I don’t know how I ended up here. I had so much “potential.” I was smart, funny and somewhat attractive. Atleast on the outside. I suffer alone, in silence. I go through my day taking care of everyone and everything else while inside the pain is unbearable. On the outside people would say what do I have to complain about? They don’t understand. They see what I allow them to see. I try to compensate for my emotional pain with outward success. The more I hurt the more I try to accomplish. I feel so lost. I have always been expendable to the people that were supposed to love and protect me. My mother was nowhere to be found except when she needed to extort money from my grandparents. My father was a drunk who would have me wait outside for visitation only to stand there for hours and wonder why he didn’t show. Why wasn’t I good enough? Why didn’t they want me? It is hard to have self worth when your own parents showed you and told that you aren’t worth anything.
I have a husband that is a great provider for my children. He used to compliment me, build me up and protect me. Over the years, that has changed. It is his way or no way. I used to dream about romance, love and hand holding. He thinks it is all stupid. I let myself get excited about holidays and trick myself into thinking this will be the year he does something to show me he cares…but it never happens. I don’t know why I torture myself into believing it will be different. I never thought I would be jealous of a couple cuddling in a booth, but that is where I find myself.
I listen to the people at work excitedly talk about the things their spouses do for them. I dread when the conversation turns to me and they eagerly await what my husband did for my birthday,etc. I find myself making excuses that he was busy with work. Sometimes it is just easier to make things up. I am embarrassed.
I have gained weight and he is disgusted by me. He tells me to lose weight. He never has anything nice to say about me. Men at work compliment me, but it just makes the pain inside worse. I long to hear those words from my husband. I don’t understand. I compliment him. I have tried telling him what I need and explaining how I feel. I take care of everything and I work full time. He spends time with younger women at work and banters with them. That used to be us…..We don’t spend time as a couple…..I miss us. It is like I am mourning a loss…..but hey he is a good father. I have been told I am selfish to be upset about being lonely; that I should be thankful he takes care of our kids. I am thankful. That is why I have quietly suffered for so long.
Am I wrong to want and need love for me? When is it my turn? I have always done what was expected of me. I don’t think I can do it anymore. The pain is too great. My pain has turned to rage and my children are suffering. I want them to grow up strong and confident. Everyone would be so much better without me. They probably wouldn’t even notice I was gone.
3 comments
It sounds like your husband has taken you for granted. I was very critical, and neglectful to my wife. Now she has left, wont speak to me and I cannot even tell her how much I care. The point is, he may care. He may love you as much as you wish he does. He may also be too lazy and comfortable in the relationship to think he needs to bother making an effort to show it. Shake him up. Leave for a bit. I can tell you right now, it will get his attention.
Of course they would notice if you were gone. There is no reason why you cant separate and both still be good parents. The comment above is right that maybe it will shake him up and get him to realize things. Good Luck.
I agree with the shaking him up thing that was mentioned above. At times men can get so self absorbed with their won stuff that they just won’t realize they aren’t showing their care and love until it’s too late (i know, i’ve done it myself). It’s not selfish of you to want to be loved and cherished, he just has to realize that you need to be shown more affection that he does.