Hi.
This is my first post. I should probably introduce myself.
I am a 21 year old girl living in New Zealand. I first began to notice a dip in my mood when I was 12-13 but understandably at that age I couldn’t quite get what the feelings were a symptom of. I constantly hit what I thought was rock bottom only to find myself continuing to slide down. I spend years battling it, as well as an accompanying eating disorder, and finally recovered fully in 2013.
I decided to leave home in order to continue my recovery journey. I have been living on my own for the last 1 and 1/2 years since I left a violent home. I found that my abusive father was the biggest trigger in my life so after 6 months of being away from home, I cut off all contact to my family, with the exception of my younger sister. I’m still haunted by the memories of the violence I witnessed growing up. I’m still haunted by the person I became when I was depressed, and I am still haunted by the rage I know I’ve generated and locked away deep within myself for 21 years.
It’s been very hard adjusting to this situation. I had never been close to my parents but knowing I am alone in this world and responsible for myself is kinda scary. If anything serious happens I have no one to turn to. I think the most depressing thing is having to come home to an empty apartment. I feel very isolated.
Recently I have been experiencing a relapse in my symptoms. I’ve been dreaming of hanging myself, throwing myself off buildings, drinking bleach. Depression has stolen everything I liked about myself. Reduced me to a blubbering mess, unable to handle even the smallest of inconveniences. I hate looking at my tired and swollen eyes in the mirror. I hate seeing myself deteriorate. I hate the comfort that a knife sliding through the flesh on my arm gives me. But despite this, I feel a strange comfort in complacency. Depression has always been my worst enemy and closest friend.
I have seen many counsellors over the course of my lifetime but have struggled to find one that understood and didn’t judge. I really hate the “professionalism” that therapists often carry – the attitude that they are the “experts” and you are the ‘sick’ patient. Most I’ve met are incredibly unempathetic and business-like. Awful.
I am not sure what to make of all this. I don’t know if I think it’s worth struggling to fight something that I have already beaten – at what point do you decide enough is enough? I am starting to fear the pain of life more than the pain of dying, the consequences of death mean less to me each day. But at the same time I don’t feel like right now is my time to go. I hate that this has to be such a slow and painful death, but it seems I have to suffer before I can get anywhere.
Thanks for reading.
7 comments
You have to find the right counselor. You don’t keep seeing the person if you don’t like them. There are so many to choose from. Psychologists to social workers to lpcs to interns etc. So many. Eventually you will find one you like. They even have sliding scales. I have paid anywhere from ten bucks to $150. And please try meds. There are some amazing ones out there. The two together can help get you through the storm. I too isolate but on purpose. I feel you probably have ptsd from the abuse and trauma you experienced and obviously are still struggling with the depression and the underlying eating disorder was your way of dealing with it. The depression wil get worse. Meds wil help. If you need a friend you got it! The counseling can be specialized more towards the ptsd which wil cover all of it
Yeah I know a few places with decent prices. Relationships Aotearoa charge like $25 if you are earning under 25k.
Personally I hate the counselling route, I’ve done some therapy in the past with a few different clinicians and I feel everytime someone presents with depression CBT is the only thing they can offer me. I’ve done so many round of CBT therapy but it hasn’t worked to deal with the underlying problem of my family relationships.
As for meds, I think I’m just at the moderate depression end right now. Meds are best for severe depression, but even the Cochrane Review stated that you can get most of the benefits of meds from exercise and a good diet. I’m working on the latter two.
Hmm…a New Zealander you reckon?
What do 50% of Kiwis want, but two-quarters of Kiwis *need*?
You said it yourself, you feel that now it’s not your time. So you answered your own question (how much is enough) by saying, it’s still not enough. Seeking the right therapist is pretty difficult but not impossible tho, and if you’ve beaten it once you can must likely beat that relapse. I also have to say, kudos on beating an eating disorder as well, a member of my family has struggled for years with that with no real results.
I think you might want to try to do something about that coming back to a lonely apartment tho… maybe renting a place with a friend or getting a roommate which you can trust in order not to be alone most of the time. You do need supporting people near from time to time, specially when dealing with depression (and it would help since you feel overwhelmed by feeling you are all alone).
Yeah I’m pretty lucky that I’ve been able to deal with it for the most part, I think what terrifies me the most is the deterioration. I hate seeing everything I like about myself, that I have worked so hard to maintain, stolen from me because of these feelings and thoughts.
I do have a flatmate, she’s just never around. Personally I wouldn’t want her to be, she’s not a particularly great role model when it comes to emotional regulation.
Is there such thing as a non-violent home in NZ? I don’t think so, although folks over the shore would beg to differ I’m guessing. It comes down to the socio-economic make-up of contemporary New Zealand, which has come quite far since the ol’ “Once Were Warriors” days (I sincerely hope your homelife was nothing like that movie. Sadly, mine was).
Being on my own was fricken brilliant and I loved the financial security and adventures afforded to me by my place of work. I think that’s one of the factors of my own personal view on “healthy living: keeping wholly occupied, making that cheddar and sustaining a contemporary lifestyle.
I try not to dwell on thoughts of suicide. I’ve come to accept that, yes, I will eventually take my own life but the exact timings on that are still sketchy. I’d advise you do the same, it’ll somewhat keep your mind a little less cloudy.
Well done on making it to 21. Let’s see if I can get there too. Best of luck with everything and, I s’pose, it’s nice to have another Kiwi tell their story.
Good to see some Kiwi’s on this website, particularly young ones. Keep me updated bro.