I’m not suicidal, just incredibly bored with life. I think that I’ve played too many video games, watched too many movies, cartoons throughout my life that I expect grand things out of reality. But as we all know, things are pretty mundane on planet Earth(save for wars and terrorist attacks; those are always good for a laugh).
Things are pretty sucky in my life right now. I’m living with an ex-girlfriend that my ego is still very much attached too. She’s an annoying **** but I enjoyed the sex, and like I said, she really knew how to stroke my ego and make me feel good about myself. I ended it because I’m a narcissist and don’t have the ability to be someone’s partner, so I figured that I’d spare her the heartache and end it before it got too too serious. Now she bangs other dudes and I have to listen to it(thin walls, vents amplify every sound). I’d move out but rent is super cheap and all I really care about is money.
My brother told me last night that he went for blood testing recently because he might have some sort of kidney disease or sickle cell anemia or something. I reacted poorly(as I usually do when I get news I don’t like) and berated him for not taking better care of himself as I’d been telling him to do for the last 3 years. I changed my tune quickly though and re-assured him that everything would be OK and that I really was looking out for his best interest(despite my emotional outburst). I was thinking about it this morning while I was at work and started crying a bit. For anyone that’s read my previous posts, you know that my brother is the only person that I genuinely love and would give my life for. He’s only 13, has a laundry list of allergies and other minor disorders, and now this. The kid never seems to get a break.
I’m getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth out in a couple days and I’m nervous about 1) being put to sleep and 2) not being able to smoke pot while I heal. I won’t be able to indulge in my one true love for at least a week, after never missing a day in the last 5 or 6 years. My appetite is pretty dependent on herb, and I rely on it to do away with the constant nagging digestive pains I get thanks to IBS. It’s my reset button, what I do to cleanse my spirit after a day of having to interact with mouth breathing humans.
But it’s not so bad. I’m bothered by all of these things, but for the most part I’m fine because I know that it all goes away eventually. We’ve all encountered overly religious people who talk about the end of days and thank God(or whoever) for every little occurrence. The types who get angry when you try to refute their beliefs with logic. They’re one with the holy spirit(or whichever godly entity) and nothing anyone says can change that feeling. Well I’m the exact opposite. I feel absolutely nothing. I feel so much nothing that I could turn it into a religion if I weren’t so apathetic.
I feel non-existence in my blood and bones; I know that there’s nothing and no one watching over me or anyone else on this planet. We’re free to do as we please and the only consequences are what other people will think or say or do. Other people’s thoughts are just electricity in some other idiots brain sponge. Sticks and stones hurt, but words don’t. And as long as you’re not being physically harmed by others’ reaction to your actions, why worry?
Why care about what mom and dad will think about your college choices? This is your life, your one chance to do things, and you choose to stress about the electrical firings in other people’s brains? Why care about a boyfriend/girlfriend that doesn’t want you anymore? Apart from there being plenty of fish in the sea, being alone and cultivating your ego is so much more rewarding in the long term than making kissy faces in a movie theater. Why not live your life in a drunken, drug filled stupor? There’s self destruction and then there’s controlled demolition. Controlled demolition is budgeting for your vices and making sure that the bills are paid before the narcotics are ingested. We all live to die so what does it matter to anyone else how you get there? As long as you’re happy, why worry about the means you used to make yourself feel good?
You’re lucky enough to be a human being with a fully developed brain, but more importantly you’re aware of your own mortality. You know you will die at some point, and yet you persist in letting others dictate the way you live your short life. Most creatures on this planet live like they’re in a dream, never questioning anything because they’re incapable. Human beings are lucid dreaming, everyday, every hour; we know the score(a good chunk of it at least) and don’t have to rely on primitive instincts to navigate through every day.
I’m just thinking out loud. A lot of people here have similar issues and I find the solution to most of their problems is to nut up and stop caring so much about other people. Life isn’t as serious as society would have you believe. You may feel limited/powerless at times in your life but ultimately, there is always an action that can be undertaken to change your circumstances; all you need is the courage to push forward and do it.
27 comments
Aww shit bro.. y did u let ur **** go? Is she still gonna give it to u when u need it?
I agree. Most of my worst decisions are because I took someone else’s advice rather than doing what I thought I should do. It took me way too long to learn this – not even a year ago. I’m still struggling to be my real self but my life is better than it had been. It’s pretty difficult because it seems like everything that I naturally want to do, my parents try to talk me out of and push me back to the average conventional lifestyle – which is 100% what I do NOT want. If I continue that lifestyle I absolutely will kill myself, because I hate it that much.
Well its not easy to always give up the other “person” when you still have to fight the **** in court, which is what I am now building a case to do.
Waiting this much has given me the chance to get info to use against her that I wouldnt have had otherwise.
There is no need to become a bitter, misanthropic, sociopathic ‘GET OFF MY LAWN’ type person, just don’t expect so much from other people and you’ll be fine. Everybody needs friends, lovers are great too if you find somebody who shares mutual affection. Don’t think that anyone is going to be your ‘saviour’ – if you have to change, only you can do this on your own. And if you take advantage of people, expect to be treated poorly in return. Utter selfishness breeds contempt, kindness inspires good will. (I hope.)
I dont buy that. Kindness doesnt always inspire good will.
I was more than kind to my wife, and her “good will” was to fuck every guy in town (and more).
I have learned I have to be an SOB to others once they lose my trust.
I give them the benefit of the doubt first.
You and your ex obviously had problems. If you both truly cared for each other, she would not have wanted to seek solace or thrills in the arms of others. I may be old-fashioned, but my belief is that if a relationship is working, each party will be more or less satisfied by the other, and if they are not, that they will talk openly and try to come to a compromise so that they are both putting in an equal effort. Nobody is perfect, no significant other will be perfect either, but if two people who care for one another can communicate and try to connect and work through issues, and keep in mind each other’s needs, everything should be fine.
I totally agree witht he communication part, which she wasn’t good at. Her communication consisted of other men on her Iphone. No, I am not perfect, but I can honestly say I treated her very well, with nothing out of the ordinary that I did which would have caused her to be as she was. She had it in her to be rebellious, it goes back to her childhood. I didn’t see the warning signs, nor thought she was serious at first when she told me she wanted a second guy in bed. I’m not the person who tolerates such filth. She was very abusive to me and my friends, and in fact I lost them all due to her, they all told me they could see it. She did what she did because she was just plain bad, and that included revealing how she only married me to get her foot in the US, and remained with me when I made good money, and when that ended, so did her “care”. She left for one reason….. she wants multiple men and the freedom to do so. The sources I have for my info are very reliable, reliable enough to be used in court, which is where it will go. I jsut married a true whore who didn’t love me for 17 years, openly boasted this, but of course I am the last to know. I mean, what kind of wife fucks half the town and can still come home as if nothing happened? I never cheated on her. She truly has mental issues, and as said before, believe she was actually possessed as well.
How did you meet her? (My apologies to the OP for going off topic.)
Just curious, what is her astrological star sign?
My effort……
I truly did all I coiuld, what any woman would want from a guy, and more. I gave her respect. love, never hit her, never abused her, always treated her well. Of course there were arguments like all couples have, but they never got out of hand, because in real life I don’t “go off” as you have seen me do here.
You know after I tried to end it, she told me to my face she was only at the hospital coz mum mom wanted to see me, and she can’t drive. I can list more, and if I did, it would make you sick, because it is sickening.
The one who cared was my friend who is married, yet even quit her job and came here to “take care of me”, because she knows what I am in real life.
So no, I do not consider all women whores, and respect women as a whole.
I met her online, back on mIRC chat (in the mid 90s).
She came here first, came for 2 weeks at a time. I then went to Brasil and saw her around Christmas (I believe it was in 1998). We got married in 1999, wedding in May in Brasil, then a second wedding here in the USA in October.
Yes I truly loved her.
She was born March 21, so I dont know what sign that is.
Mine is in May.
So no, I do not hate her, even though she continues to be evil to me.I have told her this, and I tell her I pray for her. It doesn’t mean anything to her because she doesn’t have morals even.
She truly had it all planned…..
I dont hate she is gone, as I know I can’t be with a woman who is that deceptive.
I am depressed coz I know I gave my all for 17+ years to something that was a total lie.
All the trips, everything we shared, everything,,,,, was a lie. That bothers me more than anything. I still will break down and cry in the middle of the day about it.
She hated my mom…..
Noone else has ever hated her.
My mom did nothing but good for her, made her meals to take to work, so she could sleep longer, did a lot for her, coz that is how she is.
Mom is 88, yet she would be mean with her too and made her cry and to the point where she would never even get in a car with her.
Truly, noone I know likes her.
She has pitted me against my friends, and her family against me, and I am at a loss at even defending myself to them coz they don’t even speak English.
Maybe one day I will have a true lady. Got friends now and the married woman who would even leave her husband for me, but I told her not to, as I am not selfish and do not want to see her husband suffer.
No, I’m not like that.
No, it wasn’t a lie. She cared for you at first, I am quite sure.
I think the problem here was that she was a free-spirit – she liked being independent, she liked adventure and imaginative endeavours. She didn’t like feeling as though she were being domineered or controlled. I think it might be in your nature to be a little possessive and controlling (it’s true for everyone I’ve encountered under your star sign). She wanted to experiment – it didn’t mean her regard for you was any less, but she wanted to spice things up. Since she wasn’t getting this excitement, and felt that you were being too jealous of her friends, she began to feel stifled. She wanted a divorce but stayed with you because she liked the house and area. When you lost the job she finally left.
So, she did care in the beginning, but at some point she probably began to distance herself because her needs were not being met – simply because the two of you did not have lasting compatibility. She felt trapped, so in order to ‘escape’ she sought out affairs. It probably didn’t make her any happier, so in the end it was for the best that she left. Sometimes relationships just stop working over time. She wasn’t evil, she was just a fun-loving, energetic, individualistic person – who wasn’t fond of convention, tradition, or routines.
I mean, I never met her, but that’s my take from what you’ve said about her (and her star sign).
Oh, and about your mom – well, some people just don’t get along. It happens. It’s not a new tale for in-laws to have animosity, either. Perhaps your ex felt your mom had too much of your time and attention, and that she made too many decisions for you, and it bothered your ex.
I agree with the post in the sense that you have to find your own way and can’t rely on what others want for you, but (i might be wrong) you make it sound like you should do whatever you please as long as you don’t damage yourself or others don’t damage you.
What about damaging others? at least you worry about your brother tho, but you sound like you don’t care much about anything but yourself, i don’t know how that can be good (and i can’t stress enough, i’m not attacking you or saying this in a bad way to piss you off). And if you do only care about yourself, i can see how life might seem boring to you.
@RFB: I agree with what you say up to certain point. The majority of people (at least i like to believe this) will repay kindness with kindness as well… but not all people are like that. Some only see kind people as a way to get what they want, even in working relationships (i had seen it more than living it, since i’m not really relationship material), good guys or girls being abused completely just because they choose to be kind and giving. Wish everyone where “old fashioned” as you say tho, the world certainly would be a better place haha.
@keief It’s true, sometimes people take advantage of others. If someone feels they are being used, I hope they have the good sense to ditch that person and look for someone who will truly care for them. If you know somebody doesn’t care, why hang on to them out of a fear of being alone? I’d much rather be alone than know I’m living a lie – there’s no way I can be fake.
The problem was that she didn’t honor commitment. I do and did. About her friends, I trusted her fully, never the type to make her call me, explain where she was or who she was with. She had total freedom, which she later used to cheat.
Once married, it is not OK to experiment.
As for caring in the beginning, not according to my source (who I can’t name public for legal reasons), as she had this all planned from day 1.
You said her needs werent met…… her needs were multiple men, and I dont go for that, never will, and I expect the same from my wife. To set up a dating site and meet strange men for sex, several at once, give me an STD (twice I can account for now), and even give herself oral ghonoreah on a regular basis is not normal.
Whatever she felt she lacked in our marriage, she wasn’t interested in talking about.
I know horrible details I won’t even post here. I just found out I am completely clean of all disease, so yes, God protected me with that too.
As for mom, she just plain hated her. Counselor said she had subconciously equated my mom with hers, and they used to fight in Brasil to the point where she moved out from there and into her grandparents place.
I just want a stable woman, one who will actually love, can love, not abusive, sincere, not a liar, not a cheater, one who isn’t capable of going to the extremes Fernanda has.
I don’t care about money. I would rather have a poor one that a rich one.
@RFB: I can think of several reasons for people to stick around even if they are being abused… love, fear of not finding someone else, or they might just be fooled by the person, i know some people that would rather live a lie instead of being alone too (and that one is someone really close to me)… but i do agree, as soon as you see that you are being taken for a fool you might as well run for your life and don’t look back, lol. You are right on the astrological signs too, i believed not many people took those seriously.
@MrBaDGuy: “I just want a stable woman, one who will actually love, can love, not abusive, sincere, not a liar, not a cheater, one who isn’t capable of going to the extremes Fernanda has.” <- you said it yourself, she was not that and probably wanted something completely different from life than you do… so you could say it was for the best
Well, did she start cheating from the start? Was she always out and about with other men? If she was sleeping with other guys from the time that you were first married, then I would say that yes, she was using you for the Green Card. If not, then she did care originally, but became bored over time. Like I said, she wanted excitement and to shake things up. If she decided to give up on your marriage at that point, while lying and cheating and pretending everything was fine, that was wrong. She should have told you she wasn’t happy and that she wanted a divorce, before she started looking for other people. Neither of you were happy, but maybe you wanted to hang on no matter what, thinking it would get better eventually, that she would “come to her senses”?
Unknown. I can’t place my finger on any episode (at first). I sat “at first” because it was some 7 years ago I caught her at it. It doesn’t mean she didn’t.
I believe she could have, and I say that because as said before, I have reliable info that she said she only married to come into the USA. My info also said she openly admitted she never truly loved me.
I believe things got a lot easier for her at the point the Iphones came out, when she got one, it opened up more “opportunities”, which she took advantage of. 7 years ago, I found her making self porn, sending out videos to men, including the one she had sex with.
She came crying to me when she “realized” what she had done, but this is where it gets complicated, because I truly believe and saw “possession” in her.
A good deal of what she has done is explained by an evil force she let in to herself. I encountered it, something “else”.
This is what allowed her to cheat and lie from then on, all with a straight face.
Only things she told me where “I can afford an apartment if I dont have to pay for your health insurance”, and other outright hurtful things.
Lack of caring when I was sick, etc.
Why did I stay?
Coz to me marriage is for life. I forgave her for cheating the first time, as it is the Christian thing to do, but it only got me where I am now, with 7 more years of well hidden lies and the truths I stated here.
I thought she had “come to her senses”. but it really is all about the money, as my source has also told me.
I had value until the money ran out.
Which confirms all else I know.
I was never loved by her.
She admitted that.
I’m sorry things didn’t work out. You both made mistakes, I’m sure, and she was too wild for your more conventional character, but I understand what it’s like to be lied to. I could never tolerate that again. Cheating to me means that the other person is not invested in you, and that they don’t care about hurting you. If you catch somebody lying and cheating once you thought you already had an established relationship…Break it off. They clearly don’t care. Why waste your time with someone who doesn’t want to commit, or who insists on playing mind-games, when you’ve already made clear how important they are to you. It’s much better to be alone in this case. I’ve dealt with manipulative liar types in the past and one never knows their true intentions. Was it all a game? Who knows.
I am glad she is gone. I am at peace knowing I don’t have to deal with that anymore. What has affected me is I am not coping well with the facts I have been presented, the extent of lies and the fact I actually caught a disease from her in the past. There can be no going back. I can and will only fight her now in court with the info I have. I feel she should get nothing in court, not after all I learned.
There is more I can say and details I can give if I was free to do so, but since this is now going to be used in court, I won’t on here.
I gave my all and more, as I would do with a woman I love and care for.
MrBaDGuy, I very impressed with you discussing this painful time of your life and not calling that Lady vulgar names. I am joining this discussion quite late, all of the above I read doesn’t sound like you are a bad guy. Just a guy that tried and then was let down hard.
I know what you mean, but try to rise above that as much as you can. You don’t have to continue harboring resentment – it won’t do you any good, and it won’t change what happened. Focus on the future now. Don’t bring out anger in court – you say you weren’t abusive, but if you seem angry, the judge is going to think that you were.
You’re free to do what you want with your life, you’re free to start over. Put her behind you, don’t think about her, don’t talk about her (here or elsewhere), and you will begin to heal. You may have to discuss her with your lawyer, but try not to mention her outside of legal settings. You understandably feel betrayed, but she doesn’t care, and no matter how angry you get, it will never change her thoughts. You can only go forward, and create a new identity for yourself, free of all attachment to that woman.
I know you speak the truth. You are quite smart.
Thanks for caring.
No problem. I hope everything will work out well for you in the future.
All I care about at this point is she get nothing, coz she deceives nothing.
There is much better out there. I don’t ask for much, just want a woman with the qualities I discussed in the other post.