I’ve always felt I was brought into this world by mistake, that I was meant to be in some other solar system. I’m just not like other people here. I have no friends, no job, no life. I haven’t really been happy since I was 12 (I’m now 62)
I do think about suicide sometimes, and believe people like Robin Williams are just braver than I am. I figure that at 62 I can’t have many more years of this agony anyway.
I find it very sad to see these posts from 12 and 13 year olds. You are very young and things have a way of working themselves out if you can just get past these rough times.
To the adults posting, I can tell you that anti-depressants can help if you’re dealing with depression. I take them and I don’t cry as much anymore
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Hey misterlonely. I’m 27 and I’ve taken various anti-depressants for over two years and believe me they have not done a single thing for me. I still tried to kill myself. I hope they do help others though.
I also feel like I don’t belong in this world. I don’t cry because I’ve run out of tears, but the pain inside tears me apart and I know I will end it as soon as I gather enough courage.
I hope you do find some sort of resolution in you to live your life out until it’s natural end. Best wishes to you
DeathDreamer
I was brought up as a catholic, and have always been told that suicide was a major sin. Can you imagine if the whole idea of an afterlife, that there is actually a heaven and a hell, is actually true? What kind of sick joke would it be to kill yourself and find yourself in a place that is thousands of times worse for eternity.
I know it sounds crazy, especially from someone who has admittedly considered suicide, but I wish I could be 27 years old again. Maybe I could correct some of the mistakes I made, and to cherish what I had when I had it, instead of choosing to ride out the misery.
With respect to anti-depressants, there is nothing they can do to help you with your life situation which is contributing to the depression, that is true. But at least in my situation I found myself to be less depressed, to the point where I was at least able to function.
I don’t know you, but I don’t want you to kill yourself.
misterlonely, I went to a catholic all-girls school and was raised in a religious environment. However I grew up to be spiritual, but not religious. I’ve considered the idea of hell, and it frightens me, truly. I must admit this is one major reason I’ve been putting it off for so long – because I’m scared of what’s on the other side. Nevertheless, I’ve come to believe that if there indeed is a God he wouldn’t punish a hurting soul by condemning them for eternity. I believe that Hell is right here on Earth. I am almost certain that the ultimate punishment for any sins committed is further incarnation on this planet, as a way to atone for bad karma. I know these are all just theories and speculations, but it’s hard for my mind to accept that a person who is so depressed and hopeless, who feels they should take their own life would be punished for it.
I honestly have nothing to live for, I’ve lost my will to go on, I have no purpose. I have no friends, I hate my job and I despise the society in which we live in. I also think I’m here by mistake and I hope there is something better waiting on the other side. Another chance perhaps. I’ve screwed up immensely in this life, made way too many mistakes that can’t be rectified because it’s too late.
I don’t want to kill myself but I can’t imagine another 60 years of this hell. Either way, I admire the fact that you’ve lived for so long. I wish I could do that.
Hey, I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been in pain for so long. I disagree with you when you say that people like robin williams are braver than you are, because I cannot imagine living for as long as you have with that kind of pain. In my eyes, the struggle that you must go through everyday is probably as tough if not tougher than the “bravery” that Robin had to have to go through with ending his life.
Make no mistake, I’m not dismissing suicide as not brave or anything, I’m just saying what you’re doing is just as hard.
And as deathdreamer said, anti-depressants suck. I think they only help if you’re not suicidal or something. When I went on them, I had more energy, but I was still suicidal and I hated that my mind felt one way while my body was filled with energy. It was a horrible contrast. Needless to say, I stopped.
Either way misterlonely, I hope your day is a little brighter than it usually is and I hope you find that natural peace that you are looking for soon.
Hi. What I meant by Robin Williams being brave was that we really don’t know what happens when we die. To kill yourself with that uncertainty is either very brave or very foolish.
The anti-depressant that has helped me is sertraline. Before I started taking that I remember every day I would look out at the cemetery as I passed it while on the bus to work, thinking how lucky those people were. Eternal peace (or not)
I am kind of scared reading your post, misterlonely. What kept you going all the time? Just the fact that you are catholic? There MUST be more to it? Isn’t it that we all have hope? That it will be getting better at some point?
Hi Tiyara. Don’t be scared. We all have our good days and our bad days. I was not always a loner, but one by one people let me down. We are all imperfect, and I guess I couldn’t accept that imperfection in others. I became complacent.
I am not actually a practicing catholic, and I have had doubts about any supreme being. What scares me is that more and more I suspect that there may actually be a supreme being who is far from good and loving, worthy of fear but not love.
There is simply not enough time left for me to correct the mess I’ve made of my life, so hope has little to do with it (it’s hopeless for me). I hope that you younger people can find your way before it’s too late.
I am nearly half your age and already fell like its too late and I wasted so much time. And then I think, hold on. Is it really too late? I still have 30+ years to live on, you might have another 20+ years to go on. You might be right, not enough time for you what you describe as mess, but so much can happen. Maybe you dont need to correct the mass, just leave it behind and start from zero? Neither of us can predict the future. That’s the hope I have, All the experience we gained, the people we meet, formed us and made us the person we are. I wouldn’t be on this side, if I hadn’t met a certain person. But I hope, I will find the strength to move on from here and enjoy life once again. Death is coning anyway, In good moments (just like now) I think death can wait, but then there are too many bad days and I cant wait to be somewhere else. Trying to hold on to the good thoughts.
I know what it’s like to feel like “I don’t belong here.”
Since as far back as I could remember, I’d look at my surroundings and just feel “this isn’t right”. Maybe since I was 10 or younger.
I’d look at my family and feel no connection. I couldn’t experience the “love” or “togetherness” that everyone talked about. They felt like aliens to me. Who are these people? Why are they here with me? Why are we eating dinner together? I often thought these things when I was eating dinner at the table with them.
I’d get on the bus and go to school and just think “I don’t belong here. Why am I on this ‘bus’? Why do I go to ‘school’?” It was almost like these objects and concepts were foreign to me.
I always felt like I should have been born as someone else, in a different time, in different circumstances, in a different family.
I finally found another country’s culture that matched ME. I immediately felt like “THAT is where I should have been born. THAT is where I need to go.”
So I did. Life changed completely. I feel like I’m in my “true home”. Life is better, but I still have the stigma of being the “foreign person”.
Maybe you just need to find where you belong. And if you can’t go there, you can try to embrace the culture in your own way. Taking up hobbies related to that culture, reading books about it, watching TV shows from that country, studying the language etc.
That might help you feel closer to a place where you belong.