“I think I saw you in my sleep, darling,
I think I saw you in my dreams you were
Stitching up the seams on every broken promise
That your body couldn’t keep.
I think I saw you in my sleep.” -La Dispute, Such Small Hands
I’m 19 and constantly thinking of suicide. How I’ll do it, that which will trigger it, and sometimes I wonder how people I knew would react to it. My reasons are nothing new and if anything, are probably shallow. What I assume would cause me to finally take those last few steps into the grave that I wish to lay in, is losing my girlfriend finally, and for good. We’ve been together for over a year now and with in that year, she’s bought me plenty of things, told me how much I mean to her, adored me I guess you could say. On the flip side, she’s lied to me about a million things, varying in extremes, and finally, yesterday, I caught her in two more massive lies right after I begged her to stop lying to me. Right after she promised me she wouldn’t, again.
“I thought I heard the door open, oh no,
I thought I heard the door open but
I only heard it close.
I thought I heard a plane crashing, but
Now I think it was your passion snapping.” -La Dispute, Such Small Hands
Those lies were about her going to another guys house and his feelings for her. I feel our relationship coming to an abrupt stop despite her tears and crying of how I’m the only one for her, oh. No matter what I say, I can’t get her to truly tell me whats on her mind, or maybe she is telling the truth but I just can’t trust it anymore? It makes me sick. She isn’t my first love, the first girl I had sex with, not the first anything yet I’m more attached to her than anyone else I’ve ever been with and losing her just feels like too much. But again, thats just what I believe would finally push me over the edge.
I’ve been depressed, beat, tired, lost, dying, for awhile now. I’ve lost all of my friends one way or another to the point of only having 2 left that I talk to maybe every other day? My family puts every action I make under a microscope and picks it apart, leaving me as the bad guy in the end. When they talk to me like a dog, sometimes I question this and bring it up, to which they simply retort with “You just don’t like my tone and it pisses you off because I don’t say it how you like it.” Of course that isn’t word for word but its close. Maybe I am doing something wrong in their eyes. My father and I have never seen eye to eye. After a last fight, I finally believe that he is verbally abusive, or that maybe I really am just a ***** that can’t take the way he treats me and other people.
I don’t enjoy much of anything anymore. I don’t enjoy Video Games, Basketball, Magic the gathering, all things I was very passionate about. I find slight comfort in my favorite band, La Dispute, but I fear that even that will be taken away from me by this all eating depression. I’ve tried talking to tons of people but I just get answers like “Well.” and “Have you tried talking to someone about this?” or “Just watch a movie and get you mind off it.” I feel alone as the walls continue to close in. Not sure whats going to happen anymore. I just want to sleep.
5 comments
Wow its hard hey, I get it what I heard from reading your story is that loneliness factor. Who wouldn’t feel sucidal. Your in it alone there’s no one there for you to understand who you really are. We are not Eskimos we need connection for survival. Its a basic human need . It sounds like you have to hold and contain all those emotions inside. Then they say depression is anger turned inward. Also your chick it sounds like your not close with her or you’ve lost that intimacy. Which happens in relationships all the time. Don’t be scared of losing her! Cause if its meant to happen it will and I’m a chick so I know men who hold their own and don’t rely on women to give them love all the time are admired by women. I thinks its that balance between healthy need for love verses a crazy desire to be loved. And that sense of abandonment underneath can drive people to do and say crazy things cause its not reality it’s all your past fears projected onto this one scenario. So be a man and don’t be scared to be you and say even if you don’t believe it, go its her issue if she wants to leave ! Cause that will just drive her back into your arms trust me I know its sneaky but I know how women work and I’ve grown up with all men brothers so I learnt a lot ! You sound like a cool guy and I’m glad I read your post it helps me see other people struggle with wanting eternal sleep. Some years are worse than others
I’m entering college next week which will more than likely put a large strain on mine and hers relationship, more so than already. I’m not a controlling boyfriend, nor do I ever want to be. You may be right about everything. I tell her how I feel though, about the lying and how unhappy I am. She asked why I haven’t left her and I answer “because I love you.” It may be foolish and maybe i’m putting too much self worth into our relationship. But its all I have left now.
The only thing I refuse to tell her about it my thoughts on ending it. I don’t want that pressure on her. I don’t want her to use that as a crutch to stay with me. I don’t what her to feel guilty about her feelings. I don’t think anyone should feel guilty about how they feel.
Oh yeah I understand the family thing, when your not well family is such a punish you should have seen me this year I was fucked up and major arguments. My mum shames me from when I was little. I swear that’s probably the biggest reason I’m so fucked up no healthy love and nature develops into poor coping mechanisms and addictions ect. So you know what I do , I just know and say family are never going to give me what I need. Then I realise this is the way it is. But for some reason I still expect a different response. I ‘ve had to be around them for a month now it’s doing my head in !!! Bye from Australia
Its like, I didn’t ask to be brought into this world, there is no need to blast me for all my flaws and then expect me to fix your problems. I would love to just hear one of them tell me they love me but I feel like its more of a bother than anything. I don’t get my hopes up about it. I’m a black sheep so its expected I guess.