I don’t know anymore

Well.. I’m starting to think it’s my time to go.I can feel so tragic but yet so calm about saying I want to die.I want to do things like Christmas but if I share and show im upset now I’ll be in the hospital for Christmas. I don’t want that. There’s nothing to like about me.I don’t even like myself and I never will.Im trying to figure out a time when to end it but I can’t find it and my suicide note isn’t even that good.Im messing my life up. Making people worried, wanting to kill myself,think everyone hates me out of the blue.I hate me.I can understand why others would too.I feel like I’m just an act like this isn’t real even though it is real.I feel like I’m a handful of problems.Im just a shit disturber.I hate not telling people anything anymore but I don’t want to bother them and plus I don’t want to create a bigger hell .Ive been so nice and caring to everyone and I get played. People have taken advantage of me but back then I was too stupid to notice. I feel like I’m always expecting more when I probably already have enough. I can’t stress living anymore.I have no choice but to bottle things up.I don’t know if I have a connection with my therapist.I don’t know because I like to give people chances.Im so lost.I feel like I have my head stuck up my ass. I’m to ignorant to realize anything.