Since i was young i have felt a sense of belonging. I was the Football star even went to college of it. Was in the military and served in crazy places, then I was a Police officer. Now i cant see what the next step is. is it possoble that you can feel accomplished like HERO or that you have done everything. Now i feel like the world is getting smaller that verybody is covered in Bullshit or waiting for a pat on the back and thats the only reason they try. what if your back is covered with hands and you want them all to leave you alone just get done with life just step through the door on day and take one in the forhead. So that you can see whats on the other side. or just get to people to leave you alone. maybe just stop feeling that no matter what you do it doesnt mean anything, Ive stood on the top of the mountin and all you want is the next one and never feel satisfied.
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Isolation is a *****, and it can be hard to create a sense of community for yourself, but I’m unclear whether you miss community, or whether you want to be alone to process it all.
Not knowing the next part of the program can be exhilarating.
It sounds like you’ve probably seen a lot, maybe not humanity at it’s best, can you now take time for just you? I’m guessing you may have some retirement bennies. New direction will come. No need for the bullet though.
There’s tons of interesting NDE research. Study enough of it, and patterns emerge.
Spend a couple of weeks at the Monroe Institute if you want to adjust your consciousness frequency to go over there (and back).
Your story sounds a little like Gary Zukav’s (a Green Barret). Ever read Seat of the Soul?