tonight is my last night. i’ve already said goodbye and I’m sorry to my mom. but she refuses to accept it. i told her to make sure my note is read by all the people it concerns. she’s in disbelief. my father doesn’t allow me to be upset.
i can’t live with him. it will only be arguing and fighting forever. nothing will get better. and i can’t live without him.
I’m going to see my grandparents one last time tomorrow.
im in the middle of drafting my note. i want to make sure i say everything i need to say.
I’ve tried everything. there is no reasoning with him. there is no way he will accept that he needs help.i can’t live the rest of my life either fighting with him, or not with him knowing he’s out there not seeing me for who i am.
i gave it all. i have nothing left.
I’ve given it my best shot now.
tomorrow night, i am no more.
please remember me with the spark i once had.
the girl who liked to talk to people, who loved to sing, who loved playing piano, who loved anything and everything art and music related, who loved pugs, who loved her family even though i had a terrible upbringing, who loved chocolate, and glee, and making people happy, and doing her nails, and sushi, and steak, and wings, and all sweets, and west side story, and other things like these that used to make her and the people she was around happy.
but most of all the boy who once made her the happiest she had ever been.
nothing makes me happy anymore.
its all meaningless fighting with him or without him.
goodbye everyone and good luck.
i hope things fare out for you better than they did for me.
5 comments
No don’t give up
I’ve been where you’re at, not specifically of course, but in the sense that nothing is worth it and you’d feel better if you were dead
Well you’re right
It would feel better
But where would you spend eternity?
Also think about your friends, your family, you mentioned your grandparents, you said you want to go see them
And it’s a natural parent thing to be in disbelief and frustration, same thing with my dad
So just go stay with a family member for a little bit and seek counseling or religion, anything to keep you alive
Because God gave you your life, think about that, it’s not your life to take away, it would be his, if he wants you to live, you’ll live, but if you kill yourself, that’s not him taking away your life it’s you. please dont commit to this
How old are you msquared?
Kinda doubt you’ll read this but I hope you’ll try.
Why are you so willing to flush away that girl who you so lovingly described in your post over some stupid guy? She sounds pretty great. I’m surprised you’re even able to say so many nice things about yourself because usually people who have become so toxically addicted to a bad relationship have lost all sense of self and identity. Usually in a case like yours you devote so much of your life to this losing battle that you simply become “the girl who thinks can’t live without this one guy” and that totally erases and drowns out “the girl who liked to talk to people, loved to sing” etc. Over time your identity and personality become nothing but this poisonous desire to have something that life is apparently telling you isn’t going to work.
How much of the last few years have you devoted to nurturing this girl who likes to talk and sing and play piano compared to the energy you have invested in refusing to let this relationship die. If you’re honest I think you’ll admit that you’ve become nothing but the struggle for this relationship and that’s it. The girl who finds joy in all those other tings hasn’t been allowed to come out and enjoy life for a long time. It’s almost a glimmer of hope that you were able to sit down and write all those detailed things about yourself, proving that you haven’t totally lost track of your own identity, unfortunately this one little glimmer is within the context of a post that says you are finally preparing to kill yourself.
“there is no way he will accept that he needs help.” That sentence stuck out to me because I wonder if you have an understanding that you are just as guilty of that same thing. Assuming you are still talking about the very same person that you have been talking about on SP for a very long time now, this has been going on forever. Your vision becomes a bit distorted when you can sit there and say you’re annoyed that he will not accept that he needs help, while ignoring that fact that you might need it more than him. There is no reason to become so poisonously addicted to another silly human being that you are wanting to end your life just because you can’t force a relationship to work with this person. It’s just so sad, in all the posts you’ve written about this I can see your willingness to try to push a massive boulder uphill at the risk of crushing yourself, all in the name of love, all in the name of this person who you wish would see you and appreciate you. The sad part is that there are thousands of guys out there who would kill to have a girlfriend who would invest a fraction of that much energy into actually wanting to be together and work on the relationship as a team instead of just giving up. Hell, I myself wish I could have ever found someone like that, instead of the girlfriends I’ve had who decided that I was a piece of garbage worth walking away from at the first sign of a disagreement. You have so much value and you could create something so wonderful if you weren’t so afraid of what happens to your life and your identity if you decide to leave this rotten person behind and wait until some day you can meet someone who is going to want to be with you just as badly as you want to be with them. You are so determined that you must create this relationship work-of-art with this partner who doesn’t want to work at it with you. You could create much more beauty with much less of a struggle if you would just go seek out someone who actually wants to be with you rather than suicidally insisting that it either has to be with this person or nobody. You’re not going to win the 3 legged race of life in a relationship where the other person refuses to run with you. You’ll just kill yourself trying to drag them along.
As frustrated as you are with this person, I have been equally frustrated with reading your posts about this situation for so long. Not frustrated as in mad at you, frustrated in a sad way, that you just absolutely refuse to live your life without this person.
Everyone deals with heartbreak. Whether you believe it or not I am just as much of a hopeless romantic as you appear. I still spend a lot of time miserable over people who have left my life years and years ago. When relationships weren’t working out I would write pages and pages of letters trying to convince people to care enough to stay with me and work things out. The only difference in my situation is that these people flat out decided that they didn’t want me around anymore and I had no right to continue bothering them. For some reason it sounds like this guy continues to allow you to keep fighting for him. Nothing makes you have to accept that a relationship is over faster than when someone blocks you in every way they can and says they’ll have to get a restraining order if you keep trying. It’s pathetic but I’ve been there before. You would benefit from this guy telling you to get lost and to stop trying or else he’ll call the police, but it sounds like he is happy to keep letting this play out for months and months.
I am the weakest person in the world when it comes to accepting that something is over and moving on. I sit here and think about people I miss just about every day, I still have dreams/nightmares about a relationship that ended over 2 years ago now. If my pathetic ass can find a way to keep going, so could you. But you’re afraid of the hardest part just like I always was. The hardest part is the beginning, actually letting it go, feeling a sensation that feels like your heart is pouring out blood all over your feet for the next few days or week, feeling the total agony of waking up in the morning and remembering that this person is out of your life now. But it’s a unique situation in that the worst is at the beginning and it gets easier. The first part of the mountain that you have to climb is so tall that you can’t even look over and see the rest of it. You can’t see that if you just deal with the first part, it starts to go downhill and gets a lot easier. It’s like there’s a 100 foot wall you have to climb first, and the only thing on the other side of it is a pretty easy path that you have to keep walking until you start to feel better, but you can’t see over the wall yet, so you’re deciding that you’re going to kill yourself at the base of the wall and never realize that there is life on the other side of it. I’m on the other side of the wall trying to tell you that it’s not so bad over here and that you can make it over if you try, but you’re not hearing.
It just seems like such a contradiction, if this guy is so crappy, so unwilling to fix the issues you have in your relationship, then how does it make any sense that he’s the most amazing guy in the world that you have to kill yourself over if you can’t be with him. Wouldn’t it make more sense to want to die over losing a guy who DOES love you and DOES want to work with you every day to make a great relationship? Why are you mourning the potential loss of someone who stopped being your teammate so long ago? I guess I’ve been out of love long enough to ask these questions that are based in logic, but I shouldn’t be a hypocrite, I know what it’s like to feel so insanely in love with someone even if they treat you bad, while friends and family keep trying to tell you that you’d be better off alone. I don’t know how I finally dealt with it. Like I said above, I guess ultimately it wasn’t my choice. I let people go when they finally had to tell me I’d end up in jail if I didn’t.
I really hope you will reconsider. Someone cares about you. I didn’t sit here and right all of this because I’m bored. I did it because I can relate to you because I have held on to things that I should have let die many many times. I’m not better than you, if I had someone who didn’t really try hard to be with me, but allowed me to keep pursuing them, I’d probably do it until it killed me too. I dunno about you but I think in me it’s because of some problem with my self esteem or self worth. If someone said to me “I might love you, but you need to chase me uphill for 15 years first”, I’d probably do it. Because I don’t feel like I’m worthy of being loved without having to prove it like most people do. I get some sick thrill out of having to chase after it, some part of me thinks I deserve to be tortured for it instead of just having love given to me for free. If I had to guess I’d say something is wrong with your self worth too, but I don’t want to pretend I’m an expert. But I think you probably have some void in your life or your feelings about yourself that you feel like you have to fill with another person, as I did for a long time. And I still do except I’ve let my depression beat me so much that even if I wanted to find some new girlfriend to get addicted to I’m too broke and out of shape to bother trying to find someone right now.
You’re making the incorrect mental link that because this person once made you the happiest you’ve ever been, you can’t find it somewhere else. I felt that way about my first girlfriend, and then I met someone else who made me happy again. And again and again. What you are in love with is LOVE itself. You like being with someone who makes you feel that way. It’s the sensation and the magic of feeling in love that we are so obsessed with, not these crappy people who hardly want to be with us. If you’ve only found it with this one guy so far then you’re letting yourself believe that’s the only place it can be found in this world. There is someone else in this pool of 7 billion people that can get you that electric feeling of being in love again. Best of all would be to start learning to love yourself, alone, because life gets pretty exhausting when you constantly have to find someone to make you feel better. I did it until I couldn’t do it any longer. A chain of 6 or 7 girlfriends over the years until the last one hurt me so bad that I just decided to stay in my house and stop trying. But the fact is I felt like killing myself after each and every relationship that went bad thinking I would never find someone as good, and then I did find someone to love again. Our brains are lying and scared when they tell us we will never find someone again. You insist on staying in the car that is about to plunge off a cliff instead of accepting that you can go get another car. I don’t mean to sound arrogant, just because I have experienced something doesn’t mean it will happen to you. I just reallllly think it’s unlikely that you have found the one and only person you will ever find on this earth who can make you feel love and now you have to stay with him no matter how bad it gets. I eventually found other people, and even this last time when I haven’t found somebody since, things haven’t been great but I’m not so sure it would have been better to kill myself 2 years ago. Especially not over somebody who thinks I’m worthless.
I think I said something like this to you once before when I wrote you a really long reply: Isn’t it kind of funny that I literally just sat here and spent more time and energy on caring about you then it sounds like this guy has done in a very long time according to how you describe the relationship? Isn’t just someone writing this much to you trying to convince you to keep living enough to show you that maybe that thought in your mind is wrong that there will never be someone who will care about you again? Has this guy ever sat down and wrote you a letter this long about how sorry he is that he keeps hurting you and that he really wants this to work and and he’ll do whatever it takes? If he hasn’t then WHY value him so much?! What did this guy ever do to deserve you smashing yourself bloody against the brick wall of trying to make this relationship work rather than someone else out there who would want to treasure you and treat you right getting to spend your life with you instead? Just because he made you feel good once doesn’t mean you need to stay around long after that feeling is gone. You have simply fallen into the incorrect assumption that you found love the only place you’re ever going to find it and you need to keep fighting to either get it back again with this same person, or kill yourself. It doesn’t work that way. When the fire goes out in most relationships it doesn’t start up again. You have to go find it somewhere else.
You’re not a bad person, please don’t understand. I think what you are willing to do is amazing. Nobody puts effort like this into relationships anymore. People throw each other away like garbage the first second they feel that the excitement is gone or that things are’t going perfectly. What you have is a really wonderful thing when used properly. Caring enough to work on a relationship and not just go running off with someone else is so rare these days and it’s really amazing. But it’s so easy to take it too far, to keep fighting for something when all it’s doing is killing you. That’s taking a really good thing about yourself, the fact that you don’t give up on relationships easily, and letting it get out of control into something that kills you. Refusing to give up is a great skill when you know when it’s appropriate to use it. This relationship is a brick wall that you insist you have to run through instead of being able to back up, walk away, and go around the corner and see if there is a door somewhere else. It’s admirable to never give up, unless you are smashing yourself against a wall that is going to kill what. What good is a person who doesn’t give up easily when they let one of their battles kill them? You’re a strong person who refuses to take no for an answer no matter how many times you hear it, but you’re revving yourself up to run towards this brick wall one more time and kill yourself. It’s quite a literal comparison, I feel like I’m watching someone bash their head against the wall and begging them to stop.
I hope the girl who loves art and music and talking and singing and all the things that are worth enjoying about life decides to stay alive. It’s a real tragedy if she decides none of that is worth anything because of some idiot who won’t love her back. I hope you stay alive, but more than that, I hope a miracle happens and you finally realize that you do have the strength to walk away and let this be in your past.
I wish I could find somebody like you to build a relationship with, but maybe that’s why it’s so hard to find, because people with anything good to offer end up dead from frustration before they’re able to meet each other.
Don’t kill yourself, walk away from this guy. If you’re going to kill yourself anyway then pleaaase won’t you just try to get away from him first. If it turns out to be as horrible as you think it will be trying to exist without him, then the option is always still there to finish the job. But why kill yourself without even trying it first? Feeling a willingness to kill yourself should actually make it that much easier to give it a try. “I already want to die, so I might as well try getting away from this person, and if it just hurts way too bad, then I give myself permission to end this”.
Let go of this person. You have to. I know it’s hard. But if you think you could find the courage to end your own life, which is the scariest thing of all, I think you can find the strength to walk away from someone you wish you could be with.
I know you are one thousand percent right. I know it. And that’s what’s so hard. You really are right. I can see it. I am well aware that I need help to get over this. I am well aware of that. But that doesn’t negate that he needs help for a variety of reasons. I can acknowledge all of that. And the thing that gets me, is this is the icing on top of the cake. This relationship. It completely destroyed, took away every spark I had. Left me so heartbroken I have nothing left to give. But I just spent the last few hours, and last night, and the night before, etc, pleading with my mom to see how allowing me to grow up in this household for 20+ some odd years had severely contributed to what I’m able to handle and so many other things in my life. My father, although he means well, has been almost as destructive as this relationship has been. It would take a year to explain it all. I can’t even come home for a weeks vacation from college and be upset in my own household, my whole life anyone or anything who has upset me, I can’t let my father see it, he only makes me feel worse about it, which gives me zero strength. My mother and I know its because he worries so much about me, but his mental issues prevent him from knowing how to deal with it. I sit wondering how my life would be today if i didn’t grow up like this. What I could handle, if I’d be able to drink without losing control, etc. I just sat with her for the last few hours begging her to see how badly I want to disappear. Begging her to see how much my upbringing contributed to this, begging her to see how much pain I’m in, how hurt I am by the relationship I tried so hard for almost three years. I accepted so much nonsense because of things I’ve done that I’ve beat myself up for so long, haven’t forgiven myself, and let somebody else use everything as an excuse to beat me up for this long. My intentions are genuine, and I’ve tried as hard as I possibly could to show that, but it’s only gotten worse and worse, and he uses everything against me, and things I’ve tried to make up for as a scapegoat, and then creates ridiculous stories and things in his head and just accuses, accuses, blames, gets angry, harasses, etc. How could I throw my life away for this? I’ve neglected everything to make him happy. I’ve disrupted relationships with family members for him. I don’t speak to anybody, go anywhere, all to make him happy. When I graduate, and start working it’s inevitable that I’m going to have to work with males as well as females. I know theres nothing to worry about on my end, but all I do is worry and worry and fear everything because I know it will just be a fight with him, and I’ll ultimately get fired because of it.
Ive had other relationships before, Ive just never been even a fraction as upset when they’ve ended. Ive never felt the way I do about him about anybody else, not even close. He has his own set of problems, and I beat myself up and convince myself that its always my fault, well its not. It has been my fault at times, Ive made his problems worse at times, but there would always be problems, with or without me, I made some worse.
All of the qualities about myself I mentioned, all of the characteristics, interests, none of them give me pleasure anymore. Nothing, nobody, I’m not happy. I’ve lost it. Everyone around me knows I’ve lost my spark. Even though I always was upset about one thing or another in life, whether it be my family, people who have screwed me over and really hurt me in the past, and I was extremely upset over all of those things for years, nothing compares to this. I was still able to distract myself enough to get by in the past, still able to use my interests as things to keep me happy. Now, nothing works. I beg my mother to see that.
I feel horrible because all I do is make her cry. But I don’t know what to do. I feel I wasn’t raised with the tools to handle any of this. And she is partially to blame. But at the same time I feel awful because of what she’s had to deal with.
So I’m stuck.
Now, with the relationship, or lack thereof rather, I ignored him a few days ago because he can’t be talked to, he was just harassing me, hounding me for questions that he can’t get passed, and there is no other way to handle it, he had to be ignored. There is no reasoning with him. Because of that, he kept going, then he changed his number. Then he changed his email. I found another email. I begged him, even though I said I was just going to keep ignoring him, but I can’t take it. It is so hard to ignore someone you love to much and I had to tell him that. I shouldn’t have messaged him, I shouldn’t have messaged him last night, I shouldn’t have messaged him this morning. I really don’t have a strong way of communicating with him now. And i know if he responds its just going to start up again, we’re going to argue and fight forever, same if I respond to him, but if nothing, and I’m not with him, I’m going to more miserable. Which is why I’ve had enough and beg my mother to see that I need to go. I am at my wits end.
I told him this. He thinks I’m trying to manipulate him. He gave me a final text from his mother’s cell phone this morning. I’ve had it. There is nothing for me in this life anymore. I can’t get myself across to him.
Nobody actually wants to kill themselves, they just don’t want to live this life. Im actually afraid I’m going to snap and end myself. I can’t handle it. And I can’t handle that as soon as my dad walks in the door, I’m not allowed to be upset or world war infinity breaks out.
i know all of what you’re saying is true, but it doesn’t make it any easier for me. this is awful.
i’m supposed to graduate in less than 2 months and I’m afraid i won’t. two of my classes are too hard, and on top of that, my focus is completely gone. i feel he has taken everything away from me.
he hates his life. he has no motivation, he sees no purpose in anything, no meaning in anything, but what i’ve tried to reiterate to him a thousand times is that, even though there may not be anything else out there nothing bigger than us, no actual meaning or purpose, we create our own meaning in life, by surrounding ourselves with the person we love and the things we love to do.
the reason he won’t get a job is because he refuses to do anything that he feels is monotonous and has no purpose or deeper meaning.
sitting on his ass all day causes him to just concoct more things about me, deeper hate his life, and make me hate my life more and think I’m worthless.
he has thrown away everything I’ve given to him. I gave him every bit of love care devotion all of that, everything i had. its all gone. he used it for so long. we’d have a semi good day here and there, and then poof, its gone. id live in fear every second with or without him.
I’m not really sure the point I’m trying to make at this point.
but i feel terrible i didn’t know what to do, I’ve sat down with my mom, explained I’ve started writing my goodbye note, have a plan, and everything. i know i can’t do that to her. but i don’t know how I’m going to cope. i just feel worthless and purposeless, and everything is meaningless, i have no joy. nothing gives me pleasure. all the things that he thinks that i want, i don’t. all the horrible things he things about me, no. I’m not going to go out and get drunk, or anything like that. i don’t drink. period.
he’s the one that wants to be vindictive and petty and hurt me.
well I’m off to my grandparents house.
im not sure what conclusion to write here.
but i thank you. everything you’ve said is right, and i am going to try to make it. i hope i can.
i need help. I’m too heartbroken