life is useless

I doubt that you have no ambition, if it were the case, you would perhaps be less frustrated now. I do however empathise. I’m 48, a little older than you, have suffered recurrent bouts of depression since my late teens, watching it, the depression, gradually define my life. All it’s aspects.

A great deal of what you say rings true for me, the trying to sleep the depression out, easily done but dangerous, the impact on goals, on work and the pain of frustration that goes with it.

It is never too late to make change, it’s difficult and the past can act as a drag, bringing a sense of inevitable futility – this the language of the depression. It is not you.

I differ from you in one respect, although I live alone, I fear depression and it’s impact on relationships, I do have many friends and this a double edges sword.

A few but not many have seen me in a dark mood, I do not hide the fact that I have depression which to most is an abstract condition, they claim to understand, offer support but neither understand and would have no idea how to offer support. Those that have witnessed find it difficult to comprehend, the classic cheer up crowd and those who themselves suffer tend to suffer in a very different way.

I find myself tortured in public, perhaps not tortured but there is a spence of the surreal.

The depression passes and I am full of life. I am bi-polar albeit with long cycles, typically down periods last for 6-12 months, up for 3-24 months, various spikes and troughs in each. Managing friends can become a nightmare.

I wish you well and beg you, for my sake, as well as yours, to fight. It is so easy to give up and again I know, two suicides in my immediate family over the last twenty years – mine sometimes but moments away but a pact, you keep going, I’ll keep going.

Good Luck.