing that I notice, is that you are able to describe amazing things – even if they are pained and deathly – and you’re also willing to take the time to write them out. That’s not easy. And so these two things bring me to a conclusion that gives an answer your question about why you don’t have the guts to kill yourself, and it’s this; you don’t fully understand the reason for why you want to kill yourself.

While you sound like you’re fixated on, or transfixed by, the image/idea of death – of the scarlet water – you, at the same time, don’t fully understand why you’re lost in the idea. The fact that you can’t/don’t describe why you want to kill yourself as well as you do the act of killing yourself makes me think, deep down, you know that it
would be too painful to try and rationalize.

From what you wrote, despite the errors, I can see someone who is deeply imaginative, and so you obviously are capable of writing out the exact reasons for why you would want to kill yourself, but you choose not to. Because you haven’t dont thing, because you haven’t truly, honestly, believably rationalized why you would kill yourself, you can’t bring yourself to actually do it.

As a recommendation, I think that you should try and perhaps do what a lot fo fantastically imaginative but troubled people have done, and that’s take your idea, your fantasy as it were, and write it into the troubles of a fictional, more flawed character. Write the story of someone who actually would be able to reasonably commit suicide. It’s not an easy thing to imagine when you take the time to create a character who has the depth of an actual human – you invest so much in them and that you can’t imagine taking away the life of this thing you’ve created and that will entirely cease to be without you. And if you are able to do this, if you do take the time, I think you’ll not only find a way to vent your anger, but also will come to realize that you’re a lot more important than you think, and that – with all the rationalizations for this fictional characters death – you couldn’t possibly, actually want to bleed out in a tub wearing a some tacky dress.

Anyway, long story short, I think you should keep your head up and focus all of your mind in a productive way – there’s clearly so much there! I wish you the best of luck and apologize for such a long note…

“Because you haven’t dont thing, because you haven’t truly” should be, “Because you haven’t done that, because you haven’t truly”