I had made plans that today would be the day that I would kill myself. I planned on walking up the cannon packing my gun in a back pack, I would go off the trail and go to a little cave like structure and put a bullet in between my eyes. I had walked to the location before, I know exactly where it was going to be. Now that I think about it I don’t think that I have the guts to go through with killing myself. Im scared to shoot myself, even though death is what I want the most in this world, Im scared to die. Does that make me weak? I want to talk to someone about it, but im scared to talk to my friends about it. In high school when ever I tried to talk to people I would loose friends. I have good friends in college and I don’t want to loose them by me making old mistakes. Ive never been happier in my life than in college, but  I still hate life and I still want to die. How much longer can I last? Sooner or later I know that Im going to do end it all, I want to end it all. But Im scared to pull the bullet.
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2 comments
No, it does not make you week. It’s not exactly fear.. it’s more self-preservation instinct. Your body wants to live, even when your mind is saying otherwise.
In the last possible moment, your subconscious kicks in and negates your conscious plans.
Your body knows that your brain can heal. Why not give it a chance?
You are not weak.
Maybe you do not want to truly die, but maybe you just want some one to hear you. Someone to listen to your pain and possibly help you help you through your struglgles.
It appears you have no one to turn you, even though all you ask is for one person to care. You should be cared about and you deserve to be helped.
SP is full of many wonderful people who understand pain, including me. Many of us will be more than happy to help you and listen to you. But mate, you have a choice as well. You dont have to pull the trigger, you can take a step forward to a new path of hope and happiness.
Dont be agraid to ask for help and ask for any of us to listen to you.
Please take care.