have you ever noticed that we suffer only when we know that “We” are suffering. you wanna own suffering, just like you wanna own anything else. oh this feeling of existing, of being alive is great, so tempting that one is ready to give his life for it. oh the lust of life! in me these two desires keep fighting simultaneously – to get into life (and thus suffer) and to get out of it. i have no reason to choose the former one, not a single reason, and yet somehow that lust is so much that i give in to it. i know a way to keep everybody including myself happy, but it requires me to, kind of, give away myself, my selfishness, my lust, and all my “evils” and my choice – choice that i know is fake and illusory but i still wanna make it. this will, you know, to fight, to hate, to revenge, to take in insults, to suffer,.. is so.. lustful. and yet when i Am in this life i try to be gentleman and follow my reason and be prudent. In this i want that; In that i want this. kind of like Tao symbol. there is a.. sleepiness in this lust. like i give away my responsibility and now am a slave of my mind’s tendencies. it certainly feels good to be a slave when you are not responsible for any of your action. one can peacefully suffer in it. but then these are all my views when i am not in it. if i remain in it for prolonged it, i will start genuinely suffering, and will no longer be able to know or recall that i am passively suffering compared to other state. that’s paradoxical.
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Hi,
You seem to be having an existential crisis. I went/still going through a similar thought process. It’s been like this for almost 15 years. But I am yet to find the answers. The only peace I finding all this suffering we call ‘life’ is that it will eventually come to an end. There is some comfort in that. Wether we like it or not, we are all heading towards that ultimate end.
Hahaha so much truth here! I feel the same thing. One minute I am mad at myself, thinking that I need to get more into life! I should have a job I care about! I should have more friends! I don’t even have a FB page because I don’t talk to anyone! I should want to get married! I should want money so I can buy better things.
Then in the next second I feel the exact opposite. I should want none of that! That is all the worthless stuff that society tells you makes up a “life”. Who made that decision? Maybe real life is how it was done generations ago. None of this technology nonsense. Maybe living out in nature alone is a real life. Maybe I shouldn’t want love or success.
You are so right. There is freedom in being a slave. You are free from having to make decisions! This is why it is easier to just suffer. Let the mind be unhappy. Let it do what it wants. I do not have the energy to control it.
It’s funny, thinking of these things just brought back something I started to realize months and months ago, before I let myself go back to sleep and stopped looking for truth. Back then I really started to notice so often how truth is the opposite of what the world tells us it will be. Like that idea above, slavery is freedom. That’s what reminded me. The world tells you freedom is freedom and slavery is slavery. But in some ways, no. Freedom is slavery to yourself! You have to wake up every day and do the hard work to be free and to figure out which path you want to be on. Slavery to your ego grants you certain freedom. You don’t have to choose what to do, just sit around and suffer about whatever your mind chooses to think about.
I’m trying to remember all the other things I started to realize were really backwards like that. It is so strange, it’s really like that part of my brain has shut off. I’ve commented before that I am like you because I too think I was closer to the truth and on a better path, somewhere in my past. This must have been one of those times. I kept experiencing those moments that Zen buddhism talks about where all you can do is laugh when you realize how silly something is. But I’m trying to remember what these things were and it’s like I can’t access them right now. Like trying to remember an old dream.
I just remember that as I kept finding these backwards ideas, I would get an image of two arrows spinning in opposite directions, kind of like how a Refresh button will look on certain web browsers. I kept find things where what the world (society) tells you is on the top is really on the bottom, and what is on the bottom is really at the top. You talking about how being a slave allows you to escape responsibility reminded me of these funny things in life. So much of it is backwards.
I wonder what happened to that person I used to be and if I’ll ever get back there.