When I registerd here I was seriously considering ending my life…I felt that I just could not go on anymore…my heart was broken, as well as my spirit. I had just finished crying my eyes out, and cursing God, why when he had the chance did he not take me…I had replayed are the hurtful things my husband has said to me over and over in my head…I also had just watch another amature video of him and his girlfriend post on the net…I watched and listened to all the things he said to her…and thats not the only one of them that he has posted…I could only sit here and wonder what went wrong…how the famous blkknight as he so likes to refer to himself as how he could hurt me so,. Yes he apologizes but then blames me, its my fault that he fools around, its my fault he posts those videos. And i was just sitting here believeing the whole thing…and then my friend called. He said that he had a feeling that I wasn’t doing well, and we talked and laughed, and I realized that me dying would serve no purpose. I would be leaving my kids without a mom, my youngest is 9 what would she do without me.  I have accomplished a lot in life, I moving upward in my job I have one child in college and another beautiful girl growing up. If I died today he wouldn’t bat an eye..yeah he would go thru the motions, all while signing the insurance check to make sure he could make more vids for the net…but me dying would not do anything. Thinking of suicide isn’t wrong, its just a breaking point, I can;’t tell anyone else what to do …and I know that whatever one decides it wont be easy. But I know that right now I have a little more fight in me and I am going to try just a little longer. I wish everyone out there the best…look deep there just might be a little fight left
2 comments
What’s stopping you from leaving him? You don’t have to stay with this man. Put your own needs first for a change, walk out on him. You say you have a job – what’s to stop you from moving out? Can you rent a place of your own, that’s big enough for your daughter too?
I know these things are not so easy, you married this person thinking for better or worse. It’s not easy to give up the dream. And you may still be hoping he’ll change, that things will get better. It hurts, its painful to be treated this way by someone you love, who’s supposed to care about you.
But if you’re thinking of killing yourself, it’s because the pain of how he’s treating you is getting to be too much. It’s nothing wrong with you – he’s being a jerk. I’m sorry to say that, I realize you may still love him in spite of everything, and you probably really want it to work out.
What he’s doing is a power trip, seeing how much he can get away with. Like a little boy – this is not the behavior of a grown adult. You have to stand up to him, you have to say, I’m not taking this any more, I’m out of here. And make sure you really mean it, and don’t let him sweet-talk you back.
Please ask somebody to help you break free from your husband – a friend, a family member, maybe a counselor at a women’s shelter, a therapist, anybody. Please tell them your story and say that you want to break out of this destructive relationship that has you feeling so bad about yourself.
I truly believe that if you can use the ‘fight’ you have left in you to _walk away_ from this man, to say, “No, I will not take this behavior from you any more,” it will give you a sense of strength that you really need.
And again I know it may be the hardest thing you’ve ever done in your life. Only you know what you’re facing. But it’s ok to do it – it does not make you a bad person. It will give you back your sense of self-respect, the self-respect that your husband is trying to destroy.
i agree with pulling the plug. take your little girl and file a divorce. get the videos in court if he battles for custody. you can be happier without him. dont take abuse, trust it from a girl who tried to take the abuse, its not worth it. you can be happy. good luck