This year I will be 25. I have been obsessed with suicide since my abusive childhood and have known I wanted to do it at age 25. I was raised with insanely high expectations. Long story short, I was beaten by my parent whenever my grades were below 99%. I wasn’t allowed to have friends. I was timed everyday from when I left to house to when I came home. No tv or phone calls, no christmas presents or magical princess birthday parties. Just school work and sleep. I’ve been punched, kicked, beaten with bats whenever I tried to stand up to my parent. I’ve been called me ugly by my parent, a piece a shit, I can’t remember how many times my parent told me they wish they would’ve aborted me. How can someone say these things to a child? I ran away from home but couldn’t get far enough fast enough and returned home to torture.
Now I am a “free” adult but these thoughts of my past run through head daily. I have a job where I’m surrounded by slackers, I’m constantly breaking my back at work and come home to abuse by my bf of 3 years. I pay all of the bills in the home and I am now broke. Credit cards are maxed out and rent is due. All of the studying and hard work I did in the past means nothing. The beatings were for nothing. I just hate this place so much I wish I was just a memory, or never born at all. I still fantasize about the ways I’m going to leave this place (I’ve narrowed it down to 2 options)I am now in an abusive relationship. I’m tired of being taken advantage of. These memories of abuse consume me and I’m unable to be a normal woman, I’m looking for love and equality. We recently moved to California for a fresh start. I’ve already tried to kill myself once since we got here but under dosed myself and woke up in a mental ward where I was forced to live for 7 days. I’ve realized I can’t run from this it’s happening, this year when I turn 25 I will celebrate in the afterlife.
<3
4 comments
I am sorry for all the pain you’ve been through, but you CAN make it! Don’t let your past determine your future. You are stronger than the people pulling you down in life.
Being raised by oppressive parents is a scary upbringing, as one usually struggles to find any semblance of stability in their own identity. From what I’ve read, you sound like an exceptionally strong, smart and independent woman. Things may seem down right now, the voices that say, “You’re a failure. You’ve seen your best days. This is your lot in life, just deal with it,” are simply mental embodiments of your circumstances. Don’t drag what has happened in your life to California, as it’ll undoubtedly churn what you’ve perceived as a new beginning, into just another day “in your life.” Forget the failed suicide attempt. Let go what didn’t work out. It won’t be easy, but as you take steps to improve, gradually, things will get easier to forget. Before you know it, you won’t be just dreaming of a better life, you’ll be living it.
thank you for your kind words
As Strife said, you may think that “my parents punish me because I am a failure”, but this logic is unreasonable. They punished you because they are so oppressive that they even don’t care about your feeling, if they are good parents, they will encourage you rather than punish you. So don’t make their rudeness to determine your self assessment.