7 years of suicide attempts

I began having severe depression at 12 years old due to achieving an erection everytime I stood up. That lasted for 8 years til I was 20. Depression worsened after 2 years and when I was 14 I started having suicidal thoughts but I kept them to myself.  I had so many suicidal thoughts over the next decade, it has to total in the 100,000s.  I dropped out of high school due to having no energy to continue.

I went to college many years later. I had constant suicidal thoughts, every building I saw I saw myself jumping off of. Sometimes with myself set on fire. And sometimes with a bicycle doing backflips. But mostly just jumping off.  So I became 100% certain I should jump off a building. So I looked for the stairs to the top of the roof. On my way up the stairs my legs froze. I look down at my legs and told them to move, but they were frozen. They let me go back down the stairs. That was my first suicide attempt.

I was living with my father playing poker. I made a deal with myself to go to the gym everyday or Id kill myself. So I went to the gym everyday until one day. Id rather die. So I went to walgreens and purchased sleeping pills. I wondered if the guy selling to me knew what I was going to do with these. I get back home and swallow 72 of the 75 pills with gatorade. I call a friend whos in kansas to see if I swallowed enough pills to kill myself. He calls a friend in my town who calls an ambulance. The ambulance people shout at me so I go with them. I can barely move at this point. I cant walk on my own. They give me coal for my stomach and make me throwup. I puke black and blood.  That was my 2nd suicide attempt.

Many years go by I move out to las vegas Im like 25 years old. I go to the amazon to drink ayahuasca. It causes me to develop schizophrenia. I’m hearing voices. I decide I want to die again. I get a knife and try to cut into my wrists but I cant apply enough pressure to break the damn skin. I feel like a fool.

Voices telling me Im a woman in a mans body. I believe these voices. So I start wearing womens clothes in public and start taking estrogen to grow boobs. God help me. So the next suicide attempt is by dehydration in the desert in las vegas. I pull over to the side of the road and walk up a mountain. I get naked and wait to die. Hours go by under the hot sun but Im adamant about dying. I cut my foot on a rock and it starts to bleed. I start in my mind imagining wild coyote running towards me. I become very scared to die by coyotes. So I pack up and go home.

I drive across the country in schizophrenia hell, fear of everything. Im only safe on the road. Not even safe in hotels. I sleep in the car for a few hours then drive the rest of the day. I decided to die by hypothermia. I was in mississippi river in winter time. So it was close to freezing out. I find a spot by the river and pull up. I piss myself and jump into the river. I stay in for like 10 minutes then decide its easier to just get a gun and shoot myself.

Many months later I get a gun. I buy a gun. Load it. put it to my head and ive never felt stupider in my life. Stupefied. I couldn’t pull the trigger. My mom stole my gun so I dont have it anymore.

Next suicide attempt is a good one. I read about it on the internet, Chloroform. The stuff that knocks you out. First attempt with chloroform takes place in my mothers house. I bought the chemicals they came to the house and I got them.  I soak a rag in chloroform and as I bring it to my face liquid falls on my bare chest. Which burns. I freak out, no way im putting this on my face when it burns. So I shower and that was the end of that attempt. I found out a new way of committing suicide with chloroform by using a bath tub but my family intercepted my chloroform packages repeatedly.

I go out to las vegas. I rent an apartment for 3 weeks and have the chloroform shipped there, then stay at a hotel for the night. I masturbate and am naked and pour the chloroform into a bath tub. It burns my anus. So I put my clothes back on. I go back in the tub and start breathing it in. Its heavy and chemically. My brain starts burning, but Im adamant about dying. Everything is black. My eyes are open and I cant see shit. My brain is on fire. I cant tell if Im dead or alive at this point. Wait that thought alone means Im alive still. I wake up later in the tub. Poisoned. The smell is horrendous. The chloroform evaporated. I start masturbating again to try to feel better but I cant get off. I start throwing up whatever I put down. I go to the hospital where I throw up some more. Thats my last suicide attempt

My next suicide attempt will be with ********.  Its a drug, u drink it then you go to sleep and die. My family has intercepted my package of ******** from mexico and locked it in a safe. So Im unable to kill myself. I cant convince my mother to let me die because she says she will be devastated and depressed by my death. If anyone has any ideas I’d appreciate them.